Prank Wars
by Surviving Sheika
Summary: April Fool's Day with the Cullens? TAKE COVER! Who will survive this war? Who will emerge victorious? Certainly none of these characters. Rated T for mischief and bad ideas.
1. Edward vs Bella

**Hehehe, hello again. Well I'm sorry to say that VOL will be taking a short break. In the meantime please enjoy our latest mini-series. Please see the second update of "Every 28 Days" for more details about this story. Basically the title explains it all. It's April Fool's Day and we just weren't satisfied with one little prank. Oh no. :D I know the beginning is a little. . .poorly written, but please bear with us! The second chapter will be posted tomorrow and I guarantee it's 10 times funnier! (Although I do believe chapter 12 is going to be my favorite). Please enjoy everyone! And as always we would appreciate only reviews from people who enjoy the story, we're not really trying to write this so please no critiques or complaints about the character actions, thanks!**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, we just wreach havok in their lives.**

Chapter 1: Edward vs. Bella

EPOV

April 14, 2009

I never, in all my years, thought that one little joke, something so small and innocent could lead to such total disaster. Now, as I sifted through a mountain of white, a horrid squeaking noise assaulting my ears, I am unsure as to whether or not I regret my actions. On one hand, this one little act launched us into the worst conflict my family had seen in a long, long time. On the other hand, it launched us into the most fun we've had in a long, long time. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's go back to that first day.

March 31, 2009

"Hey Edward, you want first dibs on anything before I get to work?" I looked up to see Emmett standing in my doorway with a big box that said 'April Fools Day Pranks' on the side in Emmett's messy handwriting.

"Emmett, isn't this an obvious breach of the pact? I know you always break it but usually you're more subtle than this."

"Oh Edward, these pranks aren't for any of you guys. I'm stocking up now so that tomorrow I can scare every single student and teacher in the school! I've got big plans, dude, big plans!" I rolled my eyes. "Come on, Edward, aren't you going to prank Bella at all?"

"Of course not," I replied. "Why would I?"

"Well it's the perfect excuse to get a little revenge! Don't tell me you've forgotten about all the crazy things she's done to you. Don't you remember when she made you eat all that food? This would be the perfect chance to get some guilt-free revenge. And don't worry; it doesn't have to be anything big."

I thought it over for a minute. "What do you have in mind?"

Emmett grinned broadly and flashed me a couple pictures in his mind. "Perfect," I said, grinning back.

BPOV

March 31, 2009

"Please can I skip school tomorrow? Please, please, _please_ Dad!" I was standing in front of Charlie pleading with him with my intertwined fingers in front of my face. I tried to look as pitiful as possible, trying to get him to cave.

Unfortunately it wasn't working. "I'm sorry, Bells, but you can't stand home from school just because it's April Fools Day tomorrow. Just relax; none of your friends will prank you, right? Besides, won't your boyfriend, what's-his-face, be protecting you all day? Just use Edmund as your human shield or something."

There were so many things wrong with that sentence I didn't know where to start. "First of all, Ed_ward_ is probably going to be pulling pranks on the rest of his family, so he won't be protecting me." He also couldn't be a human shield because he's not human, but I decided not to mention that. "And second, my friends are probably all going to try and prank me because I'm an easy target. I'll fall right into their traps, _literally_!"

Charlie laughed, "Well then all you have to do is prank them back. But kept it simple, okay? All the police officers are going to be on guard tomorrow to make sure none of the pranks get out of hand. And just in case you were thinking of pulling a prank on me, just remember who lets your boyfriend come over, who gives you allowance and who lets you drive that truck around." He gave a warning glare, just in case I tried to pull any funny business with him.

"Well maybe if I got to stay home from school I could work out a no-pranks agreement with you," I offered.

Charlie smiled, "Nice try, Bells. I'll take my chances with you tomorrow."

Rats.

April 1, 2009

I was wide awake before my alarm even went off. I was paranoid about all the possible pranks that someone could pull on me so I told Edward that he was only allowed to stay until I fell asleep. I felt bad sending him away but he seemed to understand that April Fool's Day was difficult for me. I had spent hours last night looking up all the best pranks and practical jokes, so that I could look out for them during the day.

I rolled over and looked at the clock. I decided it was a good time to get up, considering I wouldn't be doing anything but lying here if I stayed in bed. I had heard Charlie calling the school the night before and heard him ask them to call him at work if I didn't show up, so I had no choice but to go.

I sat up and did a thorough examination of my bed before I did anything else; nothing was there, no bugs, no dishes of water, nothing. I checked my slippers, too, still nothing. There wasn't anything hiding in my drawers, closet or above my door either so I figured my room was safe. I quickly got dressed, throwing on yellow shirt Alice had bought me, a navy blue sweatshirt and a pair of old jeans. I did a thorough check of the house and found no traps. And no one had done anything crazy during the night either, no crazy make-up, no giant chunk of hair missing from my head, nothing was shaved into my hair or drawn onto my skin. Maybe today wouldn't be as bad as I thought it would be.

I quickly combed my hair and ate breakfast before peeking out the front door and checking for more pranks. I carefully picked my way across the yard and through the driveway to Edward's shiny silver Volvo.

"Good morning, Bella love," Edward said, leaning down to kiss me before opening my door.

I inspected the passenger seat carefully, searching for a hidden whoopee cushion before sitting down. "Morning, Edward."

He raised an eyebrow at me. "Bella, what are you doing?"

"Checking the car for pranks. It's a very dangerous day, today. You can't be too careful. Okay, I don't think anything's wrong." Edward climbed into the car next to me and started the car.

"Bella you don't have to worry about anything. Carlisle is at work, being a civilized adult, Esme is probably cleaning the house or gardening, also like a civilized adult and none of my siblings are going to prank you."

"How can you be so sure?"

"Because ever since we spent our first year together Esme has imposed a series of pacts she makes us agree to. Every Christmas she makes us promise not to fight, every April Fool's Day we can't prank each other, every Halloween we can't egg each other's cars. And this year is no different."

I sighed and leaned back against the seat. "Edward? You'll protect me from everyone at school today, right?"

"Of course, love."

I sighed again. "Good." I closed my eyes, just for a second I swear! But when I opened them again Edward was gently shaking me and calling my name. We were parked in his usual spot in school and all around us people were wandering inside the school. "Oh no, did I fall asleep?" Edward nodded and tried to hide a smile. "Darn it! Now we're going to be late." I hopped out of the car and rushed inside, stopped thought better of it, and pushed Edward inside ahead of me.

For the rest of the day I sent Edward ahead of me into every classroom and examined everything carefully. I wouldn't sit down until I checked the chair; I only used my own pencils and refused to make eye contact with anyone in the halls. I wouldn't even let Alice hug me in the morning. When she saw me and came running over I quickly used the water fountain as a ladder and climbed onto Edward's shoulders where she couldn't reach me. Alice didn't have any tricks planned for me but I did end up getting whacked in the head with one of the lights. For once everything seemed to be going well. I clung to Edward like a backpack while we were in the hallways but I don't think he minded . . . much.

EPOV

April 1, 2009

I was a little afraid at first, but this was turning out to be hilarious. Besides, Bella would forgive me . . . eventually. Alice saw it herself. The only thing I was worried about is trying not to laugh. Bella had no idea what was going on, and she surely didn't suspect me. And, for whatever reason, no one was going to tell her what was going on. Everyone gave her strange looks and a few people couldn't control their giggling but Bella assumed it was because she was acting strangely. I knew it was only a matter of time before Bella discovered what I had done to her; I just hoped she could wait until after school. Preferably from 3 to 5:30. Then I would get $20 from each of my siblings. We had all drawn bets to see when Bella would realize my little prank and get angry. Since Alice couldn't bet she had doubled up on Jasper's time.

BPOV

I was starting to get annoyed with all the strange glances and giggling. Hadn't anyone ever heard of being extra careful? But if this was the price I would pay to be prank-free all day I would gladly pay it. But I didn't understand why Edward kept snickering and trying not to smile. Oh well, he must be seeing thousands of pranks whirling through the minds of the students.

Finally it was lunch time, which meant the day was already half over, I only had three more periods after lunch, and I could probably skip out of gym class. Edward went ahead to meet his siblings and buy a lunch he wouldn't eat.

I made a quick stop to the bathroom, and that's when I saw it. _Someone_, And I had my suspicions, had somehow managed to paint me up in clown make-up! My cheeks had bright red circles on them; I had a yellow star over one eye and a blue circle over the other eye. Someone had slopped on some red lipstick and painted a large white oval around my lips so it looked like I was perpetually smiling. I scowled and stormed out of the bathroom.

"You are dead, Cullen!" I screamed as I barged into the cafeteria. The door banged on the wall as I entered and I knew he could hear me even though I was across the room. The entire lunchroom went quiet. I glared at him. "You are going to pay for doing this to me! I will not rest until I get you back for what you've done to me! You'll pay dearly for this, Mister!" I turned and stormed back out of the cafeteria, the door slamming against the wall a second time. For a moment all was quiet, and then all at once commotion erupted. I could hear everyone talking at once but I didn't care. I stormed off through the hallways and out the door that was always unguarded that the Cullens and I used whenever we wanted to skip class or leave early.

I stormed out into the school parking lot and realized that I didn't have a car. I thought for a moment and then decided I would just borrow my trickster's car. _Since I don't have my truck I'm just going to borrow his car_, I thought as loudly and clearly as I could, flashing a picture in my mind and hoping Alice would see it. I extended my hand, palm up and waited. Sure enough, a few seconds later a key and some money appeared in my hand. The money had a little folded note on top of it.

'Here's your share of the winnings, Bella, thanks for helping me and Jasper win! Love, Alice.'

I stuffed the money in my pocket and hopped into the car, I was so embarrassed I couldn't see straight. And angry tears were already welling up in my eyes. I knew I could go home and lock myself in my room but somehow solitary confinement was not what I was in the mood for. The engine roared to life and I took off down the road, knowing exactly where I was headed.


	2. Bella vs Emmett

**Hi everyone! I'm back with another chapter of Prank Wars. Today Bella is going to get her revenge for Edward's little prank and I'm rather excited. I have to admit, I may have had a little too much fun with a certain "dance" section of this chapter. You'll know it when you get there. And a cetain other section that follows the "dance" section. :D But enough of my ramblings, please enjoy this chapter!**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, we just play games with them**

Chapter 2: Bella vs. Emmett

BPOV

April 1, 2009

As I drove home my embarrassment slowly faded, but I grew madder and madder. How could Emmett do that to me? I could understand him playing a prank like a whoopee cushion or a buzzer on his hand. But how could he let me walk around all day long with that stupid make-up on? What had I ever done to him to deserve this? Okay so maybe I have done some things or gotten him in trouble with Rosalie . . . but still! I swerved into the Cullens driveway, still going way too fast and not really caring if I crashed. Emmett's car would get a little scratched and he deserved nothing less. Besides, maybe I could just spend the rest of the day in the hospital, no one would prank me there, Carlisle runs a serious hospital. And wouldn't that make Emmett feel guilty!

But as I pulled up to the house I just couldn't bring myself to crash the Jeep. I parked it in the driveway where I usually saw it and headed inside.

"Esme," I called. "Esme are you home?"

"Bella! What a delightful surprise. Oh, is Edward not with you?" She appeared in front of me, smiling that warm motherly smile she usually had. She also had a bottle of air freshener and a duster, both Esme trademarks. "Oh my, Bella what's happened to your face?"

By now angry, and somewhat embarrassed, tears were streaming down my cheeks and pulling my makeup along with them. "Emmett painted me up like a clown. And I walked around school all day today and no one told me!"

"Oh, Bella," Esme gathered me into her arms for a hug. "He's going to be punished for this one. I can't think of anything you've done in the past few days, or even weeks, that would have aggravated him to this level. Usually he just settles for making you blush in front of the whole family. Do you have any idea why he would have done this," Esme asked as she led me into the kitchen and started making hot chocolate. While the milk heated up she grabbed a towel, moistened it and handed it to me so I could clean up my face.

"It's April Fool's Day, the one day a year when you can pull all the pranks you want and no one can yell at you," I said, accepting the towel and gratefully wiping the makeup off.

"Oh, that's right. I almost forgot about that. Well every year I make them promise not to prank anyone in the family. And he went and broke that rule. So you know what that means?"

I was too shocked to answer properly. I knew I was close with Esme and the Cullens, and I guess I did consider Esme my secondary Mother, but I had no idea she was already considering me one of the family. I smiled a little, for the first time all day.

"That means we can prank him back," Esme said, with an uncharacteristically mischievous smile. I had to laugh; this was just too funny a moment.

"Are you sure, Esme? Emmett will probably try to take revenge on us."

"Well as long as he does it today, that's fine. Besides, I'm still his mother, and I know exactly how to threaten him." She smiled again, a little more evil than mischievous this time.

"Alright, let's start planning; what is most precious to Emmett?" We both looked out the window at the same moment.

"That's it!" We shouted just as the beeper on the microwave started to go off. Before we decided on anything, though, I made the decision to forget about Emmett and sit with Esme in the kitchen, not even Alice would be able to see this one coming!

EPOV

April 1, 2009

Alice was in hysterics. "Oh you got her good, Edward! She's furious. Someone's gonna get it tonight!" I buried my head in my hands.

"I'm beginning to think that this wasn't such a good idea."

"Oh it was a great idea, and speaking of great ideas: pay up! My husband guessed lunch time and he was right." Alice and Jasper smiled smugly as everyone grudgingly forked over twenty bucks each. They divided the money up amongst themselves. "Perhaps we should save some for Bella, too, Jasper. Since we were betting on her it's only fair if we give her a share." Jasper nodded and they set aside twenty dollars for Bella as well. "This might cheer her up, she's crying, you know, Edward."

I groaned into my palms. "Maybe I should just not go home tonight, and then I can avoid Bella. She can't punish me if she can't find me," I suggested. "Then again, maybe I could buy her something. But what? She also gets annoyed when I buy her fancy things! Grr, this is so frustrating!" Alice gasped and her eyes went unfocused. "What? What's going on," I demanded. Alice held up one finger and then disappeared for a moment and then reappeared, smiling broadly.

"No need for the disappearing act, Eddie!"

"Don't call me 'Eddie,' Alice."

"She doesn't think you're the culprit!"

"What," I said, a little too loudly as I jumped out of my seat. For the second time that period the entire cafeteria went quiet and everyone turned to look at one person. Unfortunately this time it was me. I quietly sat back down and waited for Alice to explain.

Once the cafeteria got noisy again Alice explained, "She thinks that you're too sweet of a boyfriend to have done this." Alice rolled her eyes dramatically. "Instead she thinks it was Emmett!"

Now it was Emmett's turn to jump up and scream loudly, "What?!" For a third time the cafeteria went quiet, and everyone stared at Emmett. "I had nothing to do with it! How dare she! She is going to be in so much trouble!" Several people at the tables near us got up and moved elsewhere. Emmett refused to sit down so Rosalie and I had to forcefully maneuver him back into his seat. This involved a lot of cursing and threats all of which, thankfully, were in vampire tones.

Alice was laughing again. "She's taking your Jeep home, oh and she's even considering crashing it!"

"No~!" Emmett yelled, by now everyone on our side of the cafeteria had relocated, some of the people on the other side were even considering leaving lunch early. Now Emmett was practically throwing a temper tantrum at the thought of his Jeep getting even a little bit scratched. Actually, he looked just like a four-year-old. He was banging on the table, conveniently spilling all our drinks and throwing the food on the floor. He was wailing wordlessly and refused to be touched by anyone.

Finally we couldn't stand it anymore. "Emmett stop being such a baby, she didn't crash your car, okay? The Jeep is fine; it's sitting in the driveway right where you always park it," Alice said, picking up the remnants of her fake lunch from the floor.

"And she isn't going to do anything bad to it?" Emmett was calming down but he still looked worried for his car.

"Not that I can see. She's decided to sit with Esme in the kitchen and have hot chocolate. You're safe." Alice got up and walked her tray over to the garbage. "The bell's going to ring in a minute, we'd better get going. Bella will be fine and has decided she'd like a little time alone before we get home so we'd better stay the whole day."

We sighed, none of us wanted to stay in school, we already knew everything they could teach us. But at the same time, it gave us something to do. At home we'd just be sitting around like always. We threw out our trays as the bell rang and then proceeded to our next classes. I planned to tell the teachers that Bella wasn't feeling well and went home. Some of them had already seen her in the lunchroom but Alice assured me none of them would ask questions.

Still, my day would be a little lonely without Bella here, and this morning was rather amusing. She had to check everything three times before she would even consider sitting down, getting up, or touching anything. Oh well, I guess I deserve worse for having pranked her.

BPOV

"This is so exciting," Esme was saying. "I don't think I've ever gotten to . . . what was that word you used?"

"Prank," I offered.

"Yes, thank you. I don't think I've ever gotten to prank one of my children. I'm so excited. Oh, but what do we do if Alice sees our plan?"

"Well just in case she sees it and tries to tell Emmett I thought of a little plan to stop her." I cleared my throat and said very loudly, just to make sure Alice would see my decision, "I've decided that if Alice tells Emmett about our prank then I will burn all her clothes."

Esme was frozen for a moment and then she started to laugh, "Well that seems like a very good plan. Alice would never run the risk of losing all her clothes." She led me over to a closet on the second floor that was next to Carlisle's office. "I believe Carlisle still has a few of them in here somewhere. Ah! Here we go," Esme pulled out several glass bottles.

"Perfect. And we already have everything else." I grinned, "Emmett is going to go crazy when he sees this."

Esme glanced at a clock. "I guess they must be staying at school all day today, we had better hurry then. It's already 1:50." And so we hurried off downstairs and out the front door.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

I couldn't wait to get home. I hated having to leave my baby out in the parking lot all day but leaving her home? With an angry Bella on the loose and quiet possibly bent of revenge? Unheard of! I would not allow it! That is, I wouldn't allow it if I had any say in the matter. And we all had to stay in school. I knew Rosalie would come after me if I left early or even if I left without her.

So all I could do, for the moment at least, was sit and count the minutes until I was allowed to go home. That, and ask Alice if Bella had any plans that involved my truck. She had stopped answering me after I asked her 50 times in five minutes.

But now I could see the end, the light at the end of the tunnel, so-to-speak. There were only five minutes left in the entire school day. Only five more minutes I would have to endure. Unfortunately, it was English class. In all my years as a vampire I had never gotten the hang of English literature. The teachers always seemed to be looking for a different answer. You would think that after decades of school I would have figured out what they want but teachers are just complex that way.

Finally, though, the bell rang. I was up and out of my seat before it half the class even realized the period was over. I rushed out into the hallway, trying to stay at a human speed and hurried into the parking lot, waiting impatiently for the rest of my family. I may have been twitching a little but I was just anxious to see my baby.

RPOV

April 1, 2009

We made it out into the parking lot a full shocking 60 seconds after the bell rang. My idiot husband was already there, dancing around like a human child who really has to go to the bathroom.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

Naturally I got a little more excited when I finally saw my siblings emerge from the building. I could have sworn they were walking like a slow human just to annoy me.

RPOV

April 1, 2009

Of course as soon as Emmett caught sight of us he starting dancing like a human child who really has to go to the bathroom because he just chugged 8 gallons of soda that he mixed with pixie stix.

JPOV

April 1, 2009

When we got outside and found Emmett dancing around, I had to admit, it looked a lot like Alice.

APOV

April 1, 2009

When I saw Emmett dancing around waiting for us to come outside, it reminded me that little dance I do when I'm excited.

RPOV

April 1, 2009

At first I was too busy being annoyed with Emmett to notice. But then I realized, when he was doing that little dance, he looked just like Alice when she gets excited.

EPOV

April 1, 2009

I was getting pretty annoyed having to hear everyone thinking that Emmett dancing around just then looked a lot like Alice. Although I had to admit, it really was a striking resemblance.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

I could see everyone staring at me. And then I realized I was dancing around just like Alice did whenever she got excited.

BPOV

April 1, 2009

We were just rigging up the camcorder to capture our brilliant prank on film when my phone started to buzz in my pocket. I hopped down off the railing and flipped it open.

"Oh, Alice is texting me about something. Maybe Emmett found out about our little plan."

"What's it say?" Esme asked hanging upside-down from the little bit of roof that hung over their front porch. Her caramel hair was swinging freely in the breeze and for some strange reason it almost looked like it was dancing excitedly.

I made a face, "Apparently Emmett is doing the Alice dance. You know the one she does when she gets really excited about something?"

"Oh . . ."

CPOV

April 1, 2009

I was just finishing up some paperwork in my office when my phone started to ring. I immediately recognized the ring tone as Edward's. At first I was hesitant to pick it up, but then I remembered Esme's pact so I assumed it would be a prank-free message. I flipped it open and a video popped up.

Apparently Emmett was excited about something. That was the only explanation I could fathom for why Emmett was bouncing around in little circles. I read the attached message.

"Look, Carlisle, Emmett's dancing around just like Alice when she gets excited. No this is not a joke, he's really doing this."

I sighed.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

I knew they were staring but I didn't care. I didn't even care when Edward took a video with his phone, or when Alice texted someone, presumably Bella. I did start to care, though, when they wouldn't do anything but stare at me.

Finally Edward broke the silence. "Would everyone _please_ stop thinking that Emmett looks a lot like Alice when he does that little dance? I hate having to hear my own thoughts in stereo!" Edward proceeded to growl and grumble his way over to his Volvo.

"Shall we get going," Rosalie suggested. "Perhaps before the little _boy_ wets himself?" She smiled and hopped into Edward's car. Alice and Jasper climbed into Alice's yellow Porsche and then everyone simultaneously locked all their doors.

"Oh come, on!" I yelled. Everyone shook their heads in unison. "Seriously?" They all nodded. "Fine," I yelled. They all stuck their tongues out and made 'nya-nya' faces at me. "Race you home!" I yelled and then ran off before anyone could even hope to start their cars.

Unfortunately I really should have anticipated Alice. Of course she would have seen my plan and would have acted accordingly. So as I started to sprint across the parking lot I suddenly felt a sharp pain in the back of my knees and found myself face-to-face with the asphalt. And then I got hit in the head about three times. When I could move again I twisted around and found tire tracks going over my back. Alice had just run me over with her car.

I jumped up and turned towards Rosalie and Edward, "Did you see what they ju-"

And then Edward hit me with his now not-so-shiny and silver-scuffed-and-dented Volvo. Fortunately this time I got tire tracks going up the front side of my body, now Alice couldn't say I wasn't matching. Unfortunately, Edward was good aim, and the tire went right up the center of my body, hitting me between the legs.

EPOV

April 1, 2009

Honestly, mortals don't know true pleasure until they know the feeling of running over your non-biological vampire brother who had been bugging you and mocking you for the last century with your car. And they really don't know true ecstasy until they combine true pleasure with the knowledge that you hit him in his sweet spot.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

That day I decided to put Edward on the top of my "Revenge" list. That made a total of one. Bella might take his place at the top, however, depending on what she did to my car.

"Ah! My car," I shouted, suddenly remembering my purpose. I took off, flying past the traffic and rushed home to find my baby. I beat Edward and the others home but I didn't have time to gloat. My baby was sitting in the driveway, right where Alice said she would be. "So far, so good." I hurried closer. _That's funny_, I thought to myself, _I don't remember getting tinted windows for the car. Wait a minute . . . those aren't tinted windows those are windows covered in . . . _"Ink?! Oh no, not ink! That's horrible to try and wash off glass!" I hung my head in shame. "I don't deserve this, just because I'm always mocking Edward, and making Bella blush, and provoking her when she's all moody and hormonal. And just because I'm always making jokes at the expense of everyone around me doesn't mean I deserve this!"

"Yes it does!" Someone yelled.

I turned around but no one was there. Oh well. "Come on, baby," I said to my car. "I'll take you to the deluxe car wash and they'll get you all nice and clean and shiny." I hopped into the driver's seat . . . and felt something pop beneath me. And suddenly the seat and my pants were wet and stained with . . . oh no. "No, no, no this can't be happening! We have to get going before the ink sets." I slammed my foot onto the gas and felt something else go pop. More dark ink oozed out from behind the pedal. I yelled and jerked the steering wheel, which was also slimy with ink, and hit the brakes. I really shouldn't have been surprised when another balloon burst and more ink spilled out. I turned slowly to look into the back seat.

"NOOOOOOOOOOO!!" My entire back seat was covered in blue and black ink.

I leapt out of the car and looked towards the porch. Bella was in hysterics and holding a video camera up to her face. "I'll get you for this Bella!"

"No you won't," It was Edward, coming to protect his little human.

I scowled, _Oh yes I will, yes I will, _I thought.

"_No_ you won't."

_Yes I will._

"No, Emmett you won't. I can read your thoughts, remember?"

Drat. "Fine, then! I'll just revenge on _you_ instead! Beware, Edward! Beware!" And with that I got back into my car, slammed the door, and drove away.


	3. Emmett vs Edward

**Hi. . .I have to say, trying to write a new chapter every day is exhausting, and its really hurting my other stories. So for now, I'm going to slow down a bit. I'm still going to update, and I'll try to do it as often as possible. My friend was even working on our halloween story yesterday so we might get a chapter of that up soon. But I simply can't update this every day. Sorry. That being said, please enjoy this latest chapter! I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! Enact operation "Namedropping" :)**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer**

Chapter 3: Emmett vs. Edwardg

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

"Stupid Edward with his stupid prank on his stupid girlfriend who pulled that stupid prank on my awesome car. I'll never forgive her for this!"

"Yes you will," a voice said.

"Who's there?!" I started to swerve around the highway as I searched for the secret voice.

"You idiot! Focus on the road!"

"Sorry," I swerved back into the proper lane and kept driving. "Who are you anyway? Are you my conscience?"

"Your-um . . . yes, yes I am."

"But why should I forgive Bella? She ruined my car!"

"Ah but she only did that because she thinks you were the one to put that clown make-up on her."

"But I didn't!"

"I know, but she doesn't. And since today is April Fool's Day she can't technically get in trouble."

"You're a lousy conscience."

"Hey! Do you want to know what revenge I have planned for Edward or not?"

I gasped. "I take it back! You're a wonderful conscience! The best conscience in the whole wide world." I stopped to think about what else I always said to Rosalie whenever I did something bad and wanted her to forgive me. "I love you."

I heard someone sigh in the back seat. "Alright, then. So we're agreed about getting revenge on Edward?"

"Oh, yes! All you need to do is tell me what I need to buy and what to do with it!"

"Good. When you're done dropping your car off you'll need to go to the grocery store and pick up these items." A list appeared in front of my face. I scanned over it, which didn't take long because there were only two items. "Just get that and then make sure you hide it from Edward when you get home. There will be another note in your room that tells you what to do."

"Wait, are you leaving? What if I need you again? My conscience can't just leave me, how will I know when to make stupid and perverted jokes and when not to make them?"

"You _never _know when to make them! You ignore everyone's suggestions and make them whenever you want!"

"Oh, so that's what I'm supposed to do."

"No you moron! Oh, never mind. If you need me just talk to Jasper." And then I heard the sound of a door opening and slamming shut. So of course I had to try and follow my conscience. But I couldn't see anything. All I saw was a bunch of angry drivers waving their fists at me and Jasper hopping on car hoods.

"Oh well," I said and I swerved back across the 4 lanes of traffic to pull into the car dealership.

BPOV

April 1, 2009

"Wait, wait! This is the best part, right here." I jabbed my finger at the computer screen. We all watched and then laughed at Emmett's face as he realized what had been done to his car. "Alice is there any way we can get that part to repeat?"

"How many times," She laughed.

We were all sitting around the computer watching the video I had rigged up of Emmett finding his car. Alice was busy editing it, clearing the picture and sound, adding sound effects and repeating all the funny parts.

I laid my head against Edward's shoulder. "Well, all-in-all I think that today was a pretty good day. Certainly the best April Fool's Day I've had. Admittedly I was furious with Emmett for pulling a prank on me but I got him back, so all is well. By the way Edward, when did Emmett have a chance to prank me?"

"Yeah, Edward, when?" Alice was smiling at Edward like she knew something secret.

"I'm surprised you don't remember Alice," Edward said, glaring at her. "Bella you fell asleep on the way to school, you must have been up all night worrying about today. Well when we parked at school I got out of the car to see if Alice foresaw any pranks and to remind them of the pact we had. I guess Emmett must have put that makeup on you then."

Edward leaned in to kiss me then, but I had other things on my mind. Part of his story made sense. I can remember falling asleep and that would explain how I ended up with clown makeup on my face without seeing who did it. But Edward had been with me for most of the morning. Surely he would have noticed that I had that clown makeup on.

"Edward," I said, the anger rising in my voice.

Suddenly Edward stood up. "Well it's been a long day; I'm going to head to bed. Goodnight Bella. See you in the morning!" Edward's voice rose steadily higher until it was just a thin shriek. Then he ran up the stairs as fast as his vampire legs would carry him.

Before I could yell "Hey" there was the sound of a door slamming and locking. I growled. "I hope you realize, Edward, that this means WAR!"

"Are you going to prank him back, Bella?"

"Of course I am."

"Great! Shall we get scheming? We're going to have to work fast; Emmett already has something planned for Edward."

"Oh, I'm not going to prank him yet. This is going to be an ultimate prank, it needs time to grow and mature. Besides, it will freak him out if he has to wait for it."

"I knew there was a reason I loved you!" Alice tackled me in a hug that was so tight I couldn't breathe.

"Alice," I wheezed, "Looser . . . please!"

"Whoops," she said. "I just got so excited." Her eyes went unfocused. "And speaking of excited . . ."

The front door swung open and in charged Emmett. He didn't say a word but rushed into his room, carrying a brown paper bag in his arms. I heard his door slam, there seemed to be a lot of slamming doors around her lately, and then heard it reopen. Emmett came thundering back down the stairs. "Alice, if you breathe a word of this to Edward then I swear-"

"I know, I know," Alice said, waving off his idle threats. "You'll burn my clothes, got it. My lips are sealed."

"Burn you clothes," Emmett mumbled. "That's a good idea! If you tell Edward then I'll . . . oh wait, you just said that."

We all stared at Emmett, surprised by his latest show of stupidity.

"Fail," Alice said.

Emmett decided to ignore her. "Listen, Bella. I need your help with this, too. I need you to keep Edward distracted somehow during the night."

"Why," I asked cautiously. "What are you planning? You can tell me, Edward can't read my mind, remember?"

"Perfect!" Emmett leaned in and started to whisper his plan to me. By the time he had finished I was in stitches on the floor.

"Okay, Emmett you go steal one of his t-shirts and I'll get him set up down here. He'll never see it coming. Oh but make sure when you're finished and you come down that you have some rope and a blindfold."

EPOV

April 1, 2009

I had really done it this time. Not only had I pranked Bella but I had also lied to her, technically, and now she was sure to be furious with me. I had no idea how I could make it up to her. Perhaps I should just resort to the old, classic standby that all men used when their girlfriends or wives were mad at them. Get on my knees, play stupid and beg for forgiveness, agreeing to do whatever she says.

I heard Emmett's thoughts loitering around my door before I actually heard him. "What is it Emmett?"

"Bella wants to see you downstairs. I think she's willing to forgive you if you do a quick favor for her."

I was downstairs and kneeling in front of my Bella before Emmett even finished talking. "My love, what can I do for you? Would you like something to eat? Some new clothes maybe? Want me to do your homework for you? Anything you want, except turning you into a vampire. I'll do anything!"

Bella smiled. "Edward how long has your hair been like that?"

"Huh? Oh, I guess I never changed it."

"You never cut it?" I shook my head. "Or dyed it?" I shook my head again. "It's starting to look a little pale. Renée just sent me a book about how to add highlights to your hair, and it turns out its really easy. Besides, you would look like a real _stud_."

I was hesitant, Bella wasn't exactly known for her skill in the hair and makeup section of life. This was a girl who on more than one occasion decided she didn't want to bother combing her hair when she got up in the morning so she just put it up into a ponytail and hoped no on noticed!

"Well, I don't know about that Bella," I hedged, trying not to let her see how little faith I had in her hair-dying skills.

"If you do this then I'll forgive you and won't try to take revenge for the whole horrible incident you caused today."

"Deal." I knew I would regret it, but what choice did I have, honestly?

BPOV

April 1, 2009

I was trying so hard not to laugh hysterically. It was amazing what you could get your boyfriend to do with a few simple threats and some guilt. Even now I was getting Edward to sit in the living room in an old chair that Esme had in the storage garage. We put a bunch of newspapers on the floor around the chair and I put a sheet around Edward's neck so that if any of the dye spilled it wouldn't land on his clothes. Edward had his back to the door as Emmett came down with some rope and a blindfold in his hand.

I had to bite my cheek to keep from laughing hysterically. As calmly as I could manage I walked over to Emmett and took the blindfold. Then I walked back to Edward and started to tie it around his eyes.

"Don't worry, Edward," I soothed, "This is just to make sure that it doesn't get in your eyes. And since everyone looks a little silly when they get highlights in their hair I'm putting this on so that you can't run away because you think you look stupid."

Edward wasn't happy but he let me put the blindfold on because he believed that I would forgive him. And I would, but he would be too mad to care.

And then Emmett brought the rope over and started to tie Edward's hands to the chair. "Bella? What's the rope for, Bella? Bella!"

"Don't worry, Edward, I just want to make sure you don't run away! If I only do part of your head then you'll look really silly."

Edward started to struggle a little bit until Emmett uncapped the bottle of hair dye and its pungent odor filled the room.

"Now Edward," I warned, "You have to sit very still, otherwise your hair is going to look crazy." Slowly Edward stilled, though his reluctance to do so was clearly painted on his face. I motioned to Emmett who knelt down behind Edward and started to squeeze some of the dye into his hair. Luckily for us Edward had no idea what it's supposed to feel like when you get your hair dyed, otherwise he surely would have known something was up.

At several points I had to leave the room and go hide in Emmett's bedroom so that I could laugh. I was just lucky that Emmett and Rosalie had a bedroom on the top floor.

EmPOV

April 1, 2009

I couldn't believe we were getting away with this. Dreams really do come true! This was all thanks to my conscience. I would have to thank him later. Right now Edward was bound to a chair with a blindfold over his face and he had no idea that I was putting hair dye in his hair. He thought Bella was giving him highlights!

I kept seeing Bella wander in and out of the room, trying desperately to control her laughter. Finally she ended up sitting on my shoulder. Edward had to believe that she was the one putting in the hair dye but she couldn't look at the back of his head without laughing. So we settled for having her sit on my shoulder, it wasn't like she weighed anything and I had very steady hands.

The t-shirt we had prepared was upstairs drying as well. Edward would have no idea what had happened until it was too late! This was the best April Fool's Day ever! I would have to remember to give great thanks tonight.

Once I had finished with Edward and Bella managed to keep her emotions under control we were ready for part two.

"Edward? We finished putting in the highlights but now they need to dry, so we're going to put you in the drying room that Alice rigged up for us, okay? You'll have to stay in there for a while if you want the highlights to set. Do you want me to stay there with you?"

"Yes, love, I would like you to stay with me. But only if you've forgiven me."

Bella sat down in Edward's lap as I started to pull his chair down the hall. "Of course I forgive you, Edward. I could never stay mad at you." She leaned in and kissed him while I made a gagging face behind their backs. When we reached the closet I turned to Bella and asked if she was okay with sleeping here tonight. She nodded and I shrugged. I shoved them both inside the closet and turned on the high-powered heat lamp that Alice had given us. I focused it on Edward's head just to make sure it would be dry by morning.

"Be good, you two. I don't want anything kooky happening in here. No 'Seven Hours in Heaven' alright?" I shut the door, hung a "Do Not Disturb: Prank in Progress" sign on the door handle and then ran off before anyone could do anything to stop me.

RPOV

April 1, 2009

I'm pretty sure Emmett had finally lost it. I came into our room later that night and found him kneeling on the floor in front of our bed with his hands folded in prayer. That wasn't the weird part. What was weird was his prayer.

"Your Holiness? I just wanted to thank you for bringing me that wonderful conscience, who sounded a lot like Jasper now that I think about it. Anyway, I want to thank you for sending me such a great conscience because without him I never would have been able to pull such a spectacular prank on Edward. He's going to flip tomorrow and it's all thanks to you, Santa. I knew you really existed. Rosalie said you didn't, which almost made me cry, but I knew that you existed all along. Thank you, Santa Claus."

EPOV

April 2, 2009

Bella slept in my arms that night, so I figured I was forgiven. I couldn't see her or feel her face, however, because I was still blindfolded and bound to the chair. So when she finally woke up in the morning I asked if she would please untie me and take off my blindfold.

I felt her stretch and climb off my lap. I heard a door open and then she was pulling me outside. Then she untied my blindfold and I was so happy, I could finally see my darling Bella's face again. I leaned up to her and kissed her soft, pink lips. I had a feeling that today was going to be a good day.

BPOV

April 2, 2009

I was so excited, today was the big prank day and Edward still had no idea what was going on! I even got him to wear the shirt, which, I had to admit, did make him look like a _stud_. Even if it would attract a lot of unwanted attention. But Alice had assured me that my relationship with Edward wasn't going to end any time soon.

APOV

April 2, 2009

Enact operation "Namedropping."

When we got to school I skipped over to Edward's car and leaned on the hood. "My, my, Edward," I said, "From this angle, with the light hitting you through the windshield and the color of your Volvo, you really look like a _stud_. Bella, you're very lucky to be with my brother." I walked away; delighted I had been able to keep a straight face.

EmPOV

April 2, 2009

Enact operation "Namedropping."

I strode up next to Edward in the hall during school and slapped my arm around his shoulders. "Are you excited for volleyball today in gym, Eddie? I'm really _looking for a good time_, today so I'm not going to _phone it in_ at all. I'm bringing it to the court! It's going to be a great match." Then I walked away, before my smile got a little too large and my laughter, that I was trying to keep contained, erupted past my lips.

RPOV

April 2, 2009

Enact operation "Namedropping."

I was standing in front of Edward in the lunch line today. "Hey, Edward, do you want a _muffin_ today? You look like you're in the mood for a _muffin_? You know what they say, '_Muffins_ know how to _have a good time_' right?" The look he gave me was simply priceless. It took all my skill not to laugh.

EPOV

April 2, 2009

Everyone was acting rather strange today, and I couldn't, for the life of me, figure out why. The only thing that I could find in any of their minds, other than muffins, hot guys with the word 'Stud' usually written across their chest in some fashion, rhinestones, glitter, ink, whipped cream, or just thinking over and over again 'Edward is such a stud muffin.' I was baffled. And Bella either was trying desperately not to laugh or she was suddenly very self conscious about her lips. She either had her hand clamped over her lips or she had them tucked into her mouth, making her look like she was eating something sour.

"Oh, by the way, Esme decided to bake _muffins_ today so the house is going to smell like _muffins_. Do you like _muffins_, Bella?"

Bella opened her mouth to say something, started to laugh, closed her mouth and settled for nodding and smiling. I knew something was up and I intended to get the truth out of Bella one way or another.

CPOV

April 2, 2009

I had gotten a call from Emmett during the day. He assured me he was at lunch and asked if I could do him a favor.

"Please when I give the phone to Edward tell him that he's a stud!" I just sat there for a moment, dumbfounded. "Carlisle? Carlisle, you there? Please, you have to do it! It will totally freak Edward out!"

"Have you thought about what it will do to me?"

"Please, Carlisle, its part of a prank."

"Oh, well in that case, NO!" But after a few minutes of Emmett begging and pleading with me I finally consented just to shut him up.

"Great! Time to enact operation 'Namedropping.'"

Enact operation "Namedropping."

Emmett pretended like he got a call from me on his cell phone and then handed it to Edward.

"Hello?" Edward said cautiously, I had a feeling he had been getting strange messages.

"Edward, you are a stud." I promptly hung up and pretended that I had no children, that it was just me and my wife. That made me feel better.

JPOV

April 2, 2009

"You know, Edward," I said, earning an annoyed and weary glare from him as I sat across from him at our lunch table. "I don't know what it is about you but today you seem like such a . . . a stud muffin! Yeah, that's the word!" I grinned at him. He continued to glare.

What's operation "Namedropping?"

EPOV

April 2, 2009

I managed to corner Bella after lunch when no one else was around. "Bella," I said quietly, having maneuvered her into a corner, "What's so incredibly funny? Why has everyone been talking to me about muffins, studs, and having a good time? What do you know that I do not?" I kept my eyes closed and tried to control my breathing.

"I don't know anything," She squeaked. Her voice tiny and her words coming out quickly.

I sighed. I had hoped it wouldn't come to this, but I guess there was no stopping it. I opened my eyes and released the full power of my smoldering amber eyes onto Bella.

To give her credit, she lasted a whopping five seconds against my eyes before she finally cracked. "I didn't put highlights in your hair, Emmett wrote 'Stud Muffin' in black hair dye and on the back of your shirt is something Emmett wrote too. I didn't want him to do it but Alice said that nothing bad would happen with our romantic relationship. So on the back of your shirt it says 'Looking for a good time? Call . . .' and then it has your cell phone number." Bella blurted this all on one breath and if I hadn't been a vampire I probably wouldn't have been able to understand any of it.

I was furious. Bella, on the other hand, looked very relieved.

"I'm going to kill him!" I spun around and started to storm away.

Bella laughed again but managed to scream, "Wait!" I looked over my shoulder at her. "It wasn't Emmett's idea! He said that someone else told him to do this! He wouldn't say who, though."

I knew who it was. And I knew exactly how to get back at them.

"Bella, we're going home!"

"Gladly!"

"You're going to help me get this dye out of my hair and," I twisted around and caught a glimpse of the writing on the back of my shirt. "I'm getting out of this darn shirt." I ripped the flimsy fabric straight off my body, the front and back halves fluttering lifelessly to the floor. Bella pretended to fan herself. I scooped her into my arms and she squealed delightedly.

Sadly I was too busy planning my revenge to entertain Bella more. To quote her earlier, "This means war."

BPOV

April 2, 2009

I was so happy when a shirtless Edward, who had been carrying me in his arms only moments ago inside the school, sped us home and ran me upstairs into his bedroom. His lips were so soft and his skin was so smooth and cold beneath my fingers, I just couldn't resist. And apparently, neither could he.

Making out with Edward always makes me feel better after a long day of pranks and secrets.

EPOV

April 2, 2009

Okay so maybe I wasn't _that_ busy after all.


	4. Edward vs Rosalie

**Woot! We're back! Sorry it's been so long since we updated. I lost a bit of inspiration so if the start of this chapter is a little choppy that's why. But by the end I had found my inspiration again and everything is back to being crazy. And the next chapter is already written and will be posted first thing tomorrow. But my first thing I really mean, first thing I remember to do when I get my hands on a computer. But it will be up tomorrow and my friend is working on Vampire-O-Lantern now, too! :D So please enjoy this latest chapter.**

Chapter 4: Edward vs. Rosalie

EPOV

April 2, 2009

I knew that Emmett couldn't have been the mastermind behind this whole plan. There was no way he was smart enough to plan this out by himself. But there was one person he would always listen to that was evil enough to think up this prank. Someone who knew me very well and knew that I hated to attract so much attention to myself. And especially hated it when all that attention came from girls. Except of course for Bella, she was my exception.

I would not sit idly by and let myself be pranked, however. I would get my revenge! And Rosalie would pay dearly for it. I only had to think for a moment about what Rosalie loved more than anything else. I smiled as images of pranks filtered through my head. Luckily for me I had gotten quite a few good ideas from all the kids at school. Humans really seem to love their practical jokes. I selected my favorite and started plotting my revenge.

BPOV

April 2, 2009

Edward seemed to be in a strange mood that night. He was smiling a little too much and he kept laughing maniacally and tapping his fingertips together while mumbling "excellent" over and over again. I was starting to get worried. I had never seen him act like this. It was intriguing but also rather frightening; usually Edward was more level-headed than this. Then again, maybe all that hair dye was messing with his brain.

"Edward," I said cautiously, "Are you alright?"

He seemed to notice me for the first time, even though I was sitting in his lap. "Bella, you're here!" He seemed delighted by this simple fact. "Listen, I need your help with a scheme I'm working on." Okay, now I knew something was wrong. Edward never let me help in his schemes, mostly because he never had schemes. Edward decided to ignore my astonished face, or maybe he just didn't notice in the first place, "I need you to go out shopping with my sisters in the morning. Especially Rosalie. Get her out of the house and keep her out until I can finish my little scheme." I just stared at him stupidly for a moment.

"No, Edward. I refuse to go shopping to with Alice!"

"I heard shopping," Alice said, appearing in our doorway. "When do we go and when do we go?" She smiled broadly.

"Tomorrow morning, and stay out all day if you would. I'd send you now but the human needs her rest. Take Rose with you when you go."

"Sure thing!" Alice darted back from the room and ran off shouting Rosalie's name.

I decided that if Edward wouldn't act sensible then neither would I. I crossed my arms over my chest and put on my best 5-year-old pout. "I don't want to go to bed."

"Yes you do, Bella. You're sleepy."

"No I'm not! I don't want to sleep, I'm not ready!"

Edward sighed. "Alright, what would you like to do?"

"A game, a game," I yelled, thoroughly enjoying myself.

"Alright," Edward said, scribbling out a small list. "We'll have a scavenger hunt and you can go find all these things for me. And when you bring them all back here I'll read you a book and then you can go to sleep."

But I was off down the hall before he even finished his sentence. This was actually a lot of fun. I would have to remember to act like a little kid more often. Maybe I could get the others to be kids with me; hide-and-seek is always more fun with more players.

Soon I had gathered all the supplies on Edward's scavenger hunt list, although usually the items on a list made more sense than these did. But, in my five-year-old frame of mind, I didn't really care or notice all that much. I bounced on the bed a little and then decided to sit and watch Edward rummage around in his closet. At first he was just trying to hide all the things I brought him, and then I think he was trying to find pajamas for me.

Someone had apparently bought me personalized pajamas and I had a feeling it was either Esme or Alice. The clothes were in a very Alice-like style but it also seemed like something Esme would see at the mall and buy. It was a blue nightgown, the kind that looked like an oversized t-shirt. This one was light blue with darker blue sleeves. And in the middle of it was a chibi-style vampire holding a teddy bear that, appropriately enough, also had little fangs. I saw Edward also pull out matching blue slippers and a robe with another chibi vampire on it.

He held them out to me but I shook my head. "You dress me, Eddie!" I was still having too much fun being a little kid.

Edward grimaced and I suspected it wasn't just because I had called him Eddie. Edward seemed to have an issue with dressing me, or undressing me as the case would be. He would always mumble something about his 'self control' and then leave the room. But I didn't see what the big deal was. And especially tonight, I was still wearing a bra and underwear so it wasn't a big deal. All he had to do was swap my current shirt for the nightgown and help me out of my jeans.

As it was it took Edward nearly 15 minutes to get me changed. Then he tucked me into bed, refusing to read me a book, which I pretended to pout about. I would have tried to make more demands but my lack of sleep from the previous nights was catching up to me. Soon I flopped back against his soft, black pillows and was out for the night.

APOV

April 3, 2009

I was more than excited for our little shopping excursion that day. I was going to have so much fun buying Bella an adorable new outfit. I Just knew that something fun was going to happen. Especially considering the fact that Edward was planning some sneaky revenge on Rosalie. Yep, today was going to be a good day.

As soon as Bella even showed the slightest hint of waking up I told Rosalie to get ready to go shopping. I was in a good mood that morning, and it seemed that Bella's childish acts the night before had spread to the rest of us. While I waited for Bella I was practicing my cartwheels across the lawn. I could get to a streak of five perfect cartwheels but I was no match for Rosalie. She could make it across the yard in a series of elegant cartwheels, handstands, general flips and land perfectly.

Still, I was determined to catch up to her; just because she had 100 years of gymnastics training didn't mean she automatically won the contest. Anyway, by the time Bella came downstairs Rosalie and I were in full out war. Both of us cart-wheeling across the yard to see who was better. Bella stared at us for a moment and then decided to try it as well. She ran out into the yard and did what I assumed was her best attempt at a cartwheel. She failed miserably, her legs didn't extend or reach above her head and she landed flat on her butt. We both tried to stifle our laughter.

"Be quiet, both of you," Bella said, brushing the dirt off her body and stalking over to the car. She plopped down in the back seat and glared at us. When we failed to move fast enough she started honking the horn. Humans can be so pushy.

But we hopped into the car anyway and zoomed off to the mall. As per usual Bella was pouting in the back seat. "Alice, why do we always have to go to the mall? Why can't we go to the bookstore instead? Or go see a movie! We go to the mall every time I come over and something crazy always happens. I would have thought by now you would be tired of crazy shenanigans."

"Bella, Bella, Bella, I thought by now you would have known better than that. I _never_ get tired of crazy shenanigans," I said just before I slammed my foot onto the gas pedal. We were propelled forwards, our bodies pushed back into the seats.

Rosalie peeked behind us to look at Bella and laughed. "She's plastered to the seat! She can't move!"

EPOV

April 3, 2009

I found myself cackling evilly as I worked. I knew that Emmett, Carlisle and Jasper were standing behind me, all peering into my room but I didn't care.

"Well it would seem Edward's finally lost it," Emmett said.

"He's crossed over to the dark side," Jasper agreed.

"Edward, I am your father," Carlisle said in his best Darth Vader voice. They all laughed. And I joined them. But I must have been laughing a little too hard because they all slowly began to edge away from the door.

I continued to cackle evilly. "Rosalie's going to pay for what she did," I grumbled as I finished the preparations for the first part of my plan.

BPOV

April 3, 2009

I would have to make a mental note to make Edward kill Alice later. She really deserves it. Honestly, I don't know where she finds these things or how I always get talked into wearing them. "I hate you, Alice," I called over the dressing room door.

"Thanks, I love you, too," She said back in her usual perky sing-song voice.

I growled. "I hate having to look at these crazy outfits you make me wear."

"Alright, so we'll do it blind then!" And then the next thing I knew I was blind. I couldn't see anything but I could feel Alice's hands on my shoulders. Then I felt her start pulling off my current outfit. I yelped in protest but she ignored me. Soon enough I felt another outfit being put on. A shirt slid over my head and shorts were pulled up my legs. It was very disconcerting to be dressed and not be able to see what you were wearing. What was even worse was knowing you were being dressed by Alice and not know what you were wearing.

"I take it back; I want to see what you're putting me in! Please let me see! Rosalie help me," I yelled, trying to free myself from Alice's iron grip on my wrists, to no avail.

"Oh, I'll help alright." I heard the distinct clicking of a camera and felt the flash against my closed eyes.

"That's not helping," I whined.

APOV

April 3, 2009

Bella's such a spoil-sport. She just doesn't trust me to pick out clothes that look good on her. And she trusts me even less when I tell her she'll look super cute in something.

And I don't know how she could have gotten any cuter in that little fairy costume we found. It was a little yellow mini-dress complete with little puff sleeves and matching yellow shorts. The yellow flats had little pom-poms on the tips, too.

Rosalie was having fun taking pictures and I was holding Bella down so that she couldn't run away from us as she had so many times in the past. But now Bella was getting really angry, and whenever she got angry she would start to cry involuntarily, and if Edward sees she had been crying then we were really in for it. And I for one did not intend to lose my clothes!

"Fine, have it your way," I said, pulling off her blindfold.

She stared at herself in the mirror and then screamed. "Put it back on! Put it back on!" I laughed.

EPOV

April 3, 2009

I had just texted Rosalie and asked her to come home, telling her that Emmett needed her for something. I was so excited I could barely contain myself. I sat cross-legged on the floor in my room and gave in to my hysterical laughter.

JPOV

April 3, 2009

I was walking by Edward's room when I heard some creepy noise. I thought perhaps he was strangling a cat who was attempting to play the bagpipes. But when I peeked in all I saw was Edward laughing maniacally. He looked evil . . . and insane.

CPOV

April 3, 2009

I hoped the day would never come when I saw my son go insane. But, at least he was having fun . . . laughing evilly . . . to himself. Oh dear.

EmPOV

April 3, 2009

This is hilarious! Edward's lost his marbles, finally, and is laughing evilly in his room.

RPOV

April 3, 2009

My phone was buzzing in my pocket. I had a voicemail from Edward. Apparently Emmett needed me for something. I made a face.

"What's the face for," Alice asked.

"Edward's laughing evilly in this message," I glanced at the phone. "And he's been laughing for a full minute now. The phone finally cut him off." I stared at Alice, she shrugged.

BPOV

April 3, 2009

I was pretty annoyed at Alice for putting me in this stupid outfit. She would pay for this . . . eventually. My phone started to play the "I'm Too Sexy" theme. I would have to guard my phone more carefully around Emmett.

I flipped it open and a video text from Emmett popped up. "Bella, I thought you should know what your boyfriend has been up to while you were gone." The video cut away to Edward, sitting in our room, laughing hysterically in that strange manner of evil people who've lost their mind. I sighed, I knew this was coming, but it still made me sad.

EsPOV

April 3, 2009

I ignored the large, pale, evilly laughing lump in the middle of Edward's room and started cleaning. Not rain, nor sleet, nor snow or hysterical sons would keep me from my appointed cleaning.

BPOV

April 3, 2009

"I don't care what Edward's doing! I refuse to stay here for one moment longer in this ridiculous outfit! I refuse to go shopping with you ever again!"

Alice looked baffled, "But how are we supposed to pass the time?"

"Ever heard of card games? Board games? Games of any fashion?!"

"Oh, fashion!"

I smacked my head with my palm. "No, Alice. Let's start with card games. Do you know any card games?"

"I know," Rosalie said, her arm shooting into the air and waving excitedly. I stared at her until she started talking again. "I heard this one game called 52 pick-up. Can you show us how to play, Bella? I've got some cards right here." She pulled a deck of cards out of her purse. I was about to ask why she had cards in her purse but thought better of it.

"You take the cards and throw them into the air like this," I said, throwing the cards into the air. It wasn't until after that moment that I realized what a stupid mistake I had made. I suddenly found myself standing in the middle of the store, in plain view of the security guards and the manager, and I was still wearing that crazy fairy outfit. To top it all off, one of the cards gave me a paper cut.

"OW," I yelled.

"My eye!" Someone yelled, we all turned to see an innocent bystander clutching their eye.

"Sorry," I called weakly, my face heating.

"Stop right there!"

I whirled around, which must have dislodged another card because that same someone started yelling again. "My _other_ eye!"

Alice and Rosalie stood off to the side, hiding behind racks of clothing, laughing hysterically. "You really are the clumsiest girl we know," they shouted.

By now a few drops of blood had landed on the dress. The manager came storming over to me, flanked my two security guards. "Miss, did you throw these cards into the air?"

"What – I – but – yes," I admitted, glaring at Alice and Rosalie.

"Is that blood on that shirt? Is this your shirt?"

"No, but I'm guessing it is now."

"You're right. Please come with me," the manager led me over to the registers where Alice helped me pay while Rosalie sweet-talked the guards out of punishing me. As it was I got kicked out of the store and was forbidden to go in ever again.

JPOV

April 3, 2009

"Hrm. Hrm. Hrm. Hrm?"

Carlisle looked up from his desk. "Jasper what are you doing?"

"Edward wouldn't let me help him so he told me to wander around the house and do something that made me feel important. So I'm going into every room and saying 'Hrm.'" I grinned as I struck my 'hrm' pose; I put one arm over my chest, made a check mark with my thumb and index finger and rested my chin in the space of the check mark.

Carlisle stared at me.

"We're home," The girls called from downstairs.

"Showtime," I yelled and disappeared again.

CPOV

April 3, 2009

I have a strange family.

RPOV

April 3, 2009

I went upstairs to drop off some of the bags and to look for Emmett; the big dummy had probably done something stupid to our room again. I walked faster.

"Emmett what did yo-OH!" I tripped over something in the door way and went crashing into a pile of squishy pillows that were piled up on the floor. But my relief was short-lived as something white and disgusting flew up around me and covered me. I screamed as I realized that I had landed in pillows filled with shaving cream. I wiped the cream from my eyes and flung it away from myself, scrambling off the pillows. And then I began to notice a familiar pattern to the pillows. They weren't ordinary pillows.

I screamed again, louder this time. _Someone_ had turned my clothes into pillows and filled them with shaving cream.

Emmett burst into the room, "What's wrong?"

"SOMEONE RUINED MY CLOTHES!"

I growled and dove for the closet, he would pay for this. And he would pay dearly.

**Note: Jasper's 'hrm' phase was actually based on something I did that day. I actually did the same thing going around my house trying to find my sister. I found her then realized I had nothing to tell her.**


	5. Rosalie vs Jasper

**Howdy! Aren't y'all lucky, two updates in two days, one right after another. This was also a fun chapter to write. Jasper continues to be goofy and . . . well, you'll see. :D I know this chapter is shorter than the others but I still think it's a pretty funny one. Please enjoy everyone!**

**Characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer!**

Chapter 5: Rosalie vs. Jasper

RPOV

April 3, 2009

Emmett was staring at me, trying not to laugh at me.

"If you so much as chuckle at me behind my back I'll come after you and I won't stop hunting you until I've beaten you to a pulp." I was digging through my pile of ruined clothes and trying to get to my closet without setting off any more pillows bombs.

Emmett gulped, all traces of laughter instantly disappearing from his face. He backed up into the doorway, which was wise of him. "What are you going to do now," he asked.

"I'm going to get _it_."

"Oh no, not _it_. Everyone hates that thing." He seemed to realize something. "Who are you going to use it on?" He began to edge farther into the hallway.

"Well, since you're my husband, I'll give you a little head start, so-to-speak. The next time I find you, Edward, or Jasper, I'm going to use it on you. No ifs, ands or buts."

Emmett seemed frozen in the doorway. "Can I run now?"

"Yes."

And with that one little word Emmett took off, screaming at the top of his lungs and begging for someone to hide him. I rolled my eyes and ignored him as his cries faded and pulled open the extra cutout compartment in the back of my closet and pulled out the ultimate weapon. Yep, with _it_ in my hands, I would be unstoppable.

JPOV  
April 3, 2009

I continued running from room to room doing my 'hrm' face. I wasn't sure what I was looking for and it occurred to me that I had no decent explanation for my actions. I decided that now would be a good time to construct one. I sat down right where I was, which was rather inconvenient because I suddenly found myself sitting on top of Bella.

"Jasper! Get . . . off . . . of me!" She was trying to push me off of her but she was surprisingly weak. Weakness must be a human thing.

"You're very weak, you know," I said to her. "Is that because you're a human? Hrm."

"Seriously, get off!" She kept pushing at me.

"You know Bella if you can't keep your hands off of me then Alice is going to be very mad."

"And if you crush me then Edward is going to be very, very mad!"

"True, true. Hey, Bella, can you think of a reason why I should be going into every room of the house and saying 'hrm'?"

Bella started to say something but then thought better of it. "You know, I haven't seen Rosalie in a while," she said, her smile evident in her voice. "Why don't you go look for her? I'll bet she'd love to see you make your little 'herm' face."

"No, Bella, not 'herm' its 'hrm,' like this." I got up and bent down so that my face was even with Bella's. "Like this, see?" I made my 'hrm' face for her again.

"Yeah, whatever, go find Rosalie." Bella got up and walked away.

"Geez, what got into her?"

"Who are you talking to?"

I turned around; Carlisle was staring at me with a concerned look on his face.

"I'm talking to you, of course," I grinned broadly.

Carlisle began to back towards the stairs, turning slowly and walking downstairs.

"What got into him?"

"Okay, seriously! Who are you talking to?" Carlisle was back to staring at me.

"Imaginary friend," I said, keeping a perfectly straight face.

Carlisle shook his head and walked back down the stairs.

"Hrm," I said.

BPOV

April 3, 2009

"I've got the videos," Carlisle said, appearing in front of the television.

I jumped and gasped, still not quite used to their vampire speeds. "You startled me."

"Sorry," Carlisle apologized as he slipped one of the DVDs into the player in the Cullen's massive home entertainment system.

"Oh, Bella, I've wanted to ask you something for a while," Alice said.

I looked up at Edward who nodded, indicating it was a harmless question. "Shoot," I said.

"Why do humans always state really obvious things? You're tall, you scared me, that's funny, you're pale, Alice was right-"

"Okay we get it! I guess it's just an automatic reaction to state the obvious. One of those talking-for-the-sake-of-talking things. I never really thought about it but I guess we do it a lot."

"Yes," Alice said. "Yes, you do. Honestly you would think after all these years humans would get smarter, but no." She sighed and I rolled my eyes.

The DVD started and I scooted closer to Edward. Esme felt like the family needed some bonding time and, ever since I started spending more time at their house than my own, Esme had developed a passion for human-style home videos. Esme, Carlisle, Edward and I were all sitting on the couch and Alice and Emmett were sitting at our feet.

They all started to laugh as clips of me tripping down their front steps popped up. I blushed and looked away, slightly annoyed at them. Edward hugged me closer to his side and kissed the top of my head.

Then it was my turn to laugh as clips from the halftime show we had put on during the big "Boys vs. Girls" football game flipped across the screen. The looks on their faces were priceless. Esme, Alice and I were in hysterics during the second half of the game when the guys kept fumbling and messing up. Now it was my turn to hug Edward and kiss him.

As Esme predicted, it did bring us closer. We were all having fun recalling old memories and laughing at each other, and ourselves. At some point Rosalie came in and joined Alice and Emmett on the floor, she seemed much calmer than before.

The first movie ended and while Carlisle set up the second one I stretched and everyone else chatted.

"Rosalie," Edward said. "Why are you still carrying that thing around?"

"Relax, it's not loaded, Edward."

"I know, but it's still rather disconcerting to see you swinging that around wherever you go."

"Well I was angry because someone ruined all my clothes so I made the decision to shoot the guy I came across who wasn't Carlisle." Rosalie held up her tranquilizer gun and pretended to line up a shot. "It always makes me feel better."

Alice suddenly realized something, "Hey, that reminds me, where's Jasper?"

"Yeah," I said, "I would have thought he'd be drawn in by all the happiness and laughter in the room, what with the home movies and everything."

Rosalie looked uncomfortable. "Yeah . . . about that . . ."

JPOV

April 3, 2009

Hrm, what was I doing? I can't really remember. Hrm, this is strange. Hrm, why is it so windy here? Did Bella go crashing through another window or something?

I managed to open my eyes but that failed to accomplish anything useful, instead I just ended up with a nice view of roof shingles. "Well this is new," I said.

I looked around. "Hrm, judging by the amount of roof shingles, and the breeze, and the fact that I'm getting very wet because of the rain, I'm going to venture a guess that I'm on the roof now."

I looked around and found a sign directly below me that said, 'Yes Jasper, you are on the roof.'

"Ha-HA! I was right! Now for the next mystery."

I looked around and discovered that I was not sitting on the roof, nor was I standing on it or touching it in general. "Am I floating? No . . ."

I squirmed around and discovered the answer. "It would appear that I am hanging from the weather vane by my underwear. Ah, that makes sense."

I stretched my arms out in front of my body. "Hrm, I appear not to be wearing a shirt." I squirmed around again. "Or pants." I smiled, "Well that solves that mystery then. I'm hanging from the weather vane on the roof, almost naked, except for my underwear, in the rain and I have no idea how I got here."

Satisfied with a mystery well solved I decided to give myself a pat on the back. That's when I felt something sticking out of my neck. I pulled out a small tranquilizer dart. "Hrm, it's the same brand that Rosalie uses. Oh well." I dislodged myself from the vane and stood for a moment, enjoying the view.

"I think I'll stay up here a little while longer before I get down. There's something so nice about watching a storm from up high in the air while leaning against a weather vane. Hrm, nope there is absolutely nothing that could go wrong with this plan."

RPOV

April 3, 2009

"You see, Bella," I was saying, "You just have to line up your target with the crosshairs in the eye scope and then you can fire." I was showing her how to use my tranquilizer gun, in case I wasn't around and Emmett was bothering her. I had my hands on her shoulders and was steadying her shot for her. This was her first time with such a large gun there was bound to be a rebound. We had opened the living room window just in case it turned something happened and there was a dart still inside. If there was a dart then Bella would shoot a harmless shot into the empty forest, no harm, no foul.

Outside thunder boomed and lightning crackled noisily over the constant sound of pouring rain. Just another night in Forks. I thought I heard someone screaming but it was probably just my imagination or someone on the DVD.

Bella was concentrating on the gun she had balanced on her shoulder. She adjusted the eyepiece a little and took a deep breath, steadying herself. "Alright, so I just squeeze the trigger and-" a pop rang out as the gun shot a dart out the window.

"OW!" Someone yelled as a flash of white rushed past the window.

Bella screamed a blood curdling scream, "I didn't mean to do it! I didn't want to kill anyone! I thought the gun was unloaded!"

She almost started to hyperventilate when Edward reminded her that it was only a tranquilizer dart. "The effects will wear off in an hour or so, whatever you hit will be just fine."

Meanwhile I walked over to the window and peeked outside. Unfortunately I recognized the mass of white that lay in a crumpled heap on the ground. "Yeah, that was my bad having you shoot the gun when it still had tranquilizer darts inside of it." I turned around and looked at Alice, "On another note, I have good news. I found Jasper." I smiled weakly.


	6. Jasper vs Bella

**Ha! We made it in time! Wow, we've got another little streak going, just don't expect us to keep it up. The only reason we got this chapter up is because I wrote pretty much the entire thing at the library tonight. I volunteer there with my co-author and best friend but we had only one person stop by because it's been pouring and electricity kept going out so kids didn't stop by. Which left us plenty of time to write. So here's the next prank-a-licious chapter! Please enjoy~**

**My co-author says "It's raining outside and I don't want to go home."**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer**

Chapter 6: Jasper vs. Bella

JPOV

April 4, 2009

When I finally woke up again I found my head resting in Alice's lap. She was stroking my hair lovingly. "My poor little Jasper. You've gone off your rocker again and that means its time to lock you up again."

I frowned; this happy little moment was quickly turning sour. "But I hate being locked up!"

"Don't worry, Jazz, it's only for today. Bella goes home on Saturdays so that she can at least pretend she lives with Charlie. So nothing interesting will be happening here and you can relax."

I pouted, I hated being locked up in a room all day. When you're a vampire and you have nothing but free time, sitting in one spot all day is very undesirable. "But Alice, if Bella is leaving then there will be nothing that will provoke me!"

"Sorry, Jazz," Alice said, hopping up quickly so that my head crashed against the floor with a painful _thunk_. "Bella is trying to sneak out without taking any of the adorable outfits I bought her." And with that she was gone.

"Darn that Bella, getting me locked in my room. Again! At least I'm wearing pants this time. Man that was a bad weekend . . . so many people kept coming in here wanting to ask me a question. The same question actually, now that I think about it. 'Jasper, where are your pants?' But this time Bella is going to pay!"

I spotted the laptop in the corner of the room sitting on top of our little desk and an evil smile spread over my lips. This was going to be fun.

BPOV

April 3, 2009

"Goodbye, Edward," I said, reaching up on my tiptoes to kiss him one last time. It was Friday night and Edward had just deposited me back into the driveway at Charlie's house. We were pretending that I didn't spend all my time with Edward and the Cullens. I had called Charlie earlier and told him that I was staying out with friends and then getting pizza. This wasn't really a lie, I was good friends with the Cullen family and they did get me pizza for dinner.

"Goodbye, Bella love," Edward said, kissing me back and then disappearing into the night.

I walked up the driveway and into the house and, as expected, I found Charlie sitting in the living room watching something on TV.

"Bells? How was your day?"

"Good, oh and sorry about not coming home the last couple of nights. Alice and Emmett refused to let me leave. Emmett was using me for a prank and Alice can never resist a chance to play dress up with me as her human Barbie doll."

"Don't worry," Charlie said, "Alice and Esme called and explained everything to me. They're such nice people, aren't they?"

"Yes, I really like them."

"Unlike that darn Edmund."

I rolled my eyes, Charlie always made a point to mispronounce Edward's name. "Well I'm going to head upstairs. I'll be staying home tomorrow, working on homework and stuff like that. Alice might come over, though, with some new outfit so if she shows up here don't be surprised."

"Good night, Bells."

"Oh, and Dad? It's Ed_ward_."

April 4, 2009

Things were going smoothly the next morning. I slept in a little, Charlie went to work, I managed to get all my homework, which really wasn't much, done in just an hour or two. We didn't have any reading assigned so I suddenly found myself with a lot of extra time.

I turned on my computer and that's when it all started.

Mike's POV

April 4, 2009

"You've got mail," my computer happily announced as I turned it on in the morning. It was a notification from MyFace. Bella had finally made an account and asked to be my friend! Perfect, now she was one step closer to being mine.

I quickly logged in to my MyFace and accepted her request. Her full profile popped up and I noticed something interesting was written on her wall. It was from that jerk, Edward Cullen. I scrolled down to read what he said.

Jessica's POV

April 4, 2009

"Edward Cullen wants to be friends with me on MyFace?! Of course I agree!" I hit the 'accept' button more times than was necessary and, after admiring his wonderful profile picture, scrolled through the things on his profile. Wait, what was that he wrote on Bella's wall?

Jacob's POV

April 4, 2009

"Cool, Bells finally got a MyFace." I accepted her friend request and smiled to myself. "I can talk to her and there's nothing that stupid bloodsucker can do about it!"

I uploaded a few pictures of us that I had taken back when we used to hang out and then went to send her a message on her profile. Oh look, that stupid bloodsucker has been writing on her wall. Wait a minute . . . what's that say?

Angela's POV

April 4, 2009

"Cool, Bella made a MyFace, oh and Edward did, too. Maybe I should go apply to be his friend. Then again, maybe not. I don't know him that well." I scrolled through Bella's profile, clicked through some of the pictures she had posted and I was about to send her a message and tell her we should hang out again when a few key words caught my eye.

"What's that say? Wait a minute . . . WHOA! SERIOUSLY?!"

Tyler's POV

April 4, 2009

"Bella wants to be my MyFace friend? Great, I guess she must have forgiven me about the car thing." I read through the recent posts on her wall, nothing to interesting, mostly things from the Cullen kids. One of them caught my eye.

It was from her boyfriend, Edward. "Whoa, I guess he's not her boyfriend anymore."

APOV

April 4, 2009

"What," I screamed, jumping up from the computer in the living room. "How could he have kept this from me?!"

I scowled and rushed off to Edward's room to confront him. I pushed the door open so forcefully that it banged against the wall and almost shut in my face again. But when I looked around, Edward wasn't there. I snarled and rushed downstairs into the living room where Esme was cleaning.

"Esme, you'll never guess what Edward did without telling us."

EsPOV

April 4, 2009

"He did WHAT?!"

RPOV

April 4, 2009

"Are you serious? Don't lie to me about this. Okay, we need to find Bella, ASAP."

EmPOV

April 4, 2009

"Well it's about time!"

CPOV

April 4, 2009

"Why didn't he tell me about this? Usually he comes to me before he does something drastic. I mean I'm happy for him but there's so much I would have told him beforehand."

Mike's POV

April 4, 2009

I couldn't help it, I started to cry.

Jessica's POV

April 4, 2009

"Oh no! Why couldn't he have found me, first! I'm going to kill her!"

Tyler's POV

April 4, 2009

"Well good for Bella."

Angela's POV

April 4, 2009

I just had to call Bella and congratulate her. I mean, that's what people did in these kinds of situations, right? And surely she must be just overflowing with emotion.

"Hello?" I heard Bella answer the phone, she sounded a little out of breath. Did she run for the phone or is she just emotional?

"Congratulations, Bella! I just heard the news. You and Edward are going to be so happy together."

"What are you talking about, Angela? Do you know what's going on here? I just got an email from Mike saying that he hates me now and is planning to hunt down Edward."

"Oh, Mike must be upset because he thinks you were in love with him but couldn't get away from Edward long enough to tell you. But forget about him. I'm so happy for you and Edward."

"Why?"

"Why?! Well isn't it obvious? You're clearly in love with him and even though I think it's a little early, I wish you guys the best of luck with the wedding."

"Wait a minute. Did you say," I heard Bella gulp and her voice went up a few octaves. "Did you say WEDDING?!"

EsPOV

April 4, 2009

"My little Edward is getting married and he didn't tell his own mother?!" I flopped down on the couch I had been spraying with air freshener. If I could cry I would have. "Why didn't he tell me? Oh but I guess that's why he dropped Bella off at home yesterday, he wanted to get Charlie's blessing!"

RPOV

April 4, 2009

I had the car running in record time and was calling up all my favorite party places, making major Bachelorette Party reservations. "Why didn't Bella tell us? We need more time to get her gifts!"

EmPOV

April 4, 2009

"Eddie finally popped the question, did he? Well you know what that means!"

"Emmett you are not taking Edward to a strip club."

"Drat. Then can I go?"

Rosalie's voice rang clear through the air even though she wasn't even in the house. "Don't even think about it."

"I'll take that as a 'maybe' then," I said.

CPOV

April 4, 2009

"I'm just curious about one thing, Alice. How did Edward manage to keep this from you for so long? Surely you would have noticed if he had decided to do something this momentous."

"That's what I plan to find out. Where is he, anyway?"

"I think he went hunting," I said.

"Drat. I'll just have to go pump Bella for information, then."

BPOV

April 4, 2009

I suddenly found myself being very, _very_ busy. The calls were flying in from everyone at school, even people I rarely talked to. The home phone was ringing off the hook, so was call waiting and my cell phone. And that doesn't include the emails that people were sending, mostly they were from guys who were very, very angry with me for either "abandoning them" or "choosing that stuck up Cullen boy" instead of them. And then someone was knocking at my door. So I rushed downstairs with a phone pressed against each ear and flung open the door revealing a very angry-looking Jacob standing on my front steps.

"Jacob!"

"Who's Jacob? Are you having an affair?" Both of the girls I had on the phone asked at the same time. Call waiting beeped again. I switched off and only half-listened to someone else giving me their heartfelt congratulations.

"So that's it, huh? You're going to marry him, now?" Jacob demanded angrily, still standing on my front steps. I heard the distinct creak of the back door opening and heard the sound of my bedroom window being forced open a little too roughly.

Call waiting beeped on both the home phone and my cell. "Hello?" I said at the same time as a girl's voice came over my cell and Charlie's voice came over the home phone.

"Bella," Rosalie's voice called from the kitchen.

"Bella Marie Swan," Alice screamed from my bedroom.

"That's not my middle name!"

"Oh so _they_ are here, too? Unbelievable!"

"Bella," Charlie was yelling, "What's all this I hear about you getting married to that Cullen boy!"

"Dad I-"

"Bella we need to hurry if we want to get you a new outfit before your party," Rosalie said.

"Bella how could you have kept this from me for so long? I expected you to call me immediately and tell me what happened," Alice yelled, charging down the stairs.

"Bella, how can you marry that bl-" Jacob started to say.

"Don't finish that sentence," I begged.

"You have ten new email messages," my computer happily informed me, its voice carrying strangely well.

Call waiting continued to beep as I found myself caught in the middle of a screaming fight between Alice, Rosalie and Jacob and with Charlie yelling angrily into my ear.

"EVERYBODY BE QUIET!"

Of course that didn't work. And within moments Emmett's and Esme's cars were parked outside my house.

Esme was holding a very old-looking box that was no doubt filled with little trinkets she wanted to give me. "Bella, I'm so happy for you. Do you already have a dress picked out? Of course you don't."

"Bella," Emmett boomed, "You have to let me do the ceremony! It'll be great! I have the best joke, wait to you hear it!"

I scowled and slammed the door in Jacob's, Emmett's and Esme's faces. I hung up on whichever girl had called to congratulate me and went upstairs to lock myself in the bathroom and get away from Alice and Rosalie.

I leaned back against the door and started with Charlie, who was still yelling at me, even through all of this.

JPOV

April 4, 2009

This was great! I could feel everyone's extreme anger from all the way in my room. I was having the time of my life. I rolled around on the floor, laughing hysterically.

CPOV

April 4, 2009

I would have liked to know what was going on but I was busy at work so this would just have to wait. Besides, if I went to go see Bella and Edward later I could avoid the early rush of people.

BPOV

April 4, 2009

Several hours later . . .

Finally everything had been settled and everyone had gone home and stopped calling. Now there was only one thing on my mind: revenge.

That Cullen guy was gonna pay.


	7. Bella vs Carlisle

**Hi~ Okay, We've got another great chapter up for you all! Honestly, I'm having a lot of fun writing this stories, and this chapter is no exception. I just love wreaking havok in their poor lives. Especially Edward (as you'll see in this chapter). I especially enjoyed writing the part with Esme and the toy store. ;D Oh and since I forgot to mention it last time, "MyFace" is our version of myspace or facebook, but we weren't sure if we could use either of those names so we made our own. Thanks to everyone who enjoys our story and takes the time to read/review! **

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, all candies are (c) their respective companies.**

Chapter 7: Bella vs. Carlisle

BPOV

April 4, 2009

I was pacing around my room, grumbling angrily and trying to think up revenge. I knew who was behind this, and I was pissed. This stupid little prank had wasted my entire Saturday. I knew Edward was going hunting today but I had hoped that I could have at least tried to have fun. Watch a movie, go shopping, research new recipes for dinner, _something_, _anything_! But no, he had to pull this stupid little stunt. Very subtle of him, too. I was still fuming when I decided to get an early shower. I was exhausted and decided that a shower might help, especially before Charlie came home and Edward stopped by.

And it was there under the soft, warm water of the showerhead that I got the perfect idea for revenge. I laughed a little to myself, delighted with my brilliance. I laughed a little more and before I knew it I found myself cackling evilly.

EPOV

April 4, 2009

Well this sure is a lovely greeting. I come home from hunting and stop by Bella's house hoping to catch a little alone time with my precious love and what kind of reception do I get? An evil cackle coming from the bathroom. I instantly knew that something had happened, I had a feeling that someone in my family had pulled another stupid prank. The only question was who did it?

APOV

April 4, 2009

Oh good, Bella's cackling evilly. That's comforting; the clumsiest, least sneaky person in the world is plotting against us.

BPOV

April 4, 2009

Once I had settled on my revenge idea I just needed to figure out how to put my plan into action. I got dressed and ready quickly and then ran back into my room. I didn't hear the TV on downstairs so Charlie must have still been at work. I started pacing around my room, trying to think up a plan. I was so absorbed in my plans that I didn't notice Edward, who was sprawled out on my bed and watching me with a curious stare.

"Bella, what are you doing?" He finally asked.

I noticed him, screamed, and jumped at least a mile into the air. I stumbled backwards and crashed into my dresser where my lamp toppled over and almost crashed into my head. Luckily my vampire boyfriend had fast reflexes and Edward was able to catch the lamp before it hit me.

"Edward you're a genius," I said, jumping up and throwing my arms around his neck.

Edward examined the lamp in his hands, "Perhaps it did hit you and I just didn't notice."

"No, Edward, you just solved my problem! I know how I can enact my revenge!" I cackled evilly again, just a little laugh.

Edward stared at me, one eyebrow raised. "Mind if I ask why you're planning revenge?"

"You don't know? Oh, well _someone_ in your family has apparently made a MyFace for you and one for me. And then they had the fake you propose to fake me and I accepted. All day long I've had girls calling to congratulate me, guys emailing me about how much they hate me because I didn't choose them, Charlie calling to yell at me, Rosalie and Alice showing up to help me with the wedding, and it's just been crazy for me all day!"

Edward scooped me up into his arms and carried me over to the bed. "I'm so sorry, love. It must have been a tough day for you."

"But tomorrow will be better," I said. "Do you want to go shopping with me? There are some things I need from the store and I think that you might come in handy while I shop." I grinned up at him.

Edward seemed reluctant but he agreed.

APOV

April 4, 2009

I laughed when I saw Bella's plan in my mind. "Oh man, Edward's got such a great girl, even if she is a human. She's a sneaky little one."

EPOV

April 5, 2009

The next morning Bella met me outside of her house. She had told Charlie she was going shopping with friends and would be away for most of the day. She rushed out the front door and nearly dove into my car.

"Drive!" She yelled.

I did as she said, more for the thrill factor she was sure to experience than for any other reason. "The cops are hot on our tails," I joked, "Did you get the money?"

She laughed and held up her bag. "Sorry it doesn't have a big green dollar sign on it." Bella continued to direct me through downtown Forks, telling me to turn at the last possible second and constantly making reckless decisions. I was fine with it but I wondered what had gotten into her. Perhaps this prank war was starting to get to her head. "Pull in there! The grocery store!"

I swerved again and settled us into a parking space. Bella hopped out of the car and grabbed a cart. She looked down at herself, then at the cart, then at me, and continued to do this several more times, her eyes darting in a triangle.

"I can't decide who should ride in the cart," She finally admitted.

"I think-"

"Get in the cart, Eddie."

"Please don't call me Eddie."

"Please get in the cart."

I wanted to argue with her but something told me it would be simpler just to get in the stupid cart. I sighed and climbed in. Bella began pushing me with a small grunt; I doubt pushing vampires in shopping carts was part of her daily exercise program. But she continued to push me without a word.

We got inside the store and she immediately rushed over to the candy section. She started throwing boxes of Fruit by the Foot candies, hard candy sticks, bottles of sour candy spray and candy drinks and was in the middle of debating between mini marshmallows or the regular sized ones when I thought to ask what she was doing.

"It's not important!"

"Bella, why are you suddenly buying so much candy? Is there some new human holiday that promotes this? Last time I checked Halloween was the main candy holiday and that's not for months."

"It's a surprise. I can't have you spoiling the surprise." She threw a few bags of regular sized marshmallows into the cart.

"Oh, are you making a piñata?" Emmett suddenly appeared next to Bella. I wasn't startled but Bella was. She screamed and stumbled back against my cart, which sent me flying down the aisle and towards the back of the store.

"Wee," I said, rather unenthusiastically, as I threw my arms into the air. Bella just stared dumbfounded after me.

"Edward!" She finally yelled.

"Yes?" I replied.

Apparently she wasn't expecting a reply. She continued to stare after me, now even more confused. Finally I hit the back of the store, but instead of hitting a wall or shelves of products, I crashed right through the doors that led to the warehouse. By this point Bella had regained her senses and she had managed to pull me to a stop with Emmett's help. But not before we all spotted Esme glaring at a store employee.

"Where is it? You said it would be here by now," She was shrieking.

"Please calm down, Mrs. Cullen; the shipment will be arriving momentarily. They're just outside but they're still unloading the truck."

"I don't care, just give it to me!"

The employee went running for the back door and returned a few seconds later along with several other men, each of whom were holding large cardboard boxes. They quickly opened them and Esme grabbed at the products inside. Having finally retrieved what she came for she began to dump armfuls of air fresheners into a nearby cart. When the entire bottom of the cart was buried under two or three layers of bottles, Esme turned and headed back towards the main store.

She froze when she saw Emmett and me. "Oh . . . hello, boys. How much of that did you see?"

"All of it," Bella piped up, peeking out from behind Emmett, who was standing at the front of the cart.

"Hello, Bella. I'm terribly sorry you had to see all that."

"Esme," I said. "You need to admit you have an addiction. This is not healthy."

"Nonsense, Edward, I just like having a home that smells pretty." She lowered her voice to a vampire level, "This is one of the only things that I can remember about being human, having bowls of potpourri around to keep the house smelling nice. Don't you dare take this away from me!" And with that she marched away towards the cash registers.

We stared after her for a moment and then followed. Esme was gone by the time we got up to the register but Emmett wasn't.

"Whatcha doing, Bella?"

"Shopping."

"What's all that candy for? Are you sure you're not making a piñata?"

"Yes I'm sure and no I'm not telling you what it's for!"

I just sat in the cart and put all the bags of candy up onto the counter. The poor girl working the register seemed baffled by my presence in the cart and by tiny little Bella arguing fiercely with Emmett, who looked like a bear next to my girlfriend.

While Bella wasn't watching I paid the girl and she handed me a receipt.

"Have a good day," the girl said quietly, not wanting to interrupt anything.

"You too," I said, gripping the counter and using it to propel myself forward and out of the store. Luckily Bella and Emmett followed, still arguing.

I climbed out of the cart and had loaded the bags into the trunk before Bella even realized we were outside.

"I'm not telling you anything, Emmett, and that's final. Let's go Edward." Bella turned and tried to storm away but she wasn't expecting to be in the parking lot and ended up tripping over the cement speed bump at the head of the parking spaces.

I caught her with a little sigh and put her into the car. I gunned the engine and was gone before Emmett could start laughing. "Where to now?"

"Turn here!" More screeching tires, Bella would really have to get better at giving directions. That or I was going to need new tires.

We stopped in front of a toy store. "Bella, why are we here?"

"I need more supplies." Bella hopped out of the car and found a shopping cart that was shaped like a train. "Edward, get in the cart, please."

I took one look at the little train cart and I knew nothing good would come of me trying to squeeze into that little thing. "Bella love, I don't think I'm going to fit."

"Just get in!"

"But Bella-"

"Get. In."

I sighed and reluctantly climbed in. When I finally managed to fit inside I was folded more than an origami crane. But Bella was completely oblivious. She wheeled me inside and went searching for toys. On the way she passed by a display of hats. I prayed that she wouldn't notice.

She did.

"Aw, look, Edward! Aren't these just adorable hats? Oh look, they even have a conductor's hat!" Without waiting for a response she plucked it off the display and plopped it on my head. "Adorable," she proclaimed.

No matter how many times I protested or how much I complained Bella refused to let me out of the cart of take off my hat. I even tried the old human stand-by of throwing the hat on the floor, but she always picked it up again. I would have tried to get out of the cart but I couldn't move. Unfortunately I was powerless to stop her; my usual charms hadn't worked all day. She was a girl with a purpose and nothing would stop her.

And things didn't get any better from there. We ran into Alice, who had conveniently decided to go toy shopping at exactly that moment, who took about a thousand different pictures of me in the train cart. For the family scrapbook, she assured me. After that we went to the candy store and Bella rushed around filling bags with colorful candies. And then came the worst part of the day.

"Edward, I need to get hurt," Bella announced. I just stared at her, dumbfounded. "Come on, Edward, it just needs to be bad enough for me to go to the hospital. I need to make it look bad; it doesn't even have to be real."

BPOV

April 5, 2009

About an hour later through a series of somewhat graphic events, we ended up at Carlisle's office. I did my best to look pathetic and pale, neither of which was very hard. The woman at the receptionist's desk directed us to one of Carlisle's patient rooms and told us that he would be with us as soon as he could but that he was very busy, which was something I was counting on. Edward had a backpack filled with all our supplies and while I worked on the things in my room Edward ran around and swapped things in the other rooms.

CPOV

April 5, 2009

It was rush-hour at the hospital. The time of day when everyone started to pour in and the nurses all started to take their breaks. I don't know why this always happened, but it did. I heard Bella was waiting for me but I was afraid she would have to wait, the nurse said it wasn't urgent and I figured that Edward would be with her and found come find me if anything bad happened. I was just going to get some more supplies when a nurse came running up to me.

"Dr. Carlisle, come quickly, something very strange is happening!"

I quickly followed her, making sure to maintain a human pace. "What's wrong?"

"Look!" The nurse flung open the supply cabinet and at first I didn't see anything wrong. Then I started to notice it. Instead bottles of antiseptic sprays or liquid medications there were other colorful liquids. When I opened the bottles they smelled like candy, the nurse sampled them and confirmed my diagnosis. I checked inside the pill bottles and there was only candy. Jelly beans, chocolate chips, sprinkles and Skittles filled the bottles. I grabbed a package of gauze and found that it had been replaced by Fruit by the Foot candy.

I rushed into the nearest patient room, which happened to be Bella's room and found nothing but a typed note.

"Gotcha!"

I growled and checked the supplies that were in the room. All my cotton balls had been replaced by marshmallows and all my tools were plastic children's replicas. I was furious, and I knew exactly who would do this. She was going to pay.

Random Patient's POV

April 5, 2009

I wasn't feeling well that day. I think I had a fever, everything seemed unreal and I could have sworn I was imagining things.

"Alright, sir," a nurse was saying, "We're going to give you a quick vaccine, which should help. If you're still not feeling well in a few days I want you to come back and see us again. And if you feel really nauseous or your symptoms get worse in the next 24 hours I want you to come see us immediately."

I nodded absently. I saw the nurse pull out a cotton ball and pick up a bottle of what I assumed was rubbing alcohol. She dampened the cotton ball and then, to my great surprise and horror, she ate it!

_This must be a worse fever than I thought_.

Nurse's POV

April 5, 2009

I was all prepared to give the patient his vaccine, but when I tried to get a cotton ball I found that it was a marshmallow. And the rubbing alcohol had been replaced by a sour candy spray. I decided to test it out; I put some candy spray on the marshmallow and popped it into my mouth.

It was surprisingly good. "Would you like to try it?" I asked the patient. He stared at me and started to rub his face with his hands.

I shrugged and helped myself to another marshmallow.


	8. Carlisle vs Esme

**Hi everyone! We've got another funny chapter for you today! This one was also fun to write and we hope that you enjoy it. My co-author and I are getting together tomorrow so hopefully either Prank Wars or VOL will update soon :) Thank you to everyone who has reviewed/favved us/subscribed to our stories! We greatly appreciate it.**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer**

Chapter 8: Carlisle vs. Esme

CPOV

April 5, 2009

It didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that someone in my family had decided to pull another stupid little prank. And I had a pretty good idea of who it was, too. She was going to pay, big-time.

BPOV

April 5, 2009

I was satisfied with a prank well-executed. I wanted to spend more time with Edward but it was getting late in the day and I had to get home to make dinner for Charlie. It was a school night after all, and my curfew was a lousy 6 o'clock. So Edward dropped me off at my house, complete with a few outfits that Alice had gotten me.

"You told Charlie you were going shopping with friends, right?" Edward asked as he handed me the bags.

"Oh, that's right. Thanks, Edward," I leaned up to kiss him.

"Don't thank me. Alice is the one who did the shopping."

"Oh," I said. "Perhaps I'll just go bury these in the back of my closet."

"Goodbye, love," Edward whispered, his voice lingering for a moment along with a tingling on my lips. He was right to have left, as usual, because a moment later Charlie opened the door and poked his head out. I went inside and started dinner, just another day in Forks.

EsPOV

April 5, 2009

I was in a world of my own; nothing could bother me when I was cleaning. I had replaced all the old air fresheners and spraying every available surface with one spray or another. I started from the top floor, where the bedrooms and Carlisle's study were, and worked my way through all the rooms, ending up in the living room. And now everything was clean and every floor of the house had a different scent.

I was on cloud nine and couldn't stop smiling. I didn't stop even when Jasper set the kitchen on fire in an attempt to dry his clothes, that Rosalie had ditched into the river behind our house, faster than the dyer, nor did I stop smiling when Emmett tried to prove that he could jump from one end of the roof to the other and ended up crashing into Edward's bedroom. And I was still smiling broadly when I heard a high pitched scream that I assumed belonged to Bella, Edward bellowing and cursing in anger. Once that had settled I heard Edward's distinct growl warning Jasper to get out of Bella's clothes and off of his bed. And then another shriek was heard as Alice asked Jasper what he thought he was doing wearing the clothes that Alice had bought specifically for Bella. The sounds of a fight, complete with breaking furniture, emanated from upstairs. What a wonderful day today was turning out to be. So it was no wonder I was still delighted when Carlisle stormed home from the office.

"Hello, dear," I said dreamily, "Did anything interesting happen at work today?" I smiled widely at him. He stared at me, first with confusion, then realization, then he glared at me with just a hit of hatred, and then he grinned back.

"Oh, this and that. Nothing out of the ordinary," he said.

"That's good," I said, walking into the living room and spraying a few more seat cushions and brushing some dirt off my carpet. I had managed to keep a perfectly white living room even with five vampire children and a husband and I was quite proud of it.

Suddenly Carlisle said, "Oh, I just forgot that I was supposed to file something at the office before I left. I had better go do that." He had shrugged out of his coat when he came in but now he put it back on.

"Oh, alright. Will you be long?"

"No, I should only be a little while." He kissed my cheek and then hurried out the door. I went to the window and waved goodbye as he sped out of the driveway and off into the slowly dimming night.

RPOV

April 5, 2009

I was watching Carlisle from the top of the stairs and I could practically see the light bulb that went off over his head. I figured someone had pranked him and he thought it was Esme. I knew that we were in store for another round of our family prank war but I didn't really care. Sometimes its more fun to sit back and enjoy the ride.

CPOV

April 5, 2009

I was shocked. I would have never expected that Esme would have been the one to swap all my medical supplies with candy. But now that I think about it . . . she did go to the grocery store today, and Bella just adores her so she easily could have gotten her to play the part of the sick girl needing the doctor's attention.

There was something about the way she smiled at me, she knew too much. She knew that something had happened today but she couldn't resist toying with me. That look was pure evil and mischief. I had gotten out of there as soon as I could by telling her I had to go back to the office. But I had no intentions of going to the office. Oh no, no indeed. Instead I was going to the grocery store, the same store she had been at earlier that day. I grinned to myself as I drove along, and then I even laughed a little. This was going to be good.

EsPOV

April 5, 2009

At some point during the afternoon, while I was still wandering around the house enjoying all the different smells Rosalie came up to me.

"Esme? You feeling alright?"

"Of course, Rose. Why do you ask?"

"You look like you're high or something."

"High?"

"You know, on drugs?"

"What," I asked, I had become distracted by the new fragrance that was wafting out of the kitchen, the one I had sprayed to mask the smell of smoke.

"Drugs!" Rosalie shouted, waving her arms in front of my face.

"No thank you, Rose, I don't need any. I have my air freshener and that's plenty for me, thank you very much." And with that I walked away.

RPOV

April 5, 2009

It was that time of the month again, the time when Esme replaced all her air fresheners and then walked around in a daze for hours on end. I swear, if she wasn't a vampire . . .

CPOV

April 5, 2009

I was experiencing one of those wonderful moments that I had heard so much about. One of those moments where everything, especially things that you do that you think are genius, are simply hilarious. I sat in my car, heady with this new feeling, and laughed hysterically, and somewhat evilly to myself. I can only guess what I must have looked like to the people passing by. After all, most people who knew me saw only the quiet doctor side of me. But even vampire doctors liked to let their hair down once in a while.

APOV

April 5, 2009

Oh great, now Carlisle was laughing evilly to himself. What was it with this family and evil laughter? I mean, not that I'm complaining about all the amazing schemes taking place but the laughter was starting to get on my nerves.

CPOV

April 5, 2009

I knew this was a great plan. Everything would be perfect, just as long as I could distract Esme. That was the only snag in my plan. I walked through the store, gathering my supplies into a hand basket, and that's when I saw the answer to my problems. I whipped out my cell phone.

"Hi sweetie," I said when Esme answered the phone. "Listen, one of the people from the grocery store just stopped by the office, he had dropped a glass jar and had to get bandaged up. Anyway, I just saw something that I thought you would like. It's brand new, I think they just got it in today, the people were talking about setting up a display for it."

"Oh, I don't know, it's late and I already went to the store today. Besides, Bella might need dinner and I'm not about to miss out on another human cooking lesson."

"Oh but Esme-" I said, desperate to lure her down to the store again. Suddenly I was interrupted by a store employee.

"No! Please, no! Don't do it! Please don't bring her here, we can't stand it! Please, please don't bring her down here!" The man was begging and pleading with my desperately, holding his hands in front of his face. I felt a little bad about having to do this but all is fair in love and war as they say. And this was definitely war.

"But Esme, they got a new brand and scent of air freshener-"

"WHAT?!" Esme screamed into the phone. "I'll be right there!"

I watched the employee, who had turned and ran out of the store like a monster was chasing him at the words 'air freshener', disappeared into the distance.

I knew I would have to move quickly so once the employee had took off I had gone to pay for my items and had rushed out of the store, no way I would stick around for the show.

EsPOV

April 5, 2009

As soon as Carlisle said the words 'air freshener' I was out of the house faster than a speeding bullet. I was reluctant to take the car but I knew I would look strange if I showed up at the store without a car.

It took _forever_ to get to the store and I was afraid they would be sold out by the time I got there. Finally, though, I arrived. I jumped out of my car and ran into the store at a dead run. I headed straight for my favorite aisle, ignoring the terrified yelps of the employees who knew me. I searched the shelves but didn't find anything that I hadn't bought today or in previous years.

I sought out my favorite employee, who I had visited just that morning. "Where's Andrew," I demanded at the registers.

The girl working there shrank back and said, "I don't know. I think he left early."

I frowned. That was unlike Andrew. "Well then you'll help me!" I practically dragged the girl over the counter and led her to the air freshener and detergent aisle. "My husband told me that there was a new brand of air freshener that had come in. I'd like to buy it. In bulk if that is at all possible."

The girl tried to slink away down the aisle. "I'm sorry, Mrs. Cullen, but there was only one shipment of air fresheners that came in today and you were here then. I remember because I helped you check out."

I took a deep breath, closed my eyes and tried not to take my anger out on this girl. "Go." I said. And sure enough I heard the sound of her feet hitting the tile floor. I would have to ask Carlisle about this. Perhaps he was just mistaken, or perhaps this was a trick.

I rushed home as fast as I could, suddenly worried, and burst in the front door.

"Carlisle," I screamed. And then I saw the living room. "CARLIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIISLE!" I was beyond furious. This would take me weeks to get rid of, and I had just cleaned today, too.

Carlisle had taken it upon himself to cover every surface, including the floor, ceiling, windows, and electronic appliances with chocolate syrup, caramel, whipped cream, cherries and rainbow sprinkles.

Suddenly a great blob rose out of the mess and advanced towards me. It was completely covered in chocolate syrup with a whipped cream triangle hat on top of its head and a cherry on top of the hat. As it came closer I noticed the big 'E' that was written with sprinkles over its chest. In its hands was a bottle of whipped cream. I was frozen in my spot and couldn't move, not even when it began to paint a whipped cream bikini onto me.

Finally I found my voice. "Emmett Cullen, what on earth do you think you're doing?!"

Emmett opened his eyes and instantly looked embarrassed. "Sorry Esme, I thought you were Rosalie."

"Why would you be doing this for Rosalie?"

"Well I saw all this when I came downstairs and I thought it was just the thing to cheer her up, I mean, she's still pretty bummed about loosing all her clothes." Emmett paused for a moment and then seemed to remember something. "Oh! Do you like my back?" He spun around to show me where someone had written 'Hot Stuff' in caramel. "Carlisle did it for me!"

"Emmett, you do realize that Rosalie would hate this because she's a vampire and she _can't eat food_?"

Emmett's face fell. "Oh," he said, defeated. "I didn't think of that."

RPOV

April 5, 2009

I came downstairs when I heard Esme and Emmett talking and was horrified to find the living room covered in chocolate, caramel and other ice cream toppings. "Oh my gosh. What happened?"

"Apparently Carlisle decided to trash my living room."

"Surprise," Emmett yelled. Popping out from seemingly nowhere and spraying a whipped cream bikini onto me, ruining my new shirt and pants. I glanced at Esme and discovered she was wearing one too. Emmett was grinning like the moron he was. "I thought this would cheer you up because you lost all your clothes earlier this week."

"You thought wrong!" I grabbed Emmett's chocolate-covered ear and dragged him outside where I proceeded to hose him down with the high-powered hose we use for washing the house. I managed to get all the chocolate off, and the whipped cream, sprinkles and caramel. But there was one thing that just wouldn't come off.

"Emmett why won't the candy come off your . . . oh." Emmett was wearing a candy colored man-thong. I felt embarrassed for him. I only prayed Esme didn't notice.

EsPOV

April 5, 2009

It's a sad day in life when a mother has to see her son wearing nothing but a man-thong. At that moment I thoroughly wished I had never looked out the window.

JPOV

April 5, 2009

"I think I'll just delete this video," I said, regretting my attempt to capture a memory on the video.

EsPOV

April 5, 2009

"Well, all is not lost yet. I can still get rid of this food smell with the air fresheners I bought today. As long as I have my air fresheners everything will be alright." I went looking for the automatic air fresheners that I had set out on end tables earlier that day, intending to kick start the air freshening process. "Huh, that's funny," I said, "My automatics are gone. Oh well, I still have plenty of spray bottles." I checked under the end tables where I usually kept my open-but-not-empty bottles. But they weren't there. So I checked the closet where I kept all my unopened fresheners. But nothing was there.

I ran upstairs. "Edward have you seen any of my air fresheners?"

"No," he said. "What's wrong? Why do you look so upset?"

I didn't have time to respond, I was already running to find Alice and Jasper. But neither of them had seen any of my air fresheners around either, not even the ones I had bought that morning.

RPOV

April 5, 2009

I came back inside after tying Emmett to a tree and setting up the hose so that he was under a constant barrage of water only to find Esme sitting in a corner with her knees drawn up to her chest.

"Esme? What's wrong?"

"My air fresheners," she mumbled, "They're gone. All of them . . . gone!"

"Oh Esme," I sat down next to her and put my arm around her shoulders. "But you know what we have to do now, right?" Esme shook her head. "Get revenge. We have to prank Carlisle back." She smiled a little at that.

APOV

April 5, 2009

Oh yes, another spectacular prank was coming. And this one was going to be a masterpiece.


	9. Rosalie vs Everyone

**Hi! We're back again, and we had too much fun with this chapter. This one is a bit random, because it's a general revenge that (now that I stop to think about it) has no motive whatsoever. But I still think it's a pretty good chapter. We really enjoyed writing this and we hope you enjoy reading it. Oh and don't ask me what slingback pumps are, I don't know. Thanks to everyone who reads and reviews our stories, we're glad you enjoy it. And no without further ado, I present chapter 9.**

**All characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, we just torture them**

Chapter 9: Rosalie vs. Everyone

RPOV

April 5, 2009

"Alright Esme, now I think the key to this prank is the wait. By waiting you're going to make this so much harder for Carlisle. He's either going to a) think he's won the prank war and then be crushed when you get him back, b) know that you're going to prank him back and be driven insane while waiting for you to strike, or c) believe that he's crushed you and gone to far with this prank and feel horribly guilty!"

Esme nodded, considering this. She still looked pretty out of it and I could tell that she thought Carlisle had gone too far.

Alice was sitting on my bed, trying to think up a way to cheer Esme up. "Hey Esme, I know you're upset with Carlisle, which is why this is a perfect time to take a little girl time. It's not like I'm going to miss anything in school and you could use a little time away from all this. It'll be perfect weather to go hunting. What do you say?"

Esme thought about it for a moment and then nodded solemnly. "It's not like the mess is going anywhere, unfortunately."

"Well Esme, you take a day or two off and go hunting and when you get back the living room will be almost back to normal. It's still going to be a little messy because you'll want to use that to your advantage when you prank Carlisle. But all your air fresheners will be replaced and working," I assured her.

Esme nodded and Alice decided to try and cheer her up a little more. "You know what, Esme? I think that I have some scented candles in my room that you gave me for Christmas. Why don't we go light a few?"

And so Alice and Esme went off in search of some scented candles.

I grinned evilly to myself in this private moment. That took care of just about everyone. Edward and Bella would be at school, Carlisle would be at the office, Alice, who was the only threat, would be out hunting with Esme and Emmett wouldn't dream of disobeying me. Now there was just . . .

"Hey Rosalie! Look what I can do!" Jasper came bouncing into the room and started to twirl around in his latest costume. It was a bright pink mini-dress that seemed to drip with fringe. If I didn't know better I'd have said he had stolen of the back of some poor girl in the 1920s. Then again, maybe she was better off without it. The thing was hideous, especially on Jasper's manly frame.

"Jasper where did you get that?"

"Oh no! I'm not falling for that again. Last time I revealed my secret supplier of pretty clothes you guys got me banned from the store." Jasper crossed his arms over his chest, "There's no way you can fool me again."

Yep, Jasper was the only one who I wouldn't be able to get rid of. He was less likely to go to school without Alice and I couldn't get him out of the house without having him reveal my plan to everyone else. This left me with only one choice.

"Hey Jasper, do you want to play a game?"

He gave me a look. "Rosalie, I _always_ want to play games."

"Right, anyway, I have a special secret game I'd like to play with you. But you have to promise not to tell anyone else, especially not Alice."

Jasper thought about this for a minute before agreeing enthusiastically.

I smiled at him and he smiled back. Oh yes, this was going to be fun.

BPOV

April 6, 2009

Things finally seemed to be returning to some level of normal. I hadn't been attacked at my house over the weekend and Edward was there to pick me up like he always was. I asked him how things were with his family and he said he'd fill me in at lunch.

When I got to lunch and had loaded up my tray with pizza, chocolate pudding and a drink I went and joined Edward at his table. I sat down and looked at the empty spaces. "Um . . . is it just me or are we missing a few people?"

"Well Rose told me to come to school today or else I'd face horrible, horrible punishment," Emmett explained.

"And Alice went on a hunting trip with Esme. And whenever Alice skips school Jasper skips school."

"Okay," I said, taking a bite of pizza. "So why isn't Rosalie here?"

"She's cleaning up the living room."

"What happened, did you guys have a fight and break some furniture or something?" Edward and Emmett exchanged a look. "What? What happened, tell me!"

"Carlisle spread ice cream toppings all over Esme's living room," Edward said.

"And destroyed her air fresheners," Emmett added.

I cringed. I wasn't nearly as obsessive as Esme was about having a clean house, but even that seemed to be going too far. "Poor Esme, I wish there was something I could do to cheer her up.."

"Oh don't worry; she'll be plenty cheered up. Before she left I caught a glimpse of what she was planning to do to Carlisle in return."

"I still think he went too far. You know what, he needs to know this! Edward, when we get out of school today we're going to swing by the hospital and tell him this face-to-face."

"You're going to leave a note with the front desk and then run out of there as fast as you can on the off-chance he's somewhere nearby aren't you?" Edward gave me a knowing look.

I hung my head in shame, "Yes," I mumbled. Emmett started to laugh hysterically, drawing wary glances from the people who were brave enough to sit near us. Even Edward was smiling. "Hey," I said, trying to keep my voice low, "You don't know how scary vampires look when they're angry!"

Emmett kept laughing and soon Edward joined him so I dumped my half-eaten lunch in the garbage can and stormed out of the cafeteria.

JPOV

April 6, 2009

This was such a fun game Rosalie was playing with me. I was having so much fun buying clothes for Alice. Rosalie told me to buy a great assortment so I did. I ran around from store to store and soon enough I had more bags that I could carry, so I did the only logical thing: I stole the little train ride that they had for little kids and started to pile in my bags.

I started to drive around the mall looking for Rosalie. And then I discovered the most amazing thing. The train had a built-in whistle! Soon enough I was tooting at everyone who dared get in my way. Finally I spotted Rosalie coming out of a store that sold mostly black clothing. I waved enthusiastically and started shouting her name.

"Rose! Rose! Rosalie, over here! It's me, Jasper!"

Rosalie saw me, saw the train, and saw the crowd that was staring at me. She promptly turned away and pretended to look for someone else.

"Rosalie? It's me, Jasper! I'm done with my shopping. Did you get everything you wanted?"

"I don't know you," she growled.

"What do you mean you don't know me? It's me, your brother Jasper!"

"Look, you idiot! Ditch the train or I'll ditch you!"

RPOV

April 6, 2009

Honestly, I don't know how Alice puts up with him. He looked beyond stupid riding around in that little kiddy train. His knees were practically up to his chin and he was hunched over under the train roof.

JPOV

April 6, 2009

Rosalie made me get out of the train; I suppose it was for the best. That thing was tiny. Oh well, I guess they just don't make trains like they used to.

EPOV

April 6, 2009

I caught up to Bella shortly after she stormed out of the cafeteria. She told me that she would only forgive me if I took her to Carlisle's hospital after school. I could tell she didn't really want to be mad at me so I agreed.

After school I took her to the hospital and watched as she demanded to paper so that she could leave a note for Dr. Cullen. The nurse looked at her a little strangely.

"You know, he's just down the hall. I could get him if you like."

"No!" Bella nearly shouted at the nurse. "Just get me paper!"

The nurse dug around behind the counter and found some blank paper and a pen. Bella quickly scrawled out a message and then ran like she was being chased by giraffe on roller-skates.

"I'm sorry," I apologized to the nurse. "She's a bit afraid of my father and she didn't want to risk upsetting him."

"Oh," the nurse said blankly.

I leaned over the desk, "She's a bit mentally unstable, too."

"Oh," the nurse said, understanding immediately. "Well I'll be sure to deliver her message after you leave." She smiled kindly and I thanked her.

RPOV

April 6, 2009

Everything was set, all the traps were laid and now all we had to do was wait. I grinned evilly to myself, excited for what was coming up next.

EmPOV

April 6, 2009

When I got home from school I decided to change clothes. Edward had dumped my orange soda all over me at lunch when I wouldn't stop laughing at Bella.

"Stupid Edward," I grumbled, peeling my wet shirt off my smoking hot body. I paused to admire myself in the mirror for a moment before I walked over to my closet.

Whoa! What on earth happened to all my clothes?! What is this?

EPOV

April 6, 2009

Since Bella had decided to skip the second half of lunch she was quite hungry by the time we got back to my house. I decided to try cooking something I had seen on TV the night before. Bella was sitting at the little kitchen island and chatting with me while I tried to cook her eggs.

"Hey Edward," I heard Emmett call. "Wait, you're cooking? What are you making? Stud muffins?" He started to laugh and I rolled my eyes. Then I heard Bella gasp and start to laugh.

I turned around, waving my spatula at Emmett. "Get lo-" I started to say, and then I caught sight of what Emmett was wearing. "Whoa!" I backed against the counter and stumbled into the handle of the frying pan. Bella's eggs went flying and landed in my hair while the frying pan, which was scalding hot I might add, slammed against my back, making a nice burn mark in my shirt.

"What are you wearing?!"

"You like it? It was in my closet." Emmett had pinched the edge of his skirt, showing off how big it was, and then twirled around with absolutely no elegance. He was wearing an orange sundress with yellow sunflowers all over it.

"You look hideous," I said, bluntly. And he did, the fabric was stretched across his broad, muscled chest and the dress seemed to accent every male feature he had.

"I know," Emmett admitted, "I'm not an autumn, I'm a spring. These are clearly autumn colors!"

Bella had both of her hands clamped against her mouth and was trying not to laugh.

"Geez, did Jasper recruit you?" Alice asked, popping into the kitchen, thankfully in normal clothes.

"Hey Alice," I said, wiping the egg out of my hair and pulling a can of tomato soup out of the pantry..

"Emmett, why do you have that dress? You're clearly a spring, not an autumn! That would look so much better on me."

"Want to switch?"

Alice stared at him for a moment, eyed the size of his chest and length of his legs, glanced at herself and then shrugged. "Okay."

"Geez," I heard Bella yell. "Aren't you at least going to go to your rooms or something?"

"Why bother," Alice said. "We're already done."

I didn't even bother turning around.

BPOV

April 6, 2009

I don't know why I still hang out with Edward's family. In a flash Emmett and Alice had swapped clothes. Now Alice was wearing a stretched-out sundress that was two sizes too big for her to begin with and Emmett was wearing tiny little Alice's baby doll t-shirt and jeans.

I'm sorry to say that Alice's shirt didn't last very long. About ten seconds after he had put it on, it snapped, the whole thing bursting open and falling to the ground in little pieces. Unfortunately her jeans soon followed the shirt's example.

"AH!" I screamed, covering my face with my hands.

"AAAHHH!" I heard Esme scream.

"Esme, don't come down here! Emmett has no clothes on." I sighed; I had hoped I would never have to say that.

"Look at this!" Esme said, running into the kitchen.

I peeked through my fingers and gasped again.

EPOV

April 6, 2009

I turned around when Esme entered the room. "Whoa! Esme what are you wearing?!" I was so startled that I backed up into the counter, again. And I hit the handle of the pot, again. You know, you would think that eventually I would learn to turn the handle in a different direction, but no, I hadn't learned. So I ended up with tomato soup dripping off my shirt and hair. Oh and a second burn mark on my shirt.

I was helpless to do anything but stare blankly at Esme. She was wearing head-to-toe black leather. She had on tight black pants, knee-high boots, and a tight low-v vest and jacket.

"Someone replaced all my clothes with these . . . these . . . _things_!"

"Oh Esme," Bella cried, rushing to her side and enfolding her in her arms.

I wrung my shirt out over the sink and then snuck past everyone and went upstairs.

BPOV

April 6, 2009

While I was hugging Esme and trying to calm her down Edward snuck past us, smelling distinctly of tomatoes for some reason. I sat Esme down at the island and tried to console her.

And then something strange happened . . . again.

"Oh come on, Edward," Jasper yelled from upstairs.

"No!" Edward yelled.

Then we heard a lot of thumping and Jasper appeared pulling Edward by the arm. Jasper was dressed but Edward was wearing only a towel. Jasper had a few outfits in his arms. "Guys, doesn't Edward look so much better in this gold dress than this purple skirt?"

Esme and I just stared at him. But Emmett piped up. "Yeah, the dress totally matches his eyes. But those shoes totally clash." Emmett disappeared upstairs and then reappeared with a pair of gold sling back pumps. "Now you'll look so adorable in these shoes." I didn't even have time to ask if they had lost their minds because in the next nanosecond Edward had lost the towel and was instead wearing a gold strapless mini dress and pumps.

Edward looked himself up and down and then said, "You're right. But I think that you would look super cute in this purple mini skirt and vest combo."

"Edward, you idiot!" Jasper said, slapping Edward across the back of his head. "Emmett needs to wear this cropped belly shirt."

"Jasper you're a genius."

"What happened to my boyfriend," I asked as Emmett quickly changed into the mini skirt and belly shirt.

And then Carlisle walked in and saw Jasper smoothing down the fabric on the back of Edward's dress, pausing to try and rub away the lines from Edward's boxers. Meanwhile Emmett was running his hands down the front of Edward's dress and stopping every so often to adjust his mini skirt.

Carlisle stared at them. "Who are you and what have you done with my sons?"

The "guys" giggled girlishly and then Rosalie came into the kitchen. "Hey." She paused, "Uh . . . where did the guys go and who are these overly muscled girls standing in our kitchen?"

They giggled again and Rosalie came to stand next to me and Esme. "Any idea what's going on?"

"Nope."

"Oh," Jasper squealed. "I wonder if there are any cute clothes in my closet." He then ran off to find out. A moment later a giant raccoon came tumbling down the stairs. "This was all that was in there," he said in a muffled voice. "How does it look? Trendy?"

We stared at him. There was nothing trendy about his costume. It was big and clunky and looked like a low-budget mascot costume for a football team, complete with a giant, heavy-looking head.

"I'm going to go change," Rosalie announced. "I need to make sure my closet is still intact."

A moment later we heard Rosalie's scream echo down the stairs. Then she appeared, wearing nothing but a light pink towel. In one hand she held a pair of bright red, floppy clown shoes and oversized patched up clown pants. In her other hand, she held her tranquilizer gun.

"Who. Did. This?" She growled. We all scooted a little father away.

RPOV

April 6, 2009

This wasn't supposed to be part of the plan! Who gave me clown clothes?!

BPOV

April 6, 2009

We all stared at Rosalie, not sure what to say.

Then Jasper started dancing around Rosalie. "Don't worry," he said. "Everything will be al-"

_BANG_.

There was now a grey and black lump on the floor. We rolled him over and discovered a large, dart-sized hole in the costume. We stared at Jasper, then at Rosalie, then at Rosalie's gun. Everyone was silent.

"Well I'm going to see what the strange little fashion fairies have left me in my closet," Carlisle said, walking calmly up the stairs.

A moment later we heard him storm back down the stairs. We all gasped, I covered my eyes again. Carlisle was wearing skin-tight leopard print pants, a black tank top and a mesh t-shirt. I didn't even think they made mesh t-shirts anymore.

"Oh man," I said. "If someone did all this to you guys, I'm terrified to see what they did to me."

We all exchanged looks and then we said, "Let's go." And suddenly everyone was piled into one car or another and we were off to Charlie's house.

Charlie wasn't home yet and I was thankful. I let everyone inside and asked them to wait in the living room. Alice had dragged Jasper's unconscious body along with her and propped him up on the couch.

I looked into my closet and screamed at the top of my lungs.

This couldn't be happening. Why? Why was this happening?!

APOV

April 6, 2009

I was truly baffled by everyone's bizarre outfits. But I couldn't figure out why no one had switched my clothes. I guess they were trying to frame me. But it didn't matter. I would easily see anyone who tried to prank me.

We heard Bella scream and a minute or two later she came unsteadily down the stairs. I gasped. Bella was wearing hip-hugging low-rise designer jeans, a green designer jacket, a Prada bag, Gucci sunglasses, and the most beautiful and expensive imported Italian shoes I had ever seen.

"You look _amazing_."

"I feel stupid. There are too many designer labels, I feel like any second I'm going to ruin this. It's way too expensive." She came and stood at the edge of our little group and crossed her arms over her chest. "I just hope no one ever sees me in this."

Lucky for us Charlie entered then!

"Bells? I'm home," Charlie said as he came into the living room. The first thing he noticed was Bella. "Whoa. Bells, that you? Wow, did Alice take you on a designer shopping spree or something?" And then he noticed Edward and Emmett. "Are . . . are you boys wearing skirts?"

"Yes, Officer Swan, and don't we look fabu?" Emmett asked. He ran his hand down Edward's chest. "I think he looks perfect in this color, don't you agree?"

Charlie just stared at them. And then he noticed Esme, "Oh, Mrs. Cullen, I had no idea you were into . . . leather. From what Bella told me you seemed like a totally different person. And, uh, hello Dr. Cullen. My those are some tight pants you have on." Charlie turned his attention to the giant raccoon passed out on his couch. "Who's this?"

"That's Jasper," I said.

"Oh . . ." Charlie's gaze then turned to Rosalie, who was still holding her clown pants and floppy shoes. "You're Rosalie, correct? May I ask why you're holding clown shoes?"

"Someone put them in my closet. They replaced all my clothes with clown costumes." Rosalie was trying hard not to explode or shoot someone.

Then Charlie's gaze landed on me. "Alice? Why are you the only one still in normal clothes? Not that I'm complaining, I'm just curious."

"Honestly, I have no idea."

Charlie nodded, taking this all in. "Well," he said. His shoulders drooped, "well," he mumbled. "Well," he said with great finality before marching off to his room.

We all looked at each other. "Well, I think we should go home," I said. "But Edward and Bella, you should go show off your looks downtown. And here, Edward, borrow this wig." I threw a long, wavy-haired wig that was exactly his hair color at Edward. He caught a glimpse of what I saw and smiled, gladly donning the hairpiece.

BPOV

April 6, 2009

We hopped into my ancient truck and headed downtown. Edward was checking his "make-up" in the rearview mirror the entire way. Maybe it was a good thing we were getting out of the house . . . and away from Jasper.

When we got downtown I had to drag Edward out of the car but once he was outside he was willing to walk around with me. I still kept a little distance between us, but apparently no one recognized him. I started to smile a little bit, a few guys even tried to flirt with Edward, which I found infinitely hilarious . . . until he pretended to flirt back. At which point I dragged him off as fast as I could.

I was just heading back to my car, pulling Edward along behind me when I heard a familiar voice calling my name.

"Bella? Hey, Bella! Over here!"

I turned. "Hey Mike," I said, trying to repress a grimace. Edward still had his back turned and was, probably, admiring himself in the reflection of a store window.

"Well I didn't think I'd run into you downtown. You going shopping or something?" And then he caught sight of Edward. "Whoa, who's the hot redhead? She a friend of yours? Mind introducing me?"

Edward turned around. "Hey Mike." He said with a perfectly straight face. "Bella love, I found a quarter on the ground, would you like it?" He dropped the silver coin into my hand.

Mike had gone pale as soon as Edward started talking, then he went green, and then he was even paler. "What . . . why . . . those clothes!" He sputtered for a moment and then seemed to get his act together. "Cullen, why on earth are you wearing that dress?"

"I lost a bet."

"Geez, Cullen-"

"To be fair, I was drunk when I lost the bet."

Mike just stared at Edward.

I grabbed Edward's arm and said, "Yeah, he's still a bit hung over so I had better get him home. Come on Edward, we'll go back to my house again, just like last night." And with that I led him back to my car, dutifully ignoring all the questions Mike fired at us.

EPOV

April 6, 2009

What I heard in Mike's thoughts as we walked away made this the best day ever.


	10. Esme vs Carlisle

**Hi! Wow, ten chapters already, it's hard to believe that we're almost done with this story. We only have four more chapters after this. And then I'd like to say we'll be able to focus solely on VOL but (as usual) that's not true. BUT we won't post the next story until it is totally finished . . . or at least not until VOL is finished.**

**ANYWHO! We've started school again and it seems to have tripled in work load so we won't be updating as much as we'd like. Luckily, fate and the Greek Gods have smiled upon us and given us gym class together. Which means optimal time for planning stupid schemes. Which is actually how the last part of this chapter was written. But I won't keep you up here much longer with my stupid incesent ramblings. Please enjoy our latest chapter!**

**I have to say that these guys are (c) Stephenie Meyer but honestly its just like we've made our own characters, they're just so different. . .**

Chapter 10: Esme vs. Carlisle

EsPOV

I was still mad at Carlisle and no amount of sweet talk or compliments would change that. I thought about pretending to be charmed by him but then I decided to take a page from Rosalie's book of revenge. Let him squirm a little and refuse to be charmed by him. I was so excited about this that I couldn't wait for him to get home.

He poked his head in the door around six and cautiously called, "Esme, darling? Are you home?"

"I'm cleaning the living room."

Carlisle hurried in and knelt down next to me on the floor. He held out a bag, "I bought you some new air fresheners. Mountain Breeze in an auto-spray container and wildflower passion fruit in a fabric and air spray, you like those right?"

"I guess they'll help. The room is still a mess, though, and it's so much work to try and clean it."

He grabbed my hand. "Esme, let me clean it. It was my fault that the room got destroyed, I should be the one to clean it up, not you." I pretended to think about his offer. "Please," he begged.

"I suppose. You could always clean the couch." I pointed to the couch which was still covered in chocolate, caramel and whipped cream.

Carlisle jumped up. "Great. What should I use to clean it? Are there any special soaps or sprays I should use?"

"Nope," I said, "just lick it all off."

"Gre-what? Lick it off?"

"Mmm-hmm," I said. "Just use your tongue."

Carlisle stared at me like I had sprouted wings and was flying around the living room. I was trying my absolute hardest to keep a straight face, but it was very difficult. Carlisle was baffled. I hadn't seen him so confused since he came in and found me in head-to-toe leather.

"You can get started now. I'm going out and when I get back that couch ought to be spotless." I turned on my heel and tried not to run out of the house. Once I was out the front door I sprinted to Rosalie's car, where she and Alice were waiting. "Drive, drive, drive!" I yelled. And we sped off, laughing hysterically.

BPOV

Oh this is just perfect. I've lost Edward! I only got distracted for a minute, I only turned my back for ten seconds, but when I turned back around he was gone. I shuddered, just think. Somewhere out in the world was a male vampire in a shiny gold mini-dress and pumps. The world wasn't ready for that.

"I have to go find Edward," I said, and took off, running frantically down the street. But the shoes I was wearing made it nearly impossible to walk, let alone run. "Alice is going to kill me," I mumbled, struggling out of my shoes. I shoved them in my bag and started running around screaming Edward's name.

Finally I found him . . . standing at a street corner . . . with his head in somebody's car window. "Edward! No soliciting! It's illegal!" I rushed over and grabbed Edward's arm, quickly pulling him away from the car. "What's gotten into you?"

"To be fair, this was Jasper and Emmett's idea. In fact, they should be around here somewhere . . ."

I stared at Edward blankly. "You mean there are _three_ idiots running around town? Oh my gosh. We have to go find them!"

"Alright! Let's go!" Edward took off down the street, his skirt flapping in the wind.

"Edward, wait!" I raced after him and caught his arm. "You need to wear something over that dress. Its _way_ too short." I dragged him back to my truck and dug an extra raincoat out of the backseat. "Charlie always makes me keep an extra coat in the backseat." I shook it out, and sighed again. "It would have to be a tan trench coat wouldn't it?"

I gave it to Edward and he put it on. I looked him and smacked my forehead with my palm. The trench coat was longer than the dress and with the heels he was wearing he just looked even more inappropriate.

"What?" He asked. "_What_?"

"Let's just go." I started walking around looking for Emmett and Jasper. You wouldn't think it would be hard to find a huge guy in a sundress or a giant raccoon, yet somehow they had managed to hide themselves and I couldn't find them anywhere. I glanced over my shoulder, "Hey Edward do you see . . . Edward? Edward! No flashing people!"

"I'm sorry, love, but I can't resist Jasper!"

"Try!" Once again I found myself dragging Edward through the streets. All around me people kept whistling and then screaming as they mistook Edward for a pretty redhead. And I had to admit, for a guy, he made a pretty good girl. Frankly, it disturbed me.

"Hey hot stuff, why don't you get your little butt over here," someone yelled. I rolled my eyes and kept walking.

"Edward have you considered changing into-" I turned around; Edward was poking his head into someone's car window again. "Edward, what did I say about soliciting?" I rushed over only to discover that it was Rosalie's car and the Cullen girls were all inside.

They laughed and Rosalie said, "Relax, Bella, we're just having a little fun."

"I'm not," I practically screamed. "We need to find Jasper and Emmett. Have you guys seen them anywhere?"

"We're right here," Emmett boomed. I screamed and whirled around. Emmett was still wearing his purple mini skirt and crop top but Jasper had changed out of his mascot uniform. Instead he was wearing knee-high boots, a red pleated skirt and a white button-down shirt.

"Jasper that's a brilliant idea!" Alice yelled just before Jasper shouted, "I just had a brilliant idea! We need to have a race to see who can get home the fastest. The guys will race and they'll carry their girlfriends on their backs!"

I stared the vampires before me. "You guys are crazy." They started to protest when I said, "It's not an official race unless you're betting. Fifteen bucks says Edward wins."

"No way, Emmett's way faster. Even if he's in heels."

"I think you're underestimating Jasper's ability to run fast while in heels. He _is_ my husband after all."

"Wait, what about Esme? Carlisle isn't here what will she do?"

We turned to look at Esme who was sitting in the backseat with her cell phone pressed to her ear. "Hi, this is Amber from Dr. Cullen's office. I just wanted to let you know that we had a minor rescheduling for your appointment. Could you please come to . . ."

We watched as Esme finished her call and then laughed somewhat hysterically to herself. She looked up at us. "What? Oh, are you worried about the car? Oh don't worry; I'll bring it back home. There are just a few things I have to do first." Esme laughed again and Alice joined in, closely followed by Edward.

"You're not going to tell me what's going on are you?"

"Nope! You'll just have to wait and see," Alice said. "But if we hurry home right now we won't miss the show!"

"Esme, would you do the honors of starting the race," Edward asked.

"Of course, Edward." Esme climbed out of the car and we assembled on the street corner. We each made a few modifications to the guys' outfits.

"Alright, Edward racecar complete!"

"Emmett racecar complete!"

"Jasper you can't wear those shoes! They totally clash." We all turned to stare at Alice, who shrugged. "If he's going to cross-dress he should at least do it properly." Then we all climbed onto the guys' backs and got ready for the race.

"On your marks, get set . . . GO!" By the time I heard Esme scream 'GO' we were off, flying down the streets of Forks.

"How did it come to this," I wondered aloud. "This has to be the most ridiculous thing I've ever done."

"I know, its fun, right?" Edward called. I sighed. And then suddenly everything in front of us disappeared, replaced instead by a wall of grey smoke. The sound of several explosions pounded against my ears.

I buried my face into Edward's back. "What on earth is that?"

"Alice is using smoke bombs," Edward explained.

"Where did she find bombs?!"

I felt Edward shrug beneath me and then suddenly the smoke cleared and we were standing on the Cullen's porch. Alice and Jasper were already there and fighting with Rosalie and Emmett about who came in first. Edward walked past them and into the living room.

Carlisle was on his knees and licking chocolate syrup off the arm of the sofa. Edward plopped me into a chair across the room and I stared at Carlisle. "Carlisle, what are you-"

"Don't ask."

I had to pity Carlisle a little. I knew, from experience, the havoc that food wreaked on a vampire's body. But then I remembered what he had done to Esme just the day before. I no longer pitied him. Edward changed back into normal clothes, a pair of faded jeans and turtleneck sweater and came back downstairs holding a camera.

"Alice said we were going to want this," he said as he sat down next to me. I grinned in anticipation.

CPOV

_Stupid Edward, video taping me while I'm trying to be nice to my wife. I know you can hear my thoughts, I don't care!_ I was getting pretty annoyed. It was one thing having to clean the couch that I had messed up. It was another thing having to clean the couch by licking it. And it was something totally different to have the clean the couch by licking it while my son and his girlfriend video taped me.

"Carlisle," Bella said cautiously. "I just wanted to let you know that the caramel is dripping over the edge of the couch arm."

I sighed. "Thank you, Bella." I climbed over to the arm and started to lick up the stream of caramel that was sliding down the fabric.

Patient's POV

"Are you sure that we're supposed to come here?"

"His assistant said he had to reschedule and had to meet us here. Look, I wrote it down. She said her name was Amber."

We walked up the steps of the front porch and opened the door. "Dr. Cullen?"

"Keep going; keep going, a little to the left. That's it, right there! There," I girl's voice was saying. "Come on, Edward, it's your turn now. Just put your hand there, that's it, right there!"

I peeked around the corner and saw Dr. Cullen's body moving up and down in a steady rhythm. I must have gasped loudly because Dr. Cullen's head popped up, with his tongue sticking out.

"Sorry to intrude, Dr. Cullen," I screamed before running out of there as fast as I could.

CPOV

I don't know what that was about, but I had a feeling it had something to do with the Twister game that Bella and Edward had started in the other room with Alice and Rosalie. That would explain why they thought they were intruding on something. But that still doesn't explain why one of my patients would show up at my house. No one knows where we live . . .

BPOV

"Alice I am not an ottoman! You can't use me to support yourself. Just use your freaky vampire strength," I yelled.

"But Bella, this is so much more fun." Alice laughed happily.

I growled.

CPOV

"Hey Carlisle," Emmett yelled, bursting suddenly into the room. "Esme said you wanted a new bathing suit, so I brought you one!" Emmett held up a can of whipped cream and before I could protest he had drawn a whipped cream bikini on me.

"Darn it, Emmett! How many times do I have to tell you, no putting whipped cream bikinis on people! Especially when they don't want it." Emmett laughed hysterically and ran out of the room.

Patient's POV

I was already on edge, I didn't like going to the doctors, even if it was just Dr. Cullen. I had managed to keep calm while I was at the hospital, I know the rooms there and I'm more comfortable. But having to come here, to this strange house in the woods was almost too much for me. But I had to do it.

"Dr. Cullen," I called cautiously as I opened the door and stepped inside. I looked to the left, into what appeared to be a living room. "Dr. Cullen!" I was shocked.

Dr. Cullen's head shot up as I screamed and his arms shot up to cover what was on his body. He whirled around; trying to hide himself from me, but it was too late.

"No, this isn't what it looks like!"

"Dr. Cullen I don't care what you and your wife like to do but _please_ keep it to the bedroom! Don't schedule an appointment with a patient and then cover yourself in whipped cream! It's unprofessional!"

And with that I stormed out of the house, my cheeks blazing and my heart racing. Although, had I not been a happily married woman I would have thought twice about leaving.

BPOV

This was getting ridiculous. I don't know why I suggested we play Twister in the first place. But the only two games in the closet were Twister and Monopoly. And I didn't dare play Monopoly with Alice. So we were left playing Twister.

Currently I was staring up towards the ceiling. My left hand was under my back and my right was off to the side. My feet were planted on either side of the mat. I was barely able to hold myself up; luckily I had Edward's head supporting me.

"Bella, please stop leaning on my head. It's uncomfortable," Edward was pleading.

"But Edward, if I don't lean on your head then I'll be sitting on Rosalie's face!"

A few minutes into the game Emmett and Jasper had joined us. Jasper sat off to the side and spun the spinner every turn for us. Unfortunately, he was also getting us into trouble.

Jasper spun again and we all shifted. Edward's head disappeared from underneath me and just as I started to quiver someone's legs appeared. I sagged against them gratefully. But my relief was short-lived. I soon found Rosalie's chest in my face.

"Uhh, Rose?"

"I'm sorry, Bella, but I can't move. Alice and Edward are pushing against me and this is the only way I get my hand onto the right spot."

"Emmett don't you dare say anything," Alice growled.

Suddenly I felt wave after wave of uncontrollable laughter wash over me. I started to laugh, which unfortunately put my face closer to Rosalie's chest.

"Bella, stop it!"

"I . . . can't . . . help it!" I kept laughing.

"Jasper!"

CPOV

This was quickly becoming the worst day of my life. I didn't know how many more of these encounters I could handle. And I wasn't about to find out. I rushed into the kitchen and grabbed the phone off the wall. I frantically called the main secretary at the hospital.

"Amber? It's Dr. Carlisle."

"Hello, Dr. Carlisle. Is something wrong? You sound frantic, and you haven't shown up for your shift."

"Yes, look, there's been a bit of a . . . a family emergency! Yes, that's it. And I won't be able to come into work today."

"Oh dear, well I hope everything will be-"

"Amber, listen. This is important. I need you to call all of my appointments and reschedule them. And if they ask why you're calling again you can just make up some excuse."

Alright," Amber said uncertainly. "Oh but it might be too late for me to call the nurse."

"Nurse? What nurse?"

"The one that you said you wanted to come by. I believe it was one of the high school girls. Jessica Stanley. She was going to be a nurse-in-training. You don't remember? You called it in about an hour or two ago."

"An hour or two ago . . . but that was when Bella and the-" I stopped.

"Dr. Cullen? Are you alright?"

"Oh, I'm just fine, Amber. _Just fine_." And with that I hung up the phone just before the doorbell rang. _That must be Jessica my "nurse in training,"_ I thought. I walked calmly to the door, expecting to see Jessica in the same style of scrubs that all the nurses at the hospital wore. But, in keeping with the theme of the day, I got something completely different from what I was expecting.

APOV

It was almost time. The doorbell was going to ring in about 10 seconds and I needed to capture that on film. It would be hilarious and I would regret it forever if I didn't.

The only problem was getting out of the Twister game and grabbing the camera off the table. I took a deep breath and launched myself through the only opening I could find. Unfortunately when I launched myself Bella lost her balance, she had been leaning on my shoulder, and toppled into Edward. She landed on his stomach and he was so surprised that he went crashing down to the floor and accidentally kicked Emmett in his "man area."

Jasper just sat off to the side laughing hysterically at the chaos that was unfolding. But I didn't have time to stop and enjoy the chaos. I had to get the camera and get into position. I dove into the living room and hit the record button just as Carlisle got to the door. He was so preoccupied that he didn't notice me. And that was when the fun began.

Jessica's POV

I was so excited. I couldn't believe that Edward needed help while he was training to be a doctor. I was so honored that he had chosen me to help him, and why not? I mean, I was perfect for him; he just needed a little convincing. And once he saw me in this outfit he would finally dump Bella and choose me.

It had taken all my courage to buy this crazy outfit and drive over here, but I just kept telling myself that Edward was waiting for me. I decided to go for maximum impact. Edward was taller than me so I wouldn't have to bend down at all. I crossed my arms over my stomach, placing my hands on my opposite hips and when the door opened I started to say, "Hey Edward, I heard that you needed a little help and I-"

CPOV

As I opened the door I started in on my speech about how there was a misunderstanding and that I didn't need a nurse today and that there would be no training taking place. But I didn't get very far. Once the door was open and my eyes settled on Jessica's outfit I could tell she wasn't here for any training, not medical training anyway.

Jessica's POV

I looked up when the door opened, expecting to see the two most perfect eyes in the entire world staring down at me with a mixture of love and desire. Instead what I saw were two eyes staring down at me with a mixture of confusion, shock and just a bit of humor.

"Dr. Cullen?!"

"Hello, Jessica," he said calmly. "What are you wearing?"

"I-I-" I didn't know what to say. Why was Edward's foster father opening to door? He should have been at the hospital. On the phone Edward said that he was alone and- "Darn it! I've been had!"

APOV

I could barely keep from laughing. The look on Jessica's face when Carlisle opened the door was just priceless. And the look on Carlisle's face wasn't bad either. They just stood there staring at each other, completely dumbfounded for a good long minute before Carlisle thought to ask what Jessica was doing on his front step in a slutty nurse costume.

At that moment Jasper, Emmett, Rosalie, Bella and Edward came barreling around the corner, demanding to know why I had shot out of the Twister game. Edward caught a glimpse of what was going to happen and promptly turned around, walking back out of the room. He tried to drag Emmett with him but by now Emmett had caught sight of Jessica.

She was wearing a tight, white dress and white leggings. But what had caught Emmett's attention was her peek-a-boo cleavage. The buttons over her chest were pulling at the loops and there were gaps in the fabric. Emmett was giving a nice long stare at those gaps and then suddenly something happened. Had I not known better I would have thought that Emmett did it by sheer force of will. Jessica's buttons popped loose and her cleavage went from peek-a-boo to full-blown boo.

Jessica screamed, Carlisle politely walked into the kitchen, Emmett howled and Rosalie slapped him and Edward and Bella tried to keep Jasper distracted. I laughed and walked over to Jessica.

"Hey, Jess. Smile real big for the camera now," I said, pointing the camcorder at her face. She screamed again and almost turned redder than Bella.

And in the next moment she had raced out to her car and driven off.

CPOV

There were some doubts in my mind about who could have been pulling all these stupid little pranks. But once I found Jessica on my doorstep I knew who was behind it. And she was going to pay, big time.

EmPOV

Best. Day. Ever.

CPOV

A little while after that Bella went home and the others wandered off to different parts of the house. It took me all night but finally in the morning the couch was spotless . . . a little sticky, but clean and smelling fresh. I went upstairs to go see Esme, hoping dearly that she would forgive me.

"Esme dear?" I found her in our bedroom, looking out the front window at our rolling front lawn. "I finished the cleaning the couch and I even sprayed it with your favorite fabric fresheners." Esme just nodded. I walked over and touched her shoulder. "Am I forgiven?"

She looked at me and then circled around me. "Close your eyes and I'll give you a surprise," she said. She looked so much like her old self that I was sure that it would be a pleasant surprise. "A little to the left."

That's when I started to get suspicious.

BPOV

_I hate that stupid hidden driveway_, I thought as I drove up towards the Cullen's house. That was the only annoying thing about coming to visit Edward. I always felt like I was going to cr-_CRASHYBOOM!_

There was a crashing sound that sounded suspiciously like a window breaking. And then something hard crashed onto the roof of my car. I slammed on my breaks, screaming. But when I did the thing that had landed on my roof flew off the car. I tried to swerve, still breaking desperately, but I couldn't get out of the way in time and my car thumped twice as I ran over whatever it was. The only thing I had been able to see was that it was pale white and fleshy.

"I think I just killed a large albino squirrel," I said as I climbed out of the car. "Oh, no! Carlisle?!"

Emmett came out onto the front porch. "Did you just kill a large albino squirrel?"

Jasper was right behind him. "I'll have to report this to LASA."

"What's LASA," I asked.

"Can I eat some," Emmett asked.

Rosalie appeared behind Emmett and smacked him in the back of the head. "You idiot, you can't eat food!"

"LASA is the Large Albino Squirrel Association. They won't be happy that Bella killed one in our front yard."

"You idiots," Rosalie yelled, smacking Emmett again. "That's Carlisle!"

Esme stuck her head out the window in their bedroom, a window, I noticed, that no longer had any glass in it. "Hello, Bella dear, come inside. I'll make you some hot chocolate."

I took one last look at Carlisle's limp, lifeless body lying in the grass and then went inside. Esme's hot chocolate was really improving.

**Author's Note: Yes, _CRASHYBOOM_ is a word. Microsoft word does not count it as misspelled therefore it is a word :D**


	11. Carlisle vs Bella

**This week on Prank Wars: We continue the Large Albino Squirrel gag, meet a suspicious Steve, use big words, make references to a previous story, make funny masks using the Fourth Wall and use graphic language (not really).**

**Once again, I had too much fun with this chapter.**

**The next one is going to be even crazier. :D Well I won't keep you up here any longer with my stupid ranting. So please enjoy this latest chapter!**

**You know at this point, these characters barely resemble the ones that are (c) Stephenie Meyer . . .**

Chapter 11: Carlisle vs. Bella

CPOV

April 7, 2009

When I woke up again I found Jasper poking me with a stick.

"Mr. Large Albino Squirrel? Are you okay?"

I ignored him and looked around, discovering two tire tracks over my body and Bella's truck a few yards in front of me. And then it all clicked into place. It was all Bella's idea! She was the one who had called everyone and even convinced Jessica to appear on my doorstep in a slutty nurse's uniform. And then she had convinced Esme to knock me out the window so that she could run me over with her car.

I sat up in the grass and started brushing the dirt off my clothes.

"Mr. Large Albino Squirrel I'm so glad you're okay! Bella ran you over with her truck and I was so worried that you were hurt!" Jasper threw his arms around my neck. "Oh no," he said. "Where's your tail?!"

Rosalie pulled open the kitchen window and yelled out, "Jasper! I keep telling you, that's not a squirrel! That's Carlisle!"

I looked up at Rosalie and saw Bella sitting at the island drinking hot chocolate, smiling and laughing like absolutely nothing had happened.

Well she wouldn't be laughing when I was through with her! A little voice inside my head was trying to tell me that this was a bad idea. It tried to warn me that this was how the couch fiasco started. But it was very hard to hear that little voice because an even louder little voice was screaming _TRAUMATIZE THE HUMAN!_

BPOV

April 7, 2009

There was a nagging little voice in the back of my head that was telling me I should be concerned with Carlisle's maniacal laughter but it was hard to hear that voice because there was a louder voice in the front of my head that was demanding more and more hot chocolate. I would have to ask Esme what she was putting in it.

EsPOV

April 7, 2009

Well it looks like that new ingredient I put into the hot chocolate was a success. I was a little worried about the man who sold it to me, I didn't know why he insisted we meet in an alleyway but he promised that this would keep people coming back for more and it looks like he was right.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

Why was Esme meeting with Trench Coat Steve?

BPOV

April 7, 2009

This hot chocolate tasted funny, to be honest. She must have been putting something in it that made it taste that way but I couldn't figure out what it was. And I didn't have time to try and figure it out because a very loud voice in my head that was demanding more. More. MORE!

"My Bella, you're looking particularly aggressive today," Alice said as she walked into the kitchen.

"More hot chocolate," I growled, holding out my mug.

Everyone except Esme turned to stare at me. Esme simply smiled and refilled my mug.

Carlisle walked in, followed closely by Jasper who was still poking him with a stick. "I think Bella is suffering from transamintion," He said, before swatting aimlessly towards Jasper in a vague attempt to stop his poking.

"What?" We all asked. So Carlisle spent a good two hours trying to explain it. In the end it all boiled down to "a bunch of smelly stuff that would probably be gross if you had to touch it" and I demanded more hot chocolate.

"I'm going to have to give her some medicine because basically what she's suffering from is hormonal imbalance." Carlisle pulled a handful of pills out of his jean pocket. We all turned to stare at him.

"Carlisle," Edward asked, "Why do you have pills in your jean pockets?"

Carlisle looked at Edward, and then at the pills in his hand, and then back at Edward. "I honestly don't know. I can't ever remember putting them there."

"I refuse to take any pills that have come out of someone's jean pocket," I piped up.

"Put them in this," Emmett suggested, holding up a bowl of oatmeal that seemed to appear out of no where.

"When did you-"

"I don't know. Don't ask."

Well I refused to eat the oatmeal which apparently left Carlisle with only one choice, forget the pills, or so I thought.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

_We're going to have to do this the old fashioned way, Edward_, Carlisle thought. I was about to ask him what the old fashioned way was but he flashed me a picture. I frowned.

"Won't she choke," I asked.

"That's what I'm here for," he replied.

"But _you_ are the one choking her!"

"Minor details, Edward," Carlisle said, moving away from Jasper who still seemed fascinated with poking Carlisle. He picked up the bowl of oatmeal and stirred the pills in.

Bella had already clenched her jaw and seemed determined to be stubborn but then I remembered the last time Bella was suffering from a hormonal imbalance. I shuddered recalling all the foods she had forcefully shoved down my throat. I quickly grabbed her jaw and forced her mouth open.

"Quickly, Carlisle!"

Carlisle rushed over and began spooning the oatmeal into her mouth. When that wasn't moving fast enough he tipped the bowl and began to slowly pour it in. Soon he was just shoveling it in. Bella choked several times and covered us both in a generous besprinkling of oatmeal but in the end we had won.

"You see, love," I said, releasing her jaw, "That wasn't so bad now was it?" I walked the bowl over to the sink and turned around to find Bella sprawled out on the clean white linoleum of the floor, out cold. "Bella!"

"Don't worry, Edward," Carlisle assured me, "Those were sleeping pills. She should sleep for a good couple hours. I'll take her upstairs, I want to run a few quick tests and make sure she's alright."

CPOV

April 7, 2009

I scooped Bella into my arms and carried her out of the kitchen. In the hallway I found Rosalie's tranquilizer gun lying carelessly in the middle of the floor.

_That's just dangerous_, I thought to myself, picking the gun up off the floor.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

I couldn't quite put my finger on it but something about this whole situation felt very, very wrong.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

Oh dear, it seems the only way I can carry both Bella and the gun is if I have the barrel of the gun up against Bella's neck. Oh well, it will only be for a moment and she won't be complaining.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

I could just feel the house tensing up for yet another bad idea. I just couldn't quite figure out what it was going to be.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

Oh my, it seems Rosalie has left the safety off. That's really quite careless, especially because I'm carrying it with the barrel pressed up against Bella's neck.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

I shifted my weight from foot to foot like I had seen humans doing for so many years and surveyed the room. Alice was chewing her lip, Rosalie was twirling her hair, Esme was cleaning more vigorously than usual, Jasper was pacing and Emmett's brow was furrowed. Although I couldn't tell if he was worried about Bella or about the math problem from the homework he had been neglecting.

_BANG!_

We all jumped.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

Oh dear, it seems that while I was carrying the gun, whose safety was off, I pulled the trigger and now a tranquilizer dart is stuck in Bella's neck. How unfortunate.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

We all went running as soon as we heard the shot. We found Carlisle standing on the stairs and smiling kindly and holding the still-unconscious Bella in his arms. He explained the situation and assured us that it was just a tranquilizer dart. Bella would be sleeping soundly for at least ten or twelve hours, which wouldn't necessarily be the worst thing for her. Carlisle then carried her upstairs and set her down in my room. Rosalie took her gun and locked it up in her room and for the rest of us went back to spending our days like we normally did. Nothing much happened until Bella appeared in the doorway of the living room.

Her face was completely devoid of emotion and her head was lolling to the side. And the weirdest thing of all was that she was naked.

I jumped up and threw a blanket around her body. "Bella," I hissed, "Why are you up and why are you naked?" She just stared at me with blank zombie eyes. "Are you sleepwalking?" She nodded. I sighed. "Alice can you take Bella upstairs, give her some clothes and then put her to bed?"

"What's the matter, Eddie? Is this sleeping zombie who would do anything you ask too much for you and your so-called 'self-control'?"

I glared. "Bella wouldn't do anything-"

"Hey Bella, want to go show Emmett what you're wearing under that blanket?" The zombie nodded. "Case and point." Bella tapped Alice on the shoulder and then pointed to me. "That's Edward, Bella." The zombie made a face like she didn't know who that was.

"I'm your boyfriend, love. Remember? Edward." No reaction. "Cullen." Nothing. "The vampire!" Not even a blink.

Alice laughed. "She's repressing you!" Bella picked up a pen and paper from one of the tables. She drew out a stick figure with little muscle marks. "Oh, I love pictionary! Is that Emmett?" Bella nodded and drew another one. This one with a little doctor's mask. "That's Carlisle." Bella drew a third figure wearing a dress. "Is that Esme?" Bella shook her head and drew the symbol of a man above the stick figure. "Jasper?!" Bella nodded. "Bella my husband does not-"

"Hi Alice, hope you don't mind, I'm borrowing this dress I found in your closet. Hey Bella, cute toga."

"Alright maybe he does."

"Alice, stop playing games and take her upstairs!" Alice laughed and wrapped her arm around Bella's shoulders, leading her towards the stairs.

I sighed and plopped down in a chair. Who knew my family could be so extremely exhausting. I was just starting to relax when I heard Alice shout, "Hey Edward, come here!"

It occurred to me that leaving a mindless zombie Bella in the hands of Alice was not one of my better ideas. I rushed upstairs as fast as I could and burst into Alice's room. Bella was still nearly naked. But at least now she had underwear on. And there was a shirt over her head, but it seemed to be stuck.

"I think Bella got the belt stuck around her neck, but I'm not sure. And she's trying to say something but I can't figure out what."

Bella was waving her arms around in front of herself and occasionally crossed her hands over part of her body; I think it was around her neck.

"Are you trying to play charades, love?"

"I think she is," Alice said.

"A chicken!"

"A monkey!"

"Jasper," Emmett suggested, poking his head into the room.

"I just said that."

"A walrus chasing a giraffe over icy tundra while a group of rabbits play chase music for the soundtrack," Jasper said, appearing behind Emmett in the doorway. We all turned to stare at him. Bella stopped wriggling and seemed to stare at him as well. Jasper slowly turned and walked from the room as if nothing had happened.

We just stood there for a moment and then Bella started to sway violently and she stumbled for the stairs.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

While Bella was still asleep I went and grabbed the sledgehammer from the garage. I would need it for what I was planning. And then, whistling while I worked, I head off towards Bella's truck and took my best swing.

EsPOV

April 7, 2009

I was reading quietly when I heard the distinct sound of glass breaking and metal denting. Immediately I ran into the kitchen, worried about what horrible torture Bella was subjecting it to. But I didn't find anyone and in fact, the entire kitchen was still intact. I looked out the window. Oh, Carlisle was trying to total Bella's truck with a sledgehammer. Well that explained the noise.

I went back to reading.

APOV

April 7, 2009

I saw what was going to happen to Bella, and I saw what Carlisle planned to do. I was about to stop her when I saw the shiny yellow Porsche that Carlisle was willing to give me if I didn't stop Bella. Well, for a shiny yellow Porsche, I would do him one better. I pushed Bella down the stairs, towards her doom.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

I was shocked when I saw Alice push Bella down the stairs. I was downright appalled when I saw Carlisle crash Bella's car through the front of the house and run her over. I stumbled backwards, unwilling to accept the fact that my father had just run my human girlfriend over with her own truck. I turned and I leaped out of Alice's window, broken glass spraying down onto Jasper who was trying to tap dance in yard with an umbrella for some unfathomable reason.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

Today's To-Do List:

Drug human with random pills: Check.

Shoot human with tranquilizer gun: Check.

Work car over with a sledgehammer: Check.

Run over human girl with truck: Check.

Crash truck through house: Check.

Run from a furious Esme: Check.

EPOV

April 7, 2009

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Bella had just been crushed by her own car. Well there was only one thing to do . . . call the hospital. I turned to race back towards the house. On my way I pasted a very angry looking Esme who was chasing Carlisle around with a rolling pin. Then it occurred to me that Bella had just been hit by her own car and would be covered in blood. She couldn't stay here. And neither could we. Everyone needed to get out. Fast. Including Bella.

Thankfully Alice was one step ahead of me. I heard her yelling at everyone to get out of the house and move towards the woods and stay there. I wanted desperately to be by Bella's side but I couldn't risk it. Painful as it was I rushed off towards the woods with everyone else.

Charlie's POV

April 7, 2009

It was just an average day at the office when I got the call. Bella had been run over by her own truck. It had crashed through that stupid Cullen boy's house. What on earth had happened to Bella?!

CPOV

April 7, 2009

And here is where it started to get interesting. Once I was sure that Edward and Alice had gotten everyone out of the house I grabbed the extra bags of blood from the trunk of my car. Tearing open the packages I quickly splashed Bella and the inside of her car. I had already smashed her car and created a nice hole in the windshield. I could fake a pretty good car crash if I do say so myself.

Charlie's POV

April 7, 2009

I rushed into the hospital, desperately searching for Bella. I caught only a glimpse of her, but it was a horrible glimpse. I caught sight only of her worn out sneakers propped up on a gurney that was being rushed down the hall. And even the sneakers were soaked in blood.

I was horrified; I didn't know what to do. Should I rush after her? What if the damage was tremendous? I didn't want my last image of my little girl to be of her covered in her own blood. But what if she had somehow managed to survive? People had narrow misses all the time, maybe she was just clipped by the car. And if she was really okay wouldn't she want her daddy to be by her side?

I didn't have much time to debate, however, because in the next second I heard an earsplitting scream.

Mike's POV

April 7, 2009

I was in the middle of making a mix tape for Bella when I heard it. A piercing scream that could have shattered glass. I was chilled. It sounded like someone was being murdered . . . or shot through the heart . . . hey, that's a good song. I should put that on there!

EPOV

April 7, 2009

We fought for about ten minutes, trying to decide where we should go. We figured it wouldn't be the worst thing to take a little vacation. Well, they decided that. I still didn't want to be far from Bella. But no one ever listens to me.

So we ended up in Canada.

Currently Alice was dancing around me. "Ah, I just love Canada, don't you, Eddie?"

"Don't call me 'Eddie,'" I grumbled.

Emmett threw a snowball at me. He was just packing together another one when we heard it. The most bone-chilling scream any of us had heard since Esme had found her living room destroyed.

"Oh good," Alice said, "Bella's awake."

I didn't bother to wait for an explanation. I tore off running, trying to get home as fast as I possibly could.

BPOV

April 7, 2009

Due to the graphic nature of Bella's thoughts and language several words she used frequently will be replaced with the words: puppy, sparkle, and unicorn.

"What the **sparkle** happened to me?! Why the **puppy** am I covered in **sparkling** blood?! Oh **unicorn**! It must have been those **sparkling** Cullens! They hit me with my own **sparkle** car! When I get my hands on those **unicorn**-faces I'm going to beat them into the ground. There will be **puppy** to pay!"

And then I saw the blood. I was covered in it. The stench of it was everywhere. It invaded my nostrils and refused to leave. My entire body was coated and it looked like it was oozing out of every orifice of my body. I looked around, desperately trying to find something that wasn't coated in blood. But everything was: blankets, sheets; I saw my clothes lying in a bloody heap. And then everything turned red, and then black. I sank gratefully into unconsciousness.

CPOV

April 7, 2009

Bella woke up just after I got her settled in a private room. I peeled off her bloody clothes and placed her in a hospital gown. Then she woke up, screamed, cursed like Rosalie when she was angry, and then lost consciousness again. I cleaned her up and disposed of her clothes just before the hospital staff came rushing in. I figured that while I had Bella at the hospital that it couldn't hurt to run a few tests.

I made up some likely story about her suddenly passing out and commenced the tests that I insisted doing personally. I expected to find a large about of sleeping drugs in her system, and I did. But then I found something bizarre. Needless to say I started a detoxification immediately.

EPOV

April 8, 2009

It took me an infuriatingly long time to get to the hospital. It was early in the morning and I found Charlie sleeping on the benches in the waiting room. One of the nurses had already come out and draped a blanket over him but he still slept fitfully, worried about Bella.

I walked down the deserted hallways and poked my head into the only room with a light on. Bella lay asleep in a hospital bed with an IV hooked up to her arm. I looked from Bella to Carlisle.

"What's going on?"

"I found high amounts of nicotine in her blood. Edward, has Bella started smoking recently?"

I shook my head, "No, of course she hasn't." B_ut where could she have gotten nicotine?_ And then something clicked in my mind. Trench Coat Steve sold all sorts of drugs and addictive ingredients. And I had seen images of Esme meeting with Trench Coat Steve in her head just yesterday. "So that's why she was acting so strangely. Esme put nicotine in the hot chocolate!"

"Ah, now it all makes sense," Carlisle said, jotting down a few notes.

I just stared at him a moment. "Carlisle, aren't you concerned? Your wife is putting addictive drugs in the food that she's giving to my human girlfriend! Can't you be a little surprised at least?"

Carlisle pegged me with a hard stare. "Edward, after the things I've been through this past week, Esme's little nicotine stunt fails to surprise me. In fact, nothing fails to surprise me."

"Look at me, I'm pie!" Jasper came running into the room wearing . . . well I don't really know how to describe what he was wearing. It looked like he had dumped several cans of pie filling all over himself, made a mask out of pie crust dough and then let Emmett paint a whipped cream bikini on him. Sure enough Emmett appeared behind him with a can of whipped cream in hand.

Carlisle just sighed. "I wish this surprised me, I really, really do."

He had a point, these past seven days had been pretty crazy, and little did I know they were about to get even crazier.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

"Hey, Jacob? It's Bella, please don't hang up. I have a special favor to ask you and I think you're going to like it."


	12. Bella vs Everyone

**This week on Prank Wars: Werewolf swears, we try cooking with garlic, someone else gets bored, and we fight BEARS.**

**Hi everyone! We've got another great prank-filled chapter here for you! Full of random guest stars, obscure references, and a whole lot of pranks. I think this was, hands down, my favorite chapter to write and it's also my co-author's favorite, although she admits that she feels bad about what happened with Jacob. But tis all in good fun! And without further ado, please enjoy this chapter!**

**Twilight and all characters are (c) Stephenie Meyer, Monty Python is (c) . . . Monty Python, and Avatar is (c) . . . the creator of Avatar. We own none of them!**

Chapter 12: Bella vs. Everyone

BPOV

April 8, 2009

When I woke up in the morning the blood was gone and Edward was by my side. He explained what had happened over the past 24 hours and then Carlisle came by and told me about the nicotine in my hot chocolate. I tried to insist that I was fine but Carlisle insisted I stay here for another day.

April 9, 2009

Finally Carlisle released me. Edward took me back to his house and told me I was allowed to take the day off from school. I had big plans in mind that involved him not being around so I played up my being weak and tired. He tried to insist that he stay home as well but I told him that since everyone else was up in Canada that _someone_ had to represent the Cullens during the day. I think he knew I was planning a prank but I doubt he knew it would affect him. So he let me stay home alone. His first mistake.

I was pretty sure that all the Cullens, in one way or another, had been in on Carlisle's little prank, or in the case of Esme, had their own in mind. So, I was going to get back at all of them. And maybe I would start with the cars, like that new, shiny, yellow-

The phone started to ring in the kitchen. I decided to pick up because I figured most people wouldn't be calling the Cullens. It was Alice.

"DON'T YOU DARE TOUCH MY CAR!"

And then she hung up.

Well, that certainly destroyed my plans. Unless . . . I suddenly had a brilliant idea. An idea so brilliant, not even Alice would see it coming.

EmPOV

April 9, 2009

"What was that about, Alice," I asked when she had hung up.

"Bella was trying to destroy my car."

"Oh," I said. I didn't really know what to say to that. Alice nodded so I nodded back. We stood there a moment.

"Hey look, a bear!" I ran off to go battle a bear for a little while.

APOV

April 9, 2009

I didn't know what Bella was planning exactly but I was determined to keep tabs on her. And I was doing a good job. I kept her from destroying my new car. But then, suddenly, I couldn't see anything she was doing. Either Bella had suddenly decided to sit down on the floor and not move or she had just done something terrible.

And I had a sinking feeling it was the latter.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

"Hey, Jacob? It's Bella, please don't hang up. I have a special favor to ask you and I think you're going to like it."

"Are you sure you're allowed to be talking to me, Bells? You know how protective that leech and his siblings can be," Jacob said, his voice dripping with scorn.

"_Edward_ is at school, Carlisle is at work and the rest of them are in Canada. But I think you're going to like what I have planned. I need you to help me mess up their cars. And if you could bring over some of the strongest guys in your pack, that'd be nice, too. I'm going to be doing a little . . . redecorating and I need some help rearranging the furniture."

There was silence. Then, "You're kidding right? This is some prank; they're just waiting for me over there. Waiting to ambush me."

"No, actually I'm trying to get back at them for a particularly annoying prank. And I'm asking you for several reasons: you're good with cars, you can lift heavy things, and most importantly, Alice can't 'see' you or me if my plans involve you."

I heard Jacob sigh over the line; clearly he was weighing the pros against the cons. Then I heard a loud pop.

"Jacob? You still there?"

There was a knock at the door. I decided to hang up on Jacob and answered the door instead. Jacob stood there in tattered jeans and no shirt. As I stood there, gaping openly, I heard several more pops and saw a couple more half-dressed guys appear from behind trees.

"You smell like the leeches," was all Jacob said.

"Well let's change that. Jacob I need you to mess around with the mechanics of their cars. And make sure you poke around inside, too. I want you to get that werewolf smell everywhere. And rig everything you can but make sure the car still runs. The rest of you, come with me."

The werewolves stood there for a moment, unsure. Then Jacob shrugged and said, "You heard the girl, get started!"

EPOV

April 9, 2009

This was not going to be a good day. I would have to deal with Newton's taunts about Bella not being here, Jessica's advances, and the questions of about where the rest of my family was.

I managed to make it through the first half of the morning by whispering to my teachers and successfully avoided Jessica by telling her I had lost my voice and could only speak in sign language. When I had classes with Mike, I explained in a loud voice that I had temporarily lost my hearing and couldn't talk to him. Thankfully he didn't catch on even when I repeatedly responded to my name and accidentally answered someone's question.

But lunch was surprisingly lonely. Usually Emmett was cracking a joke, Alice and Rosalie were gossiping, and Jasper was . . . well, being Jasper. Sometimes they were even taking bets on Bella. But there would be none of that today. I was really looking forward to going home to Bella today.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

While Jacob had been rigging the cars I had the other werewolves moving furniture around. After only a couple hours we had managed to move most of the bulky furniture. Around lunchtime the wolves left to go get lunch so I did some work of my own. And all I needed was some Ceran wrap from the kitchen, grease from the garage and the Vaseline from Alice's makeup kit.

EPOV

April 9, 2009

Today school seemed more than unbearable, it was torture. I had to sit through every single class without Bella being there with me. At least in the past my siblings had been around. Emmett was usually thinking up perverted jokes, Alice was gossiping, and, if all else failed, I could watch Rosalie's fashion show, complete with commentary.

I got so bored that I swiped some art supplies between classes. In one class period I had made a paper chain of Emmett fighting bears, a long white beard, a shorter brown beard, funny eyebrows and a monocle using some aluminum foil I had found in the cafeteria. I found a sharpie in my backpack and used it to doodle on Newton when he fell asleep in math class. But there is only so much room for sharpie doodling on someone's head, even if it was Newton's unusually large one.

So I started on myself. Between each period I would add a little more and put on one my costume pieces. By this point I had also constructed several paper hats and a long, flowing robe with some the paper they keep on huge rolls in the supply closet.

I got numerous strange looks and class was often delayed so that people could stare at me. Strangely enough no one could bring themselves to ask me why I was wearing such an outfit. By the end of the day I was wearing my monocle, a purple robe, an origami cowboy hat, my long white beard, and lion slippers. I had also written all over myself. I had a triangular cutout in my robe where the words "I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts" could be seen; I had drawn the arrows of the Avatar all over myself, and had drawn second eyes, complete with makeup, onto my eyelids.

Yep, today was a dull day.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

The wolves returned a little less than an hour later. But at that point I already knew that I wouldn't be able to finish in time. So I decided to call Esme.

"Hey Esme, its Bella."

"Why hello, Bella darling. How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine, Esme. But listen, I have a little surprise for Edward, but it's not finished yet. Can you guys possibly keep him away from the house for a little while? Carlisle, too?"

"Of course, Bella, we'll head home right away. Emmett! Stop wrestling the bear!" _Click_. I stared at the phone for a minute and then shrugged.

"Hey Bells, where do you want us to mo-WHOA!" Jacob had started to walk into the kitchen but slipped on the floor and crashed into the Ceran wrap I had plastered over the door. "What the heck was that?!"

I pulled the wrap apart and crawled through the opening. "I put grease on the floor so that everyone would slip and I covered the door with Ceran wrap so that when someone slips they'll crash into the wrap."

"Why aren't you slipping? No offense Bells but you're hardly a master of balance."

I held up a foot, "No-slip-grip on my shoes."

Jacob glared at me. "And did you do something to the door handles, too? We spent five minutes trying to get it but we couldn't get a grip on the handle!"

"Oh yeah, sorry about that, I put Vaseline on the handles."

Jacob glared harder.

"Alright, now you know what's going on with the house. Keep moving the furniture around, I need to run into town and get a few things." I hurried outside and climbed, somewhat reluctantly, into Emmett's car because mine was still . . . well, smashed. I turned the car on . . . and immediately wished I hadn't. Jacob had turned everything on, alarm, radio on full blast, windshield wipers, and blinkers. I hastily turned it off, making a mental note to turn it back on when I was home again. I started to drive but screamed when I heard something that sounded like gunshots. Instinctively I ducked down. I didn't hear any other noises so I cautiously peeked up. There were no bullet holes ridding the sides of Edward's car.

Jacob stood at my window, laughing uncontrollably. "We put bubble wrap on the tires so that it would sound like gunshots." He laughed even harder at my cherry-red face.

I put the pedal to the floor and shot off.

Unfortunately when I got to the end of their driveway I went to turn onto the main rode and the horn started to blare. I screamed again and I could hear Jacob's laughter echoing after me.

EsPOV

April 9, 2009

Huh, I never knew there was a coffin store in Forks . . . how odd.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

Ug, I really hate the smell of garlic.

EPOV

April 9, 2009

I walked out of school today, still in my full costume, and was greeted by my family, except Carlisle. For a moment everyone stared.

"Nice outfit," Alice said sarcastically.

"Can I borrow that sometime?" Jasper asked breathlessly.

"You look awesome," Emmett said.

"You look ridiculous," Rosalie.

"Edward, let's leave the strange clothes to Jasper, okay?" Esme looked me up and down.

I shrugged, "It was a dull day, and I had some free time on my hands."

Suddenly Alice popped open an umbrella and a split second later an unusually torrential downpour soaked all of us and sent students running for their cars or the nearest shelter they could find, sacrificing their books and homework in an effort to stay dry. And then, just as suddenly as it started, it stopped. Alice closed her umbrella and threw a towel at me.

I caught it easily and, after wiping some of the water away, looked around at my assembled family. "So why are you all here?"

Instead of answering me they all climbed into a car I had never seen before, and prayed was a rental. I walked towards them and grabbed the handle for the backseat. It was locked. I knocked on the window. They ignored me.

APOV

April 9, 2009

Ah there's nothing like drowning out the sound of your whiny vampire brother's screams with the squealing tires of someone else's car.

BPOV

April 9, 2009

We probably only had a few more minutes. Jacob had re-rigged Emmett's car, the guys had moved all the furniture around, I had thought up a clever use for packing peanuts and had, admittedly, too much fun with Emmett's bottle of crazy glue.

I was more than satisfied with how things had turned out. And now, I couldn't wait for the Cullens to get home. But I felt like I was missing something, there had to be one last little thing to completely piss them off. And then I thought of it. I rummaged around and found all the guys' socks and several bottles of shaving cream from Edward's prank on Rosalie. So I filled their socks and then smiled happily to myself.

"Thanks you guys, I couldn't have done this without you," I said, turning to the guys who were gathered in the ex-living room. I stared at them. "What are you doing?"

The guys were rolling around on the ground and rubbing up against the furniture. "Just trying to get rid of the leech smell."

I rolled my eyes and shooed them out of the house. Jacob laughed and waved before transforming with a pop and running off. I watched them go, silently counting how many there were. I gasped, one wasn't there. Which meant one was still in the house! I spun around and found myself face to face with a shirtless, but shy-looking, Quinn.

I sighed, putting a hand over my heart. "Quinn," I gasped. "You startled me. You better get going; you know how much trouble it would cause if you're seen here."

"I know, I'll leave in a minute, Miss Swan but Jacob wanted me to keep you here for a minute while he got your surprise."

"My surprise?" I shook my head. "And why are you being so formal?"

"Surprise!"

I spun around and caught a glimpse of Jacob holding a black shopping bag. I gulped. "Jacob, what's in the bag?" He opened it up and I peered inside. I instantly felt worse. Inside was a bottle of chloroform, a roll of duct tape, and a package that read "Insta-blood! Make you own realistic-looking blood in seconds! Great for pranks and practical jokes!"

"Jacob what is this-"

"CHLOROFORM RAG TO THE FACE!"

EPOV

April 9, 2009

We all rushed home as soon as Alice saw Bella decide her "surprise" was done. I got there first and rushed up the front porch steps. Only to be unable to open the door. My hands kept slipping off. So I just kicked the door in. I rushed inside and slipped on the floor.

I looked around and discovered she had put grease on the floor.

Esme rushed past me, avoiding the first patch of grease, but slipping when she tried to run into the kitchen. Unfortunately for Esme, there was plastic wrap over the doorway and she smacked right into it. But in a moment she was up and had torn through it all and stormed into the kitchen. All the appliances were gone and instead there was garlic. No fridge, just garlic. No dishwasher, just garlic. No . . . well, you get the idea. And in the middle of the room was a giant black coffin with and E and R intertwined on the lid. And scattered about the room were various pieces of their furniture, apparently Emmett and Rosalie lived in the kitchen now.

But I didn't stick around to watch Esme scream. I ran, slipping and crashing, into the living room, which was now my room apparently, given that my stuff was scattered around. Once I clawed my through the plastic wrap I was assaulted by the stench of werewolves. Suddenly it all made sense; I knew Bella couldn't have moved all the furniture by herself. At least they had left my piano unharmed. I lifted the lid and started to play a song . . . only to realize they had coated the keys in superglue. Oh how I hated them.

EmPOV

April 9, 2009

_WHEEP! CRASH!_

Why were all the office supplies in the bathrooms? And why is superglue on all the pens?!

EsPOV

April 9, 2009

_WHEEP! CRASH! SCREE!_

Why is the kitchen in Emmett and Rosalie's bedroom? Why is there superglue on all the pot handles? Why is the whole room filled with packing peanuts? And, for the love of God, WHY IS THERE PLASTIC WRAP ON THE DOOR?!

JPOV

April 9, 2009

"Oh goody! Our bedroom is on the roof now! Slumber party on the roof. Every night!"

APOV

April 9, 2009

_WHEEP! CRASH! SCREE!_

I can understand making us slip into the door. I can cringe while I push open the plastic wrap door and it rubs against the packing peanuts. But why, WHY, is my room now home to all the toilets? AND WHY ARE THEY FILLED WITH GOLDFISH?!

RPOV

April 9, 2009

Where is my gun?

EPOV

April 9, 2009

I was beginning to wonder where Bella was; usually she would be laughing at us while we stumbled around helplessly. Or stumbling along with us, falling into her own traps. But as I looked around, there was no sign of her anywhere. I dragged the piano up the stairs, leaving large dents in the wall and playing some truly horrid music. I was determined not to let a little superglue get in the way of exploring my house. And then something wet landed on my head. I looked up, I screamed.

EmPOV

April 9, 2009

_WHEEP! CRASH!_

Edward screamed like a little girl!

EPOV

April 9, 2009

I don't care what Emmett says about my scream. If you saw your bloody girlfriend taped to the ceiling and she wasn't conscious, you would scream, too.

I heard five simultaneous slips and crashes and then my whole family was beside me. Esme's hands were stuck to pots, mine were on the piano keys, Emmett's were clutched around a variety of pens, and Jasper had somehow attached himself to the weather vane even though there wasn't any superglue on it. Alice seemed to be the only one without something in her hands. Even Rosalie was stroking her gun.

So Alice ended up using Emmett as a vampire ladder and managed to free Bella. We quickly discovered it wasn't real blood but decided to take her to see Carlisle anyway. A feat that became all the harder when we tried to drive. I couldn't run very well with a piano stuck to me and it wouldn't fit in the car so I had to ride on the roof. Esme kept accidentally smacking people and Rosalie accidentally shot Jasper three times. The first time was when Esme accidentally whacked her, and then it was because the bubble wrap on the tires sounded like shots being fired and she had to return fire. The other time was because he kept poking her with the weather vane.

I must say we looked quite interesting when we walked into the clinic. Jasper was riddled with tranquilizer darts, as things had only gotten worse when Alice started turning corners, and he was swaying dangerously, threatening to poke people with his vane. Esme kept forgetting about the pots attached to her hands and made quite a racket when she tried to sign Bella in or read a magazine. Emmett declared himself to be a superhero, Senor Pen-Hands, I believe, when the pens he was superglued to came in handy. And me? I was stuck to a piano.

Finally, though, Carlisle came out and took Bella into one of the back rooms. He looked at his family for a minute but his mind only registered mild surprise, I think the rest of it just shut down completely. Of course I had to stay in the waiting room because I couldn't fit.

APOV

April 9, 2009

"I feel bad just leaving him out there," Esme was saying as we dragged Bella through the halls.

My eyes unfocused for a moment. "Don't worry, Esme. He's about to have a lot of fun."

Snappy jazz music from the twenties filtered down the halls towards us.

"Oh, I did love the music of the twenties," Esme said, just before launching into an old-fashioned dance. Unfortunately she kept forgetting the pots and tried to clap a lot.

EPOV

April 9, 2009

_The twenties really did have the best piano dance music,_ I mused. But since my hands were glued to just a few keys, I ended up having to play with my feet instead. I made $25 in just the first minute. By the end of the number people were dancing and there was a tidy profit in the jar one of the nurses had dropped off.

By the time a sleepy Bella stumbled out several hours later I had made enough money to cover her medical costs for a whole month. Well . . . maybe a week and a half. Carlisle detached us from our respective objects and we all went home. Of course we weren't about to let Bella get away with her little prank, oh no, we had something deliciously evil in mind. But we would let that wait until she was feeling a little better.

Oh, and of course we didn't forget about Jacob. I went right to the bakery and bought a special present for him. Several presents in fact.

Jacob's POV

April 10, 2009

I woke up the next morning with an extreme sense of accomplishment. I had pranked those stupid leeches, and I had pranked them good. Just imagining the look on their faces was enough to keep me smiling all day long.

I walked out into the hallway, and immediately sensed something was wrong. The house smelled like leech. I was just wondering why they were in my house and if there were still here when suddenly I heard the strangest sound. _PFFT! PFFT! PFFT!_ Three banana cream pies hit me square in the face. I groaned and wiped the pie from my eyes. I headed towards the bathroom.

Just as I walked past, dad opened his door and wheeled out. "What was that noise?" He triggered another set, they might have been intended for him but they just sailed over his head. _PFFT! PFFT! PFFT!_ Three pies to the back of my head this time. Great. Just great.

I got cleaned up and headed towards my car; I fully intended to give those stupid bloodsuckers a piece of my mind. They think they could just pop over to my house uninvited and plant pie traps everywhere? They had another thing coming! I yanked open the door and heard the most unwelcome sound in the world. _SWEEPFFT! SWEEPFFT! SWEEPFFT!_ _ CLUNKYKACHUNK._

**Warning: Due to copious amounts of werewolf swears this next section had been removed. We apologize for any inconvenience. Our censors tried to edit this section but even they could not censor such strong werewolf swears.**

I lay on the ground, writhing in pain. Even for a werewolf, whose threshold for pain is very high, that was a painful blow.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

A thought occurred to me the morning after we rigged Jacob's house.

"Alice, you did remember to rig the brick-and-banana pies at chest height in the car, right?"

"Of course, Edward, I'm not cruel. I measured it out myself."

I looked at Alice. I looked at roughly where Alice's chest was in terms of my own body. I shuddered, even I wasn't that cruel.


	13. Everyone vs Bella

**This week on Prank Wars: We reunite a father and son, we reference bad infomercials, we torture the male side-character population, we waste more pie, we meet Trench Coat Steve, and find out how Bella _really_ gets home from downtown. *wiggles eyebrows***

**Well we had fun with this chapter. Okay maybe (as usual) a bit too much fun. I think we just enjoy torturing people. And we reference a previous story. For all those who have read "Every 28 Days" get ready for a wave of nostalgia! So get ready for another great story, grab a French dessert and get ready for this! Cause this is a 14-page chapter! We'd like to give a little shoutout to all our fans at the business of Runner by Trade and tell you that wont get any work done today if you choose to read this. :D**

Chapter 13: Everyone vs. Bella

EPOV

April 10, 2009

I never thought the day would come when my family sat around our dining room table and plotted the downfall of Bella. Well, I hadn't expected this to happen after we had been dating for so long, I almost expected it when she first discovered our secret. But certainly not now; sure enough, however, we were trying to figure out the best course of action.

"I say we dump the body in the river," Jasper said, banging on the table.

We all turned to stare at him. "What are you talking about," I asked.

Jasper stared at us in turn. "What are _you_ talking about?"

"Getting revenge on Bella . . ."

"Oh. Never mind what I said, then."

We decided to ignore him.

"I think you'll be quite satisfied with my plan," Carlisle said. "I've taken the liberty of installing a temporary emotional control device in Bella while she was in the hospital."

"How does it work?"

"You simply clap to change her mood. And with this control screen, we can monitor her mood from far away. All we need to do is clap and we can make her feel anything we want. It's just like Jasper's powers except it feeds directly into her brain so there's no way to override it."

I looked at Carlisle for a moment and then I stood up. I walked solemnly over to his chair. Carlisle stood up as well. I looked him in the eyes for a moment. And then I hugged him, "I love you, Dad. You're a brilliant man." I have never been so proud of my father.

CPOV

April 10, 2009

He . . . he called me "dad." I can't remember the last time any of them, let alone Edward, called me "dad" and Esme is usually the only one to say "I love you." And to think, all it took was implanting what is essentially a mind control device into the brain of an innocent human girl who happens to be his girlfriend.

"I love you, too, son." We embraced for a moment.

EsPOV

April 10, 2009

Ah, there's nothing quite like mind control schemes to bring a family together.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

Last night had been interesting. I had driven home in my ancient truck, which somehow survived being crashed through the front of the Cullen's house, although Rosalie did work on it a little bit. I had walked in the door and was almost instantly greeted by Charlie.

"Isabella Swan! It's about time you got home. I haven't seen you for close to two weeks, now! Where have you been?"

I decided to ignore him. "Hey Dad, school was hard, as usual. I'll start making dinner." I had walked in the kitchen and stifled a gasp. The kitchen looked worse than the time when Esme and I tried to make kitty cat cookies for Edward to make up for me being . . . well, kind of crazy. Alright, very crazy. But this kitchen looked a thousand times worse. Turns out Charlie had been trying to cook all week.

We ended up going out to eat that night and I spent most of the morning washing dishes and pans. But the floor was so filthy I saw only one suitable option. I covered the floor in baking soda, after removing all the furniture from the kitchen, and then dumped vinegar all over the baking soda.

There was a _minor_ explosion, that may or may not have broken the windows in the kitchen, and then the floors were sparkling clean. The walls were filthy, but the floor was clean.

Charlie took one look at the mess I had created and said, "Hey, Bells, Billy called the other day and said Jacob had a lot of fun with you the other day. Maybe you should go visit him again today."

"Jacob?" I don't know why but suddenly I was overwhelmed with a desire to see him. "Of course! I'm going right now!" I rushed outside and drove off as fast as my truck could take me.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

"Clap on," _clap, clap,_ "Clap off," _clap, clap, _"Mind control."

BPOV

April 10, 2009

I don't really know why but recently I was feeling rather moody. My moods seemed to change on the drop of a hat, and I think someone was following me. I kept hearing clapping.

But maybe it was all in my imagination. At the very least I could see Jacob again. Although I wasn't sure why I was so excited, I should be angry. He drugged me and duct taped me to the ceiling! But somehow I couldn't conjure any rage towards him. Oh well.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

"She's almost out of our territory," I reported. "What should we switch her to?"

Carlisle studied the monitor of the remote for a moment. "Oh, I have a great idea. Start clapping, I'll tell you when to stop."

I clapped for a few minutes and then Carlisle stopped me. He showed the screen.

"Nice, it'll be just like old times, expect directed at Jacob." Yep, I think I was going to enjoy PMS mode.

Jacob's POV

April 10, 2009

"There," I said. "It's finally finished." I had just spent the last several hours fixing my car. I had taken out the rig that those stupid bloodsuckers had used to fling pies at me and then cleaned it all, inside and out. Now it was gorgeous and sparkling; I was very proud. And then, Bella showed up. I was worried at first that she was going to be mad at me for, you know, the whole chloroform incident, but instead she hopped out of her car and practically skipped over to me.

"Hi Jacob," she said, "Wow, your car looks amazing!"

"Um, thanks," I said, not quite sure what to make of this new cheerful Bella. "Not that I mind or anything but, why are you here?"

"I'm not exactly sure. All I know is that I really wanted to see you."

Fine by me. "Ok, do you want some popcorn?"

"Sure!"

I led Bella inside and left her in the living room. I swear my back was only turned for a minute, I don't know what happened in such a short amount of time but when I came back she was furious!

BPOV

April 10, 2009

"I've got the popcorn," Jacob said, re-entering with a huge bowl of buttery and salty popcorn. I don't really know why but for some reason that made me especially angry. I glared at the bowl, my breathing grew ragged and then I shot up off the couch and glared at Jacob. He backed up quickly. "What," he asked, looking scared, "What's wrong? What's the matter? What did I do?"

"Popcorn," I asked incredulously. "You brought me _popcorn_?"

"Yes," Jacob said quietly. He looked like he was seriously regretting bringing the popcorn out.

"What are you, dumb or something?! Do you know how much salt is on popcorn? Do you know how much butter there is on popcorn? So, what? You want me to be fat and bloated and ugly?!" I was starting to get really angry now which meant that my eyes were tearing up and I started to cry. "You hate me! You just want me to get so fat and ugly that no one else could possibly want me!" I didn't really know where all this rage was coming from. "You're trying to break up me and Edward aren't you? You want me so bloated that he'll never talk to me and then I'll have to come crawling back to you. But you'll do nothing but avoid me and _FEED ME FATTENING POPCORN_!"

I was so angry I couldn't control myself. Jacob had backed himself against the wall when I started ranting and advancing on him. Now I took the bowl of popcorn and threw it in his face, screaming all the while. He gasped and darted around me, sending pieces of popcorn flying everywhere. "Bella, calm down!"

"Oh you want me to calm down? Eat some _popcorn_, maybe?" I screamed again and this time picked up a chair from the kitchen and threw it at him with all my might. Needless to say I caught him off guard. Jacob stumbled backwards and crashed through the window with a resounding _CRASHYBOOM_!

Jacob's POV

April 10, 2009

Bella caught me off guard with the whole chair-throwing act and I stumbled backwards and crashed through the window. Luckily we were on the first floor so I wasn't hurt, not that I would have been anyway, what with a werewolf's ability to heal. Unfortunately, I landed on something hard but familiar.

"My car!"

And just when I though things couldn't get any worse, I felt the car shift underneath me and I realized I had never put on the emergency break. And my car was now rolling towards the cliff.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

I jumped a foot in the air. I had never heard such a piercing scream. I was starting to get worried when suddenly it stopped, cut off by a loud splash.

"Well that's a relief," I said. "That scream was really starting to get on my nerves."

I sat around Jacob's living room for a few more minutes, waiting for him to return from wherever he had run off to. I ate some popcorn and looked at the videos he had lined up on a bookshelf in the living room. Mostly werewolf movies or ones where vampires were torn to shreds. He's very subtle, Jacob is.

About ten minutes later I heard panting behind me and whirled around to see a soggy, bleeding Jacob standing in the doorway. Now it was my turn to scream.

"Oh my gosh! I am so, _so_ sorry! This is all my fault!" I started to cry, real tears not angry ones. I don't know why but I couldn't help it. I sobbed hysterically, my voice choking with emotion. "I should-" _sob, sob_, "Just go-" _sob, sob,_ "Lock myself-" _sob, sob,_ "AWAY!" _WAIL, WAIL_. "I'll miss you, puppy!"

Jacob's POV

April 10, 2009

"Puppy?"

BPOV

April 10, 2009

I was tempted to hug Jacob goodbye, but he was wet, and smelled like salt, so I decided just to leave. I shoved past him and ran out into the yard. I dove into my car and floored it, hoping to get away before he could come after me. As I drove off I heard a soft _whizzing_ sound followed by a splat. But I ignored it and kept driving.

Jacob's POV

April 10, 2009

I was standing in the doorway, dumbfounded. What on earth had happened to Bella? She had completely lost it, and talk about moody. I stood in the doorway and watched her drive off. I was still standing there when suddenly . . . _PFFT_! Another pie hit me square in the face. Stupid leeches.

"Mmm, blueberry."

BPOV

April 10, 2009

After almost causing three accidents and nearly crashing into a tree, which sounded suspiciously like screaming people, I decided it would be best to pull over and stop crying. By the time I found a place to park and had stop crying long enough to see clearly, I discovered I had stopped in front of the new French bakery that had recently opened up in town. It was then that I realized how much I wanted cake.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

"That was close," I gasped. We had been so busy checking the monitor of the mind control device that we hadn't noticed Bella zooming towards us until it was almost too late. We both instinctively screamed and clung to the branches for dear life.

"What are you still doing here," A familiar voice asked.

I spun around to face Alice but unfortunately forgot where I was and crashed out of the tree and on Jessica's lap. Unfortunately.

She screamed. "Edward! You startled me."

"Yes, sorry about that," I said, trying to stand up. "Well I have to be going."

"Wait!" Jessica grabbed my arm and dragged me back down, pulling me uncomfortably close to her very low-cut shirt. Honestly, hadn't she ever heard of a turtleneck? Oh wait . . . she had, but it had a diamond cut-out so it still exposed plenty of cleavage . . .

"Man down! Man down," Carlisle was yelling, at vampire level of course.

"Look, Jessica," I started to plead. "I'm sorry but I've _really_ got to go."

"No you don't," she said in, what her thoughts assured me was, her 'seductive voice.' She wound her arms around my neck and tried to pull me closer.

I had to think of something quick. "Hey, what's that?"

"What?"

Thank God for humans being easily distracted. As soon as Jessica took her eyes off my I broke free of her grasp and started running. Of course she chased after me, begging me to stop and saying she would do naughty things to me if she caught me. I ran faster. And then, out of no where, Jasper appeared. Except he wasn't Jasper.

"Handy-dandy pie man," he called out, wheeling an old-fashioned covered cart of pies.

"What are you doing," I hissed.

"Selling pies," he replied simply. I stared at him for a good several seconds before I heard Jessica catching up to me. Faced with many other options but none of them quite as much fun, I started to run again. But this time I leaped through the air, headed straight for Jasper's pie cart. I grabbed two pies off the top of the cart and spun, mid-air, to face Jessica and launch the pies at her. I glided easily through the center of the cart and managed not to knock anything over before landing with a quick roll on the other side. In a moment I was up and running again.

"Sorry about the pies, Jessica, but I really have to go. Those colors look really pretty on you, though. Bye!"

Jessica's POV

April 10, 2009

He . . . he said I looked _pretty_!

CPOV

April 10, 2009

Mission accomplished.

JPOV

April 10, 2009

My pies!

BPOV

April 10, 2009

About ten minutes later I had collected a fair amount of French desserts. I had fancy cupcakes, cookies, éclairs, napoleons, and all sorts of fancy French things. In fact, I had so many boxes with me that the employees were building an Eiffel tower with them. No one seemed bothered by my sudden spending spree, though, which was good. If they had asked me what the occasion was I wasn't sure I would know what to say.

But then it occurred to me that I wouldn't have the money to pay for all this. I was horrified for a moment and then I remembered how Edward was always saying that he wanted to buy things for me. So I fully intended to take him up on his offer. I had just decided to start a tab in his name when my phone buzzed with a text message from Alice. Inside was Edward's credit card number, the password to his email address and the password for his real myface. Not the one that _someone_ had made for us.

When I asked Alice why she gave me his myface and email passwords she replied simply: To wreak havoc.

I was surprised I hadn't thought of that by now.

Mike's POV

April 10, 2009

Man, I wish I could have seen Bella today. I finally finished her mix tape and I wanted to see her face when she listened to it. I walked dejectedly down the streets of downtown Forks, not really in the mood for anything but not wanting to simply sit at home all day. And that's when fate smiled down upon me. I spotted Bella through the window of that new French bakery that had opened up.

"Yes!" Now I could give her the mix tape. No . . . wait, I have a better idea! I would _sing_ her the mix tape! I rushed back to my car to get my old stereo and dug the mix tape out of my jacket pocket. She was going to love this!

BPOV

April 10, 2009

The employees heard it first. I saw them whispering and a few of them snickered quietly. One of them got a camcorder from the back room and asked me if she could film me.

"It's for the store, we do little commercials with customers in them," she assured me. I knew she was lying but I had become so indifferent to filming after spending so much time with Alice that I simply didn't care.

And then, I heard it.

"Are you gonna take me home tonight? Ah, down beside that red firelight. Are you gonna let it all hang out," Mike sang, badly I might add, as he walked into the bakery. He had a slightly wilted rose in one hand and an old, battered boom box in the other. "Fat bottomed girls, you make the rocking' world go round!"

I heard more snickering behind me and the distinct sound of several cameras clicking on but I didn't care.

"Did you just call me _fat_?" I said in a low, menacing voice.

Mike's jaw dropped and he stopped singing, thankfully. The cassette kept playing but everyone ignored it.

"No, that's not what I-"

"Shut up," I screamed, my voice rising an octave. "How dare you call me fat, Mike. Who are you to say something like that? You have no right, and that's completely out of bounds. I'll have you know that just the other night Edward was all over me! Alice is always going on about how great of a figure I have. You don't believe me, do you?"

"I-"

"Shut up," I screamed again, my voice shooting up again. "You want proof? Here! Here's you damn proof!" And with that I tore off the outfit that Alice had picked out for me. I once had been a light blue sweater, a navy silk camisole and a pink knee-length skirt, that I had vehemently resisted. But now it was simply a pile of fabric on the floor.

Mike gasped and started at my body, mostly my chest. Which I realized was rather . . . decorated in a black bra with pink ruffles that came with matching panties. For some reason that shocked me back to my senses. I screamed.

"You _pervert_!" I darted to the counter and picked up the first thing I found, which happened to be an Eiffel tower cake. That one of the employees handed to me. I chucked it as hard as I could, not bothering to take aim. It ended up going straight for Mike's crotch. I expected the cake to explode on impact, but it turns out the Eiffel tower part of it was actually made of wooden dowels. As Mike howled in pain I redressed myself. I stared at him for a moment as he finally stopped wailing, instead opting to whimper quietly. Outside I heard two distinct thump noises. I looked out the window but I didn't see anything so I went back to watching Mike.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

I can't remember the last time I felt so happy. I don't think I've ever laughed so hard. When Mike got hit with the Eiffel tower both Carlisle and I fell out of the tree laughing. Alice, who had randomly turned up a little while ago, nearly fell out but instead ended up hanging upside down.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

I don't know what it was; maybe it was the truly pitiful way he was trying to sing away tears but suddenly I just felt horrible. Tears welled up in my eyes for the second time that day and I dropped to my knees.

"Oh my gosh," I said in that high squeaky voice girls get just before they start wailing. "I'm the worst person in the world!" And then I started sobbing hysterically. I couldn't control myself. The tears just wouldn't stop; I just sat there sobbing openly on the pastel floor of that nice, new French bakery in front of a guy who I had flashed only moments ago.

As soon as I started crying Mike shot up and became very nervous. Like many men, he had no idea what to do when a girl was crying. He made the rooky mistake of asking me if I was alright.

"No I'm not alright!" I screamed as I slapped him across the face. And then I started crying more because I had slapped him. I ended up throwing my arms around his neck and sobbing into his shoulder. "I'm so sorry!" And then a new idea popped into my head. An idea that would make this all better.

APOV

April 10, 2009

I was having a great time laughing in the trees about Mike getting hit with a wooden Eiffel tower. But suddenly I saw Bella decide something so horrible, I fell right out of the tree. Of course Edward saw it in my mind a second after I did.

"She's going to do what," he exclaimed angrily.

"I don't know, she's irrational! She's not thinking clearly!"

"We have to stop her!"

"Wait!" I grabbed hold of Edward's arm. "This is going to end well, just trust me, okay?"

Carlisle, who had only recently managed to regain control of himself stumbled over and asked what we were talking about. I tried to fill him in but had to deal with Edward, who was still in denial that Bella's decision would end well. In the end I just let him to what he felt was right.

Employee's POV

April 10, 2009

"This is better than a soap opera," I whispered as we watched the drama unfolding before us in the store. And then suddenly there was a loud _SWUMP_ at the window. I looked up to see a tall, pale, bronze-haired boy with his entire body pressed up against the glass. Very slowly a hand appeared and dragged him off with a disturbing squeaking noise. "Who was that," I asked.

"The jealous lover," my friend replied. I laughed. And then there was another _SWUMP_ at the window. I looked up this time to see a giant black gorilla. Or, more accurately, someone inside a giant black gorilla suit. There was a longer pause and then someone quickly yanked the gorilla out of sight.

"What about that one," I asked.

My friend thought for a minute. "Her brother who was in a car accident, lost his memory, underwent surgery to become a woman, dated her for a while before regaining his memory, having more surgery to become a man again and then ultimately going insane because he/she/he made out with his/her/his sister."

"Oh," I said, leaving it at that.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

"I've got an idea, Mike," I said, pulling back to look at him with shining eyes.

"What," he asked, making very little attempt to hide his worry.

"I'll take you out to dinner! To make up for all this!"

Mike looked reluctant at first but then he seemed to realize that this was the date he had been waiting so long for. He quickly agreed. I gave the cashier Edward's credit card number and then we left, I was weighed down with boxes because Mike had to use one of the wooden dowels as a cane. We stashed my boxes in the trunk and then went on to the restaurant. But I was starting to regret asking Mike to come out with me. It was strange enough having to walk in there with a guy who was using a pole as a cane. And it only got worse when he put his drink in his lap.

"What are you doing," I hissed.

"Putting ice on it. It still hurts, that tower was sharp."

I blushed bright red and had a very hard time looking at Mike, or anyone else, after that. Finally, though, our dinner arrived. I had gotten a large, delicious-looking plate of spaghetti. Mike had gotten sauerkraut Sloppy Joes, with deep-fried garlic pickles and a vanilla-and-pickle-juice sundae with hot fudge, whipped cream and a cherry on top.

I grimaced. "How can you eat that?"

"What," he asked, with his mouth full of food. I gagged and he asked if I was alright, with food still in his mouth. I gagged again and asked him to please stop talking. For another minute we ate in silence. And then I noticed the strangest thing out of the corner of my eye. It was gold, glittery and moving. I slowly turned my head to see the strangest sight.

RPOV

April 10, 2009

It had been a slow day around the house today. All the boys were out trying to prank Bella or something like that, and Alice had quickly left to join them. This left me and Esme to sit around the house and try and keep ourselves entertained. I ended up watching re-runs of some show called "America's Funniest Home Videos" and snickering at a few of the videos. And then, almost without warning, they had a video of a little kid puking all over the place.

"EWWW!!" I screamed.

"What is it," Esme yelled, rushing into the living room.

"Little kid puking," I replied. Esme gave me a weird look. "What? See for yourself." I rewound the video and played it again

"Ewww," Esme said.

"Right?"

Esme paused for a minute. "Play it again." So I did. We spent the next ten minutes watching that same clip over and over again.

"It's disgusting," I said.

"And yet, it's so funny," Esme had said, laughing all the while.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

First of all, the dress was hideous. It was the ugliest color of puke green. And then it had a ruffled collar that really emphasized the girl's broad shoulders. And that wasn't even the worst part. It had a fitted torso and a bubble skirt that only seemed to draw attention to every manly part of this poor girl's body. And the entire thing was covered in sequins that caught the light and blinded several people. And if you weren't blinded by the sequins you were sure to be blinded by the bright pink feather boa that she had draped around herself. Unfortunately the pink clashed with the green, adding to the fashion train wreck. But, to top it all off the whole thing just dripped with fringe.

Her make-up wasn't much better. Her bright pink lipstick matched her boa and appeared mostly on her chin and cheeks. She had too much blush on and actually had a bit of a 5 o'clock shadow.

She was giggling coquettishly and waving at some poor soul. Apparently that poor soul returned her interest because she started to move across the room towards someone's table. As she passed by tables glasses shattered and there were multiple ear-piercing screams. I looked over at Mike to whisper about what a disaster this girl was and found that his eyes were glued to her. My jaw dropped onto the table.

The girl sashayed her way over to our table with excessive hip swaying and planted her forearms on the table, giving me and Mike a nice view of her cleavage, which poked out from under the ruffles. Apparently it was competing with the dress to see who could blind more people because it was covered in at least an inch of body glitter.

"Hey sugar," she said in a strangely low voice. "What's a," she paused, "fine man like you doing in a place like this?"

"Nothing. Absolutely nothing, not a thing."

"Hey," I yelled.

"Oh," Mike turned to face me, his eyes quickly glancing at my features. "Can I get another Coke? Thanks."

I growled and fought to control my voice. "I am not your waitress, Mike. I am your DATE!"

The girl pegged with a look. "Honey, don't be offended. Sometimes," she pushed up off the table and went to stand behind Mike, causing him to frown. Which was reasonable, he had just lost sight of the only cleavage he was likely to see for most of his schooling career. Alright, all his schooling career. The girl now took a place behind Mike and put her hands on his shoulders. "A man like this," she ran her hands down Mike's chest and they disappeared out of sight. "Needs a woman, like this." She ran her hands down her own body, especially her chest, hips and butt. She turned for each part, ensuring that I got the perfect view.

Suddenly I was furious. So Mike wanted to leave me for another, frankly ugly, girl on our first, and only, date? Well that was fine by me, but he would have to do it while wearing something special.

I stood up, my cheeks burning and hot tears stinging my eyes. "You are the worst person I know, Mike Newton. You are such a _JERK_!" And with that I threw my still-burning-hot plate of spaghetti into his face. It his with a satisfyingly wet slap that was quickly followed my Mike's screams of agony.

Funny how I kept hearing that scream today.

Mike starting running around screaming that his face was burning, and as he ran he covered the other people in the restaurant with pasta and spaghetti sauce. Someone clapped and suddenly all I wanted to do was sing a sad country song about how Mike had broken my heart. I grabbed the guitar off the wall and started playing with surprising skill even though I had never touched an instrument before.

And with that I launched into a truly terrible country song. Someone booed me in the audience and I swung blindly for their head, I missed of course, and instead hit Mike in the head as he happened to run blindly by. He fell to the ground dramatically, grabbing frantically at the air, searching for something to steady himself with. The good news? He found something. The bad news? It was the burly woman's dress. Mike yanked her top down revealing two water balloons covered with a piece of white fabric.

"My chest!" I familiar voice yelled.

"Emmett?!"

Emmett winked at me and began slapping Mike and saying things like "well I never" and trying to "cover himself" with his arms. I decided to ignore him and continued singing the rest of my song until somebody clapped again. And then, I knew what I had to do.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

I rushed over to the nearest table and grabbed a woman's glove. Then I rushed back over to Mike and _very gently_ pressed on his stomach with my foot. Instantly he jack-hammered up and I slapped him in the face with my glove.

"Sir, I challenge you to a duel! Do you accept or are you a coward?!"

Mike's POV

April 10, 2009

I don't really remember much after Bella hit me in the head with the guitar. But then, suddenly, there was a terrible pain in my stomach. Bella was stomping on me! I jack-hammered upright and gasped for air. Only to be slapped in the face immediately and challenged to a duel. What sort of cruel joke is this? What kind of sick people would put me through such torture? Fate must be a horribly twisted, cruel creature that has a best friend that feeds off the suffering of others. They should be hunted down and stopped, whoever they are.

Well I wasn't about to duel Bella. I tried to tell her that I wouldn't play along with this crazy little joke but she was already walking away. "I choose pistols, right now."

"But . . . but . . . but, I'm a coward!"

"That's too bad, sugar," the beautiful woman said, grabbing hold of my collar and dragging me outside. "I could have really used a man. A real man."

"But, I am a real man!"

"Uh-huh, right. You're about as much of a man as I am a woman."

"Huh? What are you-?"

"_En garde_!" Bella yelled, throwing a very large rifle in my direction. I screamed and tried to hide behind the beautiful woman but she had suddenly disappeared, forcing me to pick up the rifle and take a shaky stance ten paces away from Bella, my beloved Bella.

BPOV

April 10, 2009

When I went outside I looked around for some rind of weapon to fight Mike with. And then, out of nowhere, a man in a long tan trench coat and a black fedora that was pulled low over his face came stumbling over. "Hey, uh, you that Swan girl or something?"

"Yes."

"Alright good, 'cause, uh, some guy paid me off t' give you this." He handed me a couple of black bayonets-style guns.

"Aw, thank you Trench Coat Steve," I said.

"Yeah, well, don't tell nobodies, 'kay?" And with that he stumbled off into an alleyway.

Alright Bella, this is it. Your first duel. Now just recall some words of wisdom that Charlie gave you and you'll do just fine.

"Bella! I don't ever want you near a gun, you hear me? You'll get yourself killed; you are too accident prone to be handling a deadly weapon. I won't even let you have the super-soaker water guns! Don't you ever, _ever-_"

Maybe Charlie was the wrong person to try and draw inspiration from. What about Rosalie?

"Bella, whenever you get into a duel with someone, and trust me, it does happen, just remember this one rule. Duels are all about the showboating. So don't go for the kill shot right away. Just wound them and then do something fancy. Like, spelling out your initial on their chest, or a simple design. If you want to get really fancy, draw your family crest."

Ah, good ol' Rosalie, always with the words of wisdom.

We stood facing each other in the street, my trigger finger twitched slightly and Mike's whole body twitched in a noticeable and seemingly uncontrollable fashion. Suddenly some very bad music that you usually heard in western movies filtered through the air. And then, through the suddenly dusted streets, bounced a very happy tumbleweed. I know it was very happy because it smiled broadly at me as it said, "I'm a tumbleweed!"

The tumbleweed was closely followed by a short, green cactus who shouted, "Jasper come back!"

Once both of those strange things had cleared out I screamed, "DRAW!" And the match had started. Mike screamed and dropped his rifle. But when he dropped it, the gun landed with the point up . . . and it happened to be pointed right at his crotch. While Mike screamed in renewed agony, I took aim and fired into his shoulder. Then I fired off a number of rounds firing a nice, cursive 'B' into his chest.

Mike screamed in agony again and collapsed onto the ground. I blew on the tip of my gun and a cloud of pink dust rose into the air and floated off. _They're paintball guns_, I realized with a smile. I shouldered the gun and walked off around the corner, out of sight of the many spectators who had gathered in the windows. But then I had no idea what to do.

And then a piece of paper floated by me. "Just whistle and Edward will come running." I smiled and whistled.

Charlie's POV

April 10, 2009

It may have been a Friday night but Bella was out way to late. She hadn't even called yet. Then finally I heard an excited scream outside the house. I threw open the door and Bella stood on the doorstep.

"Hi dad," she said happily before stepping past me into the house.

"Isabella Swan! Why are you home so late? And why didn't I hear you come up in your truck? That thing usually announces your arrival from a mile away!"

"I rode Edward home," she replied simply.

"WHAT?!" For once it was my turn to turn red as naughty images flashed through my mind. "I demand to talk to him! Where is he?!"

"In the driveway, I'm going to get a shower and then go to bed."

"Oh no, young lady! You're coming outside with me and having a long talk with Edmund." I marched outside but didn't see the boy anywhere. Instead, there was a horse sitting in my driveway. "What is that?"

"Dad, that's Edward. Alice sent him over, I think. He gave me a ride home because my truck is . . . being updated."

I knew she was lying but I decided to let it go; I was getting too old for this.

EPOV

April 10, 2009

As I watched Bella riding off towards her house, a thought occurred to me. "Carlisle," I said, "Can this really be considered a prank? I mean, Bella certainly had fun beating up Mike, and I doubt she really minded being mind controlled."

Carlisle thought for a minute. "I guess you're right. What if we-"

BPOV

April 10, 2009

Charlie turned and headed back into the house, mumbling something about old age and sports. I turned to follow him but stopped when I heard a strange sound. I looked around but didn't see anything. And then, chocolate pudding fell from the sky and splashed all over me.

"Ah!" I paused. "Did . . . did the sky just throw up on me?!"

RPOV

April 10, 2009

"We're home!"

I rushed into the foyer just as the guys, and Alice, came in the door.

"You are just in time, come here a minute!" Esme appeared and helped me drag the entire family into the living room. The video was still cued up so as soon as they were all settled on the couch I started it.

"EWWW!!"

"Play it again!"

**Well guys, there's only one more chapter! (I know, so sad!) Please look forward to the thrilling (and hopefully hilarious) conclusion!**


	14. Free For All

**This week on: Prank Wars - We play with a piñata, we explore the true limits of duct tape, experiment with robotics, visit a bakery, and see a show at Mike's Inner Mind Theater. And explore whatJacob likes order in the mail.**

**Well everyone, this is it. The last chapter, and we certainly pulled out all the stops, or at least we tried to. This was a fun chapter to write and we may have gone a little overboard. But we hope you'll enjoy this last chapter. Please vote on the poll located on my profile so that we can know which story to work on next. When we do post new stories the links will still be provided in Every 28 Days, so please add it to your story alerts. Thank you to everyone who supported this story, we couldn't have done it without you and we greatly appreciate your support!**

Chapter 14: Free for All

BPOV

April 11, 2009

The rest of last night had been uneventful. I had gotten home late and had taken a shower and falling asleep next to Edward, just like always. And, like always, he had been there in the morning when I woke up. I had wanted him to stay but I did have some homework to do. So he went back to his house and I started on my work. Strangely enough, the morning went without incident. It was kind of strange, actually.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

Things were too normal. Carlisle had gone to work, Esme was cleaning the house, the guys were playing video games in the living room and Alice and I had plans to go shopping at the mall. But I could feel something building in the air. The prank war had escaladed and no one quite knew what would happen next.

Would Bella seek an alliance with one of us? Who would turn on their family for a human? Besides Edward. No one could be sure. Except Alice. So to alleviate the tension we planned to start the craziness early. We had to make a few quick stops before we went to the mall.

BPOV

April 11, 2009

Around the middle of the day I got a text from Rosalie asking if could get over to their house ASAP. Charlie was at work so Edward appeared a moment later looking very confused. He didn't say anything as he hoisted me onto his back and started back towards his house. Then suddenly he started to laugh, a quite chuckle at first, that turned into a belly laugh, then laughter that could wake the dead and finally Edward collapsed just past the forest that surrounded his house and rolled on the ground, laughing uncontrollably and leaving me to hike all the way up to his house.

I finally found the rest of the Cullens out back. Alice was leaning up against a tree and trying desperately to control her laughter while Emmett was securing a rope around a tree branch. And that's when I noticed it. There was a big, brown, dog-shaped piñata sitting on the ground.

"What the-"

"Surprise!" Everyone yelled.

Esme came over and hugged me. "Congratulations, Bella, on having survived your first ever April Fool's Day with our family. To celebrate, Alice and Rosalie got you a piñata." At the mention of the piñata Alice and Rosalie started to laugh again. Edward staggered up drunkenly behind me, laughing all the while. Together they fell into a pile of laughing bodies. "They're been doing that all morning," Esme said, pegging the whole pile with a glare.

The rest of us just shrugged and finished setting up. Esme went a fair distance away and turned on the video camera. Emmett measured out what looked like half a mile's worth of string and walked away, testing the rope by jerking the piñata around a bit while Jasper gave me a metal pole.

Piñata's POV

April 11, 2009

This was going to be bad.

BPOV

April 11, 2009

This was getting to be infuriating. They hadn't spun me around and I wasn't blindfolded but I still couldn't hit the stupid piñata. Emmett, at first, had pulled the rope a little, but after I swung and accidentally sent the bat flying in his direction he decided to keep it steady. I kept swinging and swinging but no matter what I did I couldn't connect with the piñata.

At first the Cullens had snickered at me and my pitiful misses. But then the novelty had worn off and Jasper began booing me and Emmett was trying to help by calling out tips. Finally I stopped. I lined up my shot and built up all my rage into one powerful swing. Even if I missed the piñata I was sure I would hit something hard enough to gain some satisfaction. With my rage finally reaching its highest peaks I swung the pole straight for the main body and-

RPOV

April 11, 2009

One Hour Earlier

"Oh this is going to be _fun_," I giggled as we drove away from the grocery store. "I can't believe we're doing this! I mean, I had a feeling it would come to this one day but I just didn't think this is how he would meet his end."

Alice giggled in the seat next to me and peeked into the backseat. "Do you think we have enough glue? He's pretty big, after all."

"Yeah, it'll be fine. Worse case scenario we'll just have to staple it on."

Alice laughed again. Soon we arrived at our destination. We pulled ski masks over our faces, not that we really needed them, and grabbed the supplies we had stashed in my truck earlier that day.

"You take the rope, Alice," I said. "I'll use the duct tape and throw him in the sack."

"Right." Alice slipped the length of rope over her shoulder. "This is great, he'll never know what hit him!"

"Ready or not, Jacob, here we come."

BPOV

April 11, 2009

My aim was true and my force was great. I wound up and swung right for the exposed middle of the piñata, and then . . .

Piñata's POV

April 11, 2009

This is going to hurt like a bi-

BPOV

April 11, 2009

_WHAM_! I hit the piñata right in his sweet spot. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the guys all cringe in unison.

"Why are you guys cringing? I know it looks like it's a boy dog but it's not like its ali-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH," a very familiar voice yelled.

"Jacob?!"

Jacob's POV

April 11, 2009

Why? Oh, God, why?! Ah! It hurts!

BPOV

April 11, 2009

Carlisle lowered Jacob to the ground where he proceeded to roll around inside his piñata suit for a while. Alice, Rosalie and Edward collapsed into another fit of laughter, Jasper complained about the lack of candy. After a few minutes we went back inside and resumed our normal activities.

A little while later Jacob staggered in. "Bells, tell these bloodsuckers to leave me out of their stupid war. I'm not a piñata and I won't be used for any more pie target practice!"

"This isn't a war," Alice said, not looking up from her magazine. "We do this every year. We just usually don't have this much fun."

"But a war would be interesting," Rosalie said.

"And we'd need some supplies," Edward said.

"I'll get Carlisle," Esme said, grabbing her car keys and digging out a large black bag from the closet marked "Hide the Evidence" before walking outside.

"So it's settled then," Emmett said, shutting off his video game. "We shall begin immediately."

"Wait, what?! Ah, no, I'm getting out of here," Jacob said, running from the house and leaving a trail of brightly colored confetti behind him.

CPOV

April 11, 2009

I will never understand how my family comes up with these ideas. I had only been at work for a few hours. I went to take my "lunch break" around noon and suddenly I find myself in the middle of a war zone. Or so I was told.

"Hello dear," Esme said, waltzing into my office. "I have a surprise for you, close you eyes."

Now I suppose that I should have been more suspicious, given all the crazy shenanigans that had been going on around her recently. But what can I say? I can never resist Esme.

So the next thing I knew I was inside a body bag. "Esme! Let me out! I told you _last time_ that I would not do this again! You know I hate being in these things, remember what happened during that vacation?!"

"Fine," Esme said. Somewhere just above my head a hole appeared and a straw was thrust down into my mouth. "Is that better"

"Actually it-"

"How about now?"

I was about to point out that nothing had changed when suddenly something rushed down the straw and into my mouth. And then everything went black.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

I did feel a little bad about drugging my husband, but if he wasn't going to sit still while he was in the body bag I had no other choice. Once he stopped moving I pulled out the straw and re-zipped the bag. And then it was just a quick trip back through the front doors of the hospital.

I was happy to see that no one, not the doctors, nurses or even the patients, gave me a second glance as I dragged my black body bag from out of Carlisle's office. They had adjusted so well to us already. Unlike the last hospital where he worked. I shook my head, recalling the memory. Those poor children.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

I knew that Edward had an idea; he was getting that glint in his eye that meant he was working on something special. So I decided that now would be a good time to get Bella out of the house.

"Come on, Bella. Let's go to the mall. We need some supplies if we're going to win this war."

"But bad things happen tom e when we got to the mall," Bella whined.

"If you come," I whispered, "I can show you what all of Edward's weaknesses are."

Bella looked up at me with shining eyes. "Really?" I nodded. "Let's go!"

And with that we were out the door.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

"Floor it," Bella yelled from outside.

Good, my plan was working. Now if only Emmett and Jasper would leave . . .

"Jasper, are you thinking what I'm thinking?"

"That ducks should wear long pants?"

"Well . . . yes, _now_. But I was thinking something else." Emmett whispered for a moment and then Jasper began jumping up and down and clapping excitedly. "Quick, to the Batcave!"

"Na-na-na-na-na!"

And with that, Alice and I were alone.

"You know Alice," I said, "You're very small. Which makes you very light . . . on your feet that is."

"Edward, stop it, I don't know what you're planning but-"

"Oh please, Alice, I'm not planning anything." I started to move towards Alice and she backed up. "All I'm saying is that you're very small. Small enough to . . . oh say . . . fit into a pillowcase!" I grabbed the pillowcase I had hidden in my back pocket and scooped Alice up, plopping her inside. "Well what do you know, you fit!"

"Edward let me out! Let me _out_!"

"Hrm, perhaps I should use a little duct tape." I grabbed a role of silver tape out of a desk drawer and taped Alice's mouth shut. I looked at Alice and then at the tape. "You know," I said. "I bet there's enough tape her to cover you completely."

"Mmrvmph!"

"What? Oh fine, I won't cover your hair."

"Mmrvmph mmv."

Two minutes later I had covered Alice head-to-toe in duct tape and still had some left over. "Want to do a second layer?"

_No_, Alice thought.

"Great," I said.

Two more minutes and I had used up the entire roll of duct tape, covering Alice twice and making her some bunny ears. Satisfied with my work I threw her back in the pillow case and walked out of the house.

EmPOV

April 11, 2009

We couldn't find the Batcave.

JPOV

April 11, 2009

I'm a fisherman, now!

CPOV

April 11, 2009

The next thing I could really remember was waking up inside a dark, steel room. On the wall was a hand-made needlepoint sign that said "Cell, Sweet Prank War Prisoner Cell" in cheery pink letters.

I groaned, but I had to give it to family, they really went all out for April Fool's Day. I was just about to settle down in a corner and try and dig my way out of the cell with a spoon when I noticed something silver that was wriggling my way.

Maybe it was the drugs talking but to me that silver wiggly thing looked exactly like some sort of horrific alien from one of Emmett's video games. I screamed, loudly, and rushed towards the thing. Without a second thought I picked it up and sent it flying through the back wall of the cell, conveniently creating an escape route. I watched for a moment as the thing rolled down the hill we were sitting atop. It was headed straight for the water and part of me hoped it could swim. Another part of me didn't really care whether or not brain-eating aliens could swim or not.

I decided not to stick around and find out, instead opting to go find the rest of my family and end this war once and for all.

JPOV

April 11, 2009

"Darn fish just ain't biting today," I said to no one in particular. Just then a strange silver object whizzed past me and flew into the water. I sighed, "Looks like the government is busy testing those new robotic armadillos again."

"MMRVMPH!"

I looked around and discovered that the robotic armadillo was flopping around the surface of the water frantically.

"Poor thing," I said. "You probably can't swim can you? Alright, hang on." I cast out my line and tried my best to catch the poor creature. I got a hold of it in record time.

APOV

April 11, 2009

It took Jasper _twenty minutes_ to fish me out of that water. I was furious with him by the time he finally pulled me onto dry land. I got him to pull the duct tape off my mouth and promptly began yelling at him.

JPOV

April 11, 2009

I took it's mouthpiece off and the poor thing started to malfunction. Oh well, maybe the water was better for it. Not bothering to listen to its angry rants and protests, I threw the armadillo back into the water and walked away.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

We were making good time on our way to the mall and, regardless of what Bella says, I am a great driver. That person was already headed towards the tree; I just got them there faster.

But as I zoomed down one street I saw something silver flash by. I slammed on the breaks, causing Bella to fly towards the dashboard before the seatbelt engaged and she was throttled back into her seat.

"What was that," I asked aloud.

"I don't know, my brains flying out of my head, perhaps?"

"No, it was silver." I started to follow the silver thing down the street and watched as it splashed into the water. I saw Jasper pull it out of the water and that's when I realized it, "That's Alice!"

"Is it?" Bella squinted out the windshield, "I just see Jasper with a fishing pole. Wait, what did he just throw into the water? And where's he going?!"

"That was Alice, come on, let's go get her."

APOV

April 11, 2009

Finally Rosalie and Bella pulled me out of the water and unwrapped me. When I could finally see them I saw that Rosalie had her tranquilizer gun in one hand and Bella in the other. She slipped the gun into a strap on her back and held her hand out to me.

"Let's go wreak havoc," she said, smiling widely.

I smiled back. "I knew there was a reason I loved you!"

EPOV

April 11, 2009

After I disposed of the bod–I mean, left Alice in the . . . new room, I went to the mall to stock up on ammunition. I knew that Alice saw this ending with us throwing things at each other from behind forts, so I decided it would be a better idea if we fought with something relatively soft. Like pie, it would still hurt, a bit, but it's one of the better options.

But I never even got to the bakery in the mall. Instead, I was intercepted by Emmett. "Good sir, it has become aware to me that you . . . are a COWARD!"

Usually I just ignore Emmett, but what can I say? I was in a punchy mood and decided to humor him. "A coward, you say? I am no coward! You sir are the COWARD!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah!"

"I challenge you to a duel!" Emmett grabbed a plastic knife and pointed it at my chest. So of course I did the only logical thing, I grabbed one and began dueling with Emmett, with plastic knives, in the middle of a mall.

BPOV

April 11, 2009

Alice was still pretty mad so I suggested that we get a little revenge on Jasper, instead of just shooting him with the tranquilizer gun. They were all for the idea but none of us could think of an original idea. And that's when I noticed that we were outside a costume shop. And there was a utility store a few stores down, and they were sure to have some rope. My idea was still just a few disjointed ideas floating around inside my head when I saw a children's train ride by on a track in front of us.

"That's it!"

JPOV

April 11, 2009

I was standing somewhere, waving my fishing pole and then, suddenly, everything went dark.

When I woke up again, I had a tranquilizer dart in my chest. Very common. I was in a dress. Still very common. I was tied up. I'd rank this as uncommon considering I wasn't in my bedroom with Alice. And I was on railroad tracks. Uncommon. And there was a train coming. Which, I suppose, made sense.

"Ahhh!!"

BPOV

April 11, 2009

While Jasper, the "damsel in distress," wriggled on the train tracks Rosalie, Alice and I had gotten fake mustaches and twirled the ends of them nefariously.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

I would have to start listening to Emmett more often; this plastic knife duel was simply thrilling. We had been rushing through the mall, dodging and rolling and thrusting and laughing hysterically. And now were began circling the fountain that was in the center of the mall. I, of course, had the upper hand and was dodging cupid statues while trying to stab Emmett, who was growing angrier by the minute.

I saw Bella and my sisters walk up and begin watching us. So of course I just had to show off. Although it really would have been better if I had decided just to ignore them. Instead I thrust my knife forwards towards Emmett and did, what was in my opinion, a splendid summersault through the air. Well of course I missed, and ending up poking something else. Something squishier than Emmett and that screamed like a girl. No it wasn't Mike, it was Jessica.

When I went sailing through the air I accidentally hit Jessica . . . in the chest . . . with a plastic knife. Now, rest assured, Jessica was fine. I barely tapped her with the knife. Unfortunately, I hit her hard enough that anything delicate would have been punctured. This is exactly what happened.

Jessica's POV

April 11, 2009

"My water bra!"

Mike's POV

April 11, 2009

"You're boobs! Oh God, not you boobs, anything but your boobs!"

Wait . . . would it be better if it was _anything_ other than that?

Mike's Inner Mind Theater

April 11, 2009

Jessica and an extremely handsome man, known as Mike are walking in the mall. Jessica is fawning over Mike and he's trying politely to resist her, at least while they are in public. Suddenly, out of no where, an evil man, known as "Cullen," appears and throws acid all over the beautiful Jessica's face!

"Darn you, Cullen," the heroic Mike yells as the cowardly villain scampers off into the distance. "Jessica, are you alright?"

Jessica's face is now quite misshapen due to the acid, her chest, however, remains in perfect condition.

"Mike," the poor girl sniffles, "Do you still think I'm pretty?"

Mike looks at her face, and then at her chest. "Of course I do, baby."

"Mike," she sniffles again, "I can't see very well. Are you looking at my face or my chest?"

"Of course I'm looking at your face," Mike lies.

BPOV

April 11, 2009

I don't know what it was about that sentence. Maybe it was because Mike was talking about Jessica's boobs. Maybe it was because Mike was upset while he was talking about her boobs. Or maybe it was just because Mike was talking. I don't really know which one it was but the next thing I knew I was punching him and screaming, "Mike, you _moron_!"

And wow, what a punch! Mike flew backwards, went sailing through the air, looped around one of the cupid statues, almost paused mid-air above the water before racing back towards me, turning, still in the air, mind you, and landing crotch-first into one of cupid's arrows.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

I hated having to touch Mike, but I did get to cause him an insane amount of pain and Bella feels like she has magical punches now, so it's all okay.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

We all laughed for a bit after Mike got hit, once again, and then went back to dueling. Now by this point, we had taken a number of swipes at each other and both of our shirts had been torn off completely, much to the enjoyment of nearly every woman around us.

As we fought now, Emmett managed to back me into a bakery and ice cream shop. We kept trying to stab each other and probably scared the poor girl at the counter out of her mind. But unfortunately, this was war and I didn't have time to think about that. I did, however, have time to take a snack break.

"Hey Emmett, look behind you, Rosalie's in a swimsuit!"

"Oh!" Emmett immediately spun around and ran out of the store.

"Excuse me," I said to the girl at the counter. "I'd like to buy cupcake. It doesn't matter what kind."

"Okay," the girl said, a little shakily, "One moment please."

"Thank you," I said, smiling kindly. Bella had taught me to be polite to humans; we had a tendency to leave a big impression on their lives.

"Hey, you lied," Emmett yelled, barging back into the room.

"It's ready," the girl whispered quietly behind me, placing a cupcake on the counter.

"So I did, Emmett, have a cupcake." And then the little treat was flying through the air, right for Emmett's face. It landed with a splat right between his eyes, sending icing all over his face and creating a little mask.

"Oh yeah?!" Emmett raced over to the ice cream bar and grabbed a can of whipped cream. "Cover up, dude!" Emmett sprayed a man-thong on me and laughed hysterically for a good long minute. I just stared at him for a moment.

"Emmett you're a moron."

"I agree," someone piped up.

I turned to see Bella wearing a small black dance leotard in the doorway. "Bella," I said cautiously. "What are you wearing?"

"That's not important right now, Edward." Bella walked over and grabbed the can of whipped cream from Emmett, who was pretending to look innocent. "You can't have a thong without a matching demi-bra." And then she sprayed a whipped cream bra over my chest. "And you'll need to accessorize." Bella grabbed a squeeze bottle of hot fudge and wrote "Hot Stuff" over my chest and then covered it in sprinkles.

"But Bella, now we don't match," I pointed out.

"Well that's not really a-"

I snatched the whipped cream and sprayed a whipped cream bikini onto Bella, Emmett style. This meant I used a lot of unnecessary flourishes and ended with a little mask on her face. "But, yours needs more color." I grabbed the caramel and started painting intricate swirling designs over Bella's stomach and arms. I threw some rainbow sprinkles onto the bottom half of her bikini and tossed in two cherries for the top. "Now turn around."

Bella did as she was told and I wrote "Hottie" onto the back of her bikini bottoms. She giggled when I told her what I had done and kissed my cheek.

"Excuse me," a man in a candy striped shirt said. "Are you going to pay for all those toppings?"

"Of course," Edward said and promptly gave the man a credit card number; a number I remembered as the one Alice had texted me the day before.

"Edward, you're starting to drip chocolate syrup."

I looked down, sure enough, I was. "Hrm, perhaps you should help me get it off."

"Edward!" Bella turned bright red and tried to hide herself from the world. She looked like at any moment she was going to run off. I was just starting to wonder if I had gone too far when Bella grabbed my wrist and yanked me out of the store and headed towards my car that was sitting in the parking lot.

APOV

April 11, 2009

"You see, Rose? I told you having her wear the leotard would be a good idea."

EsPOV

April 11, 2009

I wasn't sure why Bella and Edward, both in strange outfits comprised of ice cream toppings, rushed by me in the mall but I decided now was not the time to ask.

"Esme, can you go buy some pies? Alice has the credit card number you'll want to use for it! Thanks!"

I was completely baffled but I decided to do as I was told. I found Alice and then went into the store and bought as many pies as they could sell to me. In the end, it took me, Alice, and Rosalie to carry all the pies out of the store.

I was debating where we should keep the pies when I saw a giant tent labeled: Ammunition Tent: Keep Out.

"Alice," I said cautiously, "What is this all about?"

"Well it _is_ war, Esme. We'll put the pies in there and then it's a free for all."

"Ohhhhhh, pie, can I have some?"

We all turned to see a very strangely dressed person standing behind us. It sounded like Jasper, but it didn't look like him.

"What did you-?"

"Oh, I went to one of those beauty counters and decided to 'beautify' myself. So," he said, "How do I look?"

We all stared at him for a minute before answering. At one point, Bella and Edward joined us, followed my Carlisle. Bella started to laugh before controlling herself, Carlisle and Edward just ignored him and started to load the pies into the tent.

Jasper was wearing a heavy layer of midnight blue eye shadow that stretched from his lids up to his eyebrows and wearing some mint green shadow underneath his eyes. He had tried to use eyeliner and had ended up just making smudges in the shadow. He had a streak of bright pink blush on each side of his face, completely missing the apples of his cheeks. He had lined his lips, which were coated in a horribly unflattering shade of red lipstick, with some pink lip liner that only clashed with the other colors on his face.

"I'm sorry, Jessica," Bella said, "Charlie always tells me not to say rude things."

"But I'm not Jessica, I'm Jasper!"

"Oh . . . sorry, you look like Jessica."

"Really?" Jasper brushed some hair out of his face. "I was going for hooker."

"Didn't you hear me? I said you look like Jessica."

Everyone laughed, which is why no one saw Edward sneak up and smash a pie into Bella's face.

Bella screamed and looked around for the culprit. She raced inside the tent and found Emmett laughing hysterically. So she grabbed a pie and threw it in his face before rushing outside again.

EmPOV

April 11, 2009

One minute I was laughing and the next there was blueberry pie in my face. I hate blueberries! I grabbed the nearest pie and chucked it at Edward, who was chuckling merrily outside the tent.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

Ever since Bella forced food down my throat in a hormonal rage, I could not stand food getting too close to my face. So when someone smashed a pie into my face, I was furious. And it could only be one person.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

That pie ruined my makeup. The next person I see is going to get a face full of pastry.

"Hi Rose," Jasper said happily.

JPOV

April 11, 2009

Why did Rosalie hit me in the face with pie?! That hurt! And Bella won't stop laughing, why is she so mean?

BPOV

April 11, 2009

Oh great, more pie! This one must be from Carlisle, he was standing right behind me and he's one of the only people who hasn't hit anyone yet.

CPOV

April 11, 2009

I was really hoping I wouldn't have to stoop to this level, but what they hey. It's fun, and it is war.

RPOV

April 11, 2009

Why don't I get to throw pie? I want to throw pie.

So I decided to throw some pie. And everyone's face was covered in banana cream.

EsPOV

April 11, 2009

I got hit with two pies in a row. _TWO_! How is that fair?

I grabbed the rhubarb pie and chucked it at Carlisle.

CPOV

April 11, 2009

Maybe I shouldn't throw pies at my wife. But she wouldn't do this by herself. It was someone else's idea . . . Bella; it must have been Bella's idea!

BPOV

April 11, 2009

I will never know how I managed to hit everyone at once. But somehow, everyone had a brown pie crust on their face and chocolate dripping from their chin.

Of course, then the joke was on me. I got hit with seven different pies all at the same time. This didn't very good. Especially when you combined rhubarb, pumpkin and mixed berry.

And then all heck broke loose. We ended up each hiding behind whatever we could find and threw pies at each other for a good ten minutes until someone special came to visit us.

"Stop, stop it, all of you," Jacob said, running into the middle of our battlefield and immediately slipped on the cream and landed flat on his butt. Jumping up again he resumed his speech. "This is silly, you guys! What is the point of all this? You've just wasted a ton of precious pie! And what about the people at the mall? You've created a terrible mess."

We hung our heads in shame.

EPOV

April 11, 2009

I could tell by her expression that Bella was beginning to feel ashamed of what she did. Her head was hanging low and she looked very upset. The rest of us, however, had already made plans to clean the mall and were only hanging out heads to avoid more lecturing from Jacob.

"That's right," he said, continuing his speech. "You should all be ashamed. You bunch of babies."

And that's what sealed his fate.

I felt Jasper send out a wave of rage and suddenly Jacob was hit with eight different pies in eight different places all at once. Needless to say, we all hit our mark and Jacob's scream was higher than normal . . . again.

And that's the story of how the Cullens were banned from the ma-I mean, the story of Bella's first April Fool's Day with me and my family.

Jacob's POV

April 30, 2009

I heard the familiar metal creak that told me someone was opening the mail slot followed by the comforting sound of a stack of letters hitting the floor. I pushed myself off the couch lazily and picked up the mail. The rest of the month had been relatively peaceful and I had almost forgotten about what had happened at the mall with the Cullens.

I sifted through the mail. Gas your termites, freeze your termites, zap your termites, save the termites, catalog, spam addressed to Jipcub Blook, Jakey Black, Dr. Smexy Innuendo and, my personal favorite, Hugh Hefner.

And then I came across my credit card bill which was a bit . . . thicker than usual. I opened it up and was horrified to find that I owed a total of $5,200. I knew what most of it was for, but I had no idea what I had spent $3,000 on. I scanned through the list and my jaw dropped.

Pie. Someone spent $3,000 on _PIE!_

"_AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH_!" _THUNK_.

When I woke up again I was determined not to look at the bill. Instead I sorted through the rest of the mail. And I discovered a small package next to me. I opened it up and pulled out a lacy, pink nightgown.

"What the – who ordered lingerie for me?!"

"Jacob," my dad said, rolling into the room. "What's going-"

My dad saw the nightgown in my hands, looked at me, then at the nightgown, then back at me. Then he slowly turned and wheeled back out of the living room.

"Wait, Dad it's not what it-"

I looked down at the box again, as if it could possibly help me.

Inside, at the very bottom, there was an apple pie.

"Goddam-"

**Thanks for reading, and don't forget to vote on our poll!**


	15. Conclusion

**Hey so, remember when we said this was over? Well . . . we lied! BYE!**

Chapter 15: Conclusion

BPOV

April 14, 2009

It took us all a few days to clean everything up but soon everything was clean.

EPOV

April 14, 2009

I really hate packing peanuts. I mean, honestly, what kind of crazy person created these things?! He must have been a loon!

BPOV

April 14, 2009

Of course, some people took it better than others. _Most_ of us cleaned with minimal complaining and finished our work quickly. Edward, however, just kept clomping around in his bedroom screaming either in agony or about how much he really hated packing peanuts and the man who invented them.

Esme also had us write formal apology letters to everyone and every business in town that we had affected with our pranks. So that took several days. Especially after Esme had to start proof-reading all our letters. Emmett kept running out of things to say before the end of the page so there was always a paragraph of nothing but "I hate Newton" written over and over again. Needless to say Newton was not very happy when he received his letter, which had nothing but "I hate Newton" written in it.

April 18, 2009

Finally we had cleaned everything and even apologized to everyone who we had caused trouble for, directly or indirectly. Now, life could return to normal. And, for once, it looked like that was actually going to happen. I was leaning against Edward on the couch in the living room watching a TV show, Alice was sitting at the foot of the couch, doing her nails and laughing every time something funny was about to happen. Rosalie was playing cards with Emmett, Carlisle and Esme, and winning by the sound of it. Only Jasper was no where to be found, which wasn't that unusual. By now we had just stopped searching for him. If something important happened he would come find us.

Like now, for instance.

"That's it! I have solved the mystery," Jasper exclaimed as he ran into the room. He looked like he had just jumped out of a mystery novel. He looked like an exact replica of Sherlock Holmes. He had on black pants, a black vest and tie over a white shirt. And then he had on the classic tweed jacket, matching hat, and even had the classic pipe and magnifying glass with him.

"Jasper, what are you talking about," I asked. "What mystery?"

"Well, that's elementary, dear Watson."

"Don't call me Watson," I said.

"Don't call her Watson," Edward echoed.

"I have solved the mystery of the Prank War," Jasper continued, ignoring us completely. "I have concluded that this whole shebang began with . . ." Jasper paused dramatically, making sure he had everyone's attention. Once he had everyone's attention he held the magnifying glass up to his eye.

"AH," I screamed, involuntarily.

"It all began with . . . Edward! He was the one to put that clown make-up on you, Bella."

We all gasped and I jumped away from Edward on the couch. He just sat there and kept watching the TV.

"That was _YOU_?! Oh my gosh,"" I shrieked. "Then that means . . ."

"Yes, my dear," Jasper said, "You pranked an innocent Emmett."

"Emmett," I said, "I'm so sorry I put that ink in your truck."

"That's alright Bella," Emmett said, he still looked a little sad but then he cheered up, "I got to prank Edward so it's all good!"

Now it was Edward's turn to glare. "That was _you_? I thought Rosalie put the dye in my hair and wrote my phone number on the back of that shirt. Do you have any idea how much trouble that caused me?!"

"And then, the culprit, Edward, pranked Miss Rosalie."

"You ruined my clothes," Rosalie said. She grabbed her nearby tranquilizer gun and fired into Edward's neck.

"Hrm, yes. As I recall," Jasper said in a terrible British accent, "That's exactly what you did to me. And, if I recall, the same thing one Bella Swan did to me, as well."

I paled. "You made those myfaces?" Jasper nodded. "Uh-oh. Then that means I-"

"Pranked Carlisle for no reason."

"Oh dear," Carlisle said. "Esme, dear, I owe you an apology, I thought you had swapped all my medical supplies for candy."

"You should be sorry. You nearly ruined my living room."

"And then of course there was the senseless prank that had absolutely no purpose. Rosalie switching everyone's clothes."

"Well," Rosalie said, "I didn't actually get to pull a prank, I just shot Jasper with a tranquilizer dart, and I do that all the time already."

"Well after you did that I still got my revenge on Carlisle by making him lick everything off the couch and arranging for his patients to come to the house."

Carlisle jumped out of his chair and crashed into the table, sending the playing cards jumping into the air. "That was you?! My patients lost all respect for me after that!"

"So is that why you crashed Bella's truck and made it look like she was in a car accident?"

"Wait, that was just you're idea," I gasped. "I thought everyone was in on it!"

"No," Carlisle said, "That was all me."

"You sound proud of yourself . . ."

"And after that came the most devastating prank of all," Jasper said in a low, mysterious voice, like he was the announcer for a new suspense/thriller movie. "The whole house was rearranged and no one, not even Alice, knew that it had happened."

"Yes, well," I started to blush, suddenly embarrassed and worried that I had gone too far. "I needed some help and since I thought everyone had been in on the last prank I couldn't ask any of you. So . . . I asked the werewolves to help me."

Everyone made a face, even Edward who was still unconscious.

"What? Would you rather have me ask Newton to help?"

This time everyone shuddered violently. Edward fell off the couch and began to spasm on the floor uncontrollably. He did this for the next five minutes. After the first ten seconds we all ignored him.

"And after that Carlisle activated the mind control device that he-"

"Jasper!"

"Carlisle!"

"Emmett!" We all turned to stare at Emmett. Carlisle stopped making slashing motions over his throat since Jasper had finally stopped talking. I was poised mid-step over Edward's still-twitching body, paused mid-storm on my way to Carlisle.

"Well everyone else was calling out names," Emmett said quietly, "I didn't want to be left out." We all continued to stare at him. "Hey look over there!" We all turned to look where Emmett was pointing and when we looked back his shirt lay in tatters around his feet. He had his hands on his hips and was making his biceps "dance" as he put it. He looked very proud of himself. We continued to stare at him. Slowly his biceps stopped dancing and he looked at the floor. "Hey look over there!"

We fell for it again. We all turned to look and when we turned back again, the door that separated the living room from the main hall was swinging back and forth. Slowly it stopped. Then started again. Then stopped. Started. Stopped. Swung one last time and then remained still.

"Where'd that door come from," Esme asked.

"What door?"

As quickly as it had appeared, the door had vanished, along with Emmett.

"Ooookay," I said slowly.

"Anyway," Jasper said. "Getting back on track. Carlisle implanted the mind control device in Bella and then made her attack Jacob, and then Mike, quite violently, I might add."

"Well I guess that's not too bad," I said.

"Exactly," Carlisle said, nonetheless edging away from me.

"And then it ended up with everyone throwing pies in the mall."

We all nodded.

"Well," Esme said. "I propose a toast." She went into the kitchen and grabbed a glass of juice for me and empty glasses for the rest of her family. "To Bella and her first April Fool's Day!"

"To Bella," Everyone echoed, clinking their glasses together.

EPOV

April 20, 2009

I didn't know how long I'd been out, but I figured it had to have been a while. When I woke up I was in some sort of dark, cramped space. And I was upside-down. My knees were pressed against my forehead and, had I been human, there would have been a terrible crick in my neck. As it was I just figured that Alice had played a key role in this.

I noticed there was something taped to my leg and, being able to see clearly in darkness, I quickly identified it as a note from Alice.

"Yes this was my idea and yes you are in a box. ~Alice."

Well that solved that problem. Now all I had to do was get out. Although this was easier said than done. After several minutes, and a lot of strange and uncomfortable maneuvers, I managed to get myself upright and climbed out of the box. I looked around. There were a lot more boxes scattered around a big steel-walled room. At first I figured Alice had just dumped me in storage. And then I noticed there was a window. I climbed over to it and peeked out.

Stretching out before me was an ending ocean. Interrupted only by waves and seagulls.

"NOOOOOOO-"

Seagull's POV

April 20, 2009

"--"

Rodger McRodgerson's POV

April 20, 2009

Somewhere in a small village in Scotland

"--"

BPOV

April 21, 2009

"--"

"Why won't he stop screaming?!" I had my hands over my ears and was storming around the Cullens house angrily. I had been the last one to hear the screaming but sure enough, it was there. And it had been going for an _entire day_. Though the night! It was beyond infuriating.

"EDWARD SHUT UP!"

Of course that didn't work.

But soon Alice sent out the most powerful thought she could handle and finally I began to hear the scream die down.

"-!"

"Finally. What did you tell him," I asked Alice.

"That if he didn't stop screaming I'd make you make out with Mike Newton and send him the pictures."

"-"


End file.
